Quotes

Carpool

Travis: Oh, I ate mud once. Tasted okay. But they had to take me to the hospital and pump my stomach and I met a guy with a monkey heart!

Franklin: We could use a nut like you down at the carnival. Ever bite the head off a chicken?
Mr. Hammerman: Not lately.

Detective Erdman: I'd say you picked the wrong store to rob this time, pal.
Franklin: Excuse me, Lieutenant but I am not robbing this store.
Detective Erdman: Yeah right, I suppose that's a bag of donuts you got there right?
Franklin: They don't even serve donuts here, you should know that, you're a cop.

[location: in their van which is inside a refrigeration truck]
Andrew: It's freezing.
Franklin: Huddle together if you're cold, I'll turn on the heat.
Daniel: That's brilliant. See in order to get heat you have to turn on the engine, thereby trapping the fumes and rendering us all dead by asphixiation.
Franklin: In that case forget the heat. Hey who farted? Did you cut the cheese, Dan?
Daniel: For God's sake, no I did not.
Franklin: How about you, Kayla?
Kayla: Girls don't fart.
Franklin: Really? Come over to my house sometime and ask my mom why all our cats committed suicide.

Daniel: [about the ferris wheel] I'm not getting on that death trap.
Franklin: Oh we won that law suit.
Daniel: Huh?
Franklin: Okay we tied, but it's still safe. Come on, I'll show you how to operate it. It's so easy a trained monkey could do it and it did until that uproar with the Humane Society.

Franklin: [noticing a woman getting her lips waxed] That's amazing. I'd never have to shave Mom's hump again. Um, that is, she's got a hump on the back of her neck.

Franklin: [a jelly filled danish got rubbed on his shirt] Great! Raspberry glaze!
Edith: Soak it in cold water.
Franklin: Thank you very much, ma'am, and by the way, someone your age should be a little more careful with a hand gun.
Edith: Bite me.

Voice of Franklin's Mom: Listen, cutie pie when they reposess the truck, you won't have to leave them any gas.
Franklin: Right, you're the expert on gas, Mom.

Franklin: Uh oh. I dropped my wallet. I can't drive without a driver's license, you'll have to switch with me.
Daniel: I don't think that rule applies when committing a felony.
Franklin: Oh, right.

Franklin: Listen, Dan, I'm not a perfect person. I see a buck on the ground, I pick it up. Sometimes I take more than 10 items right through the express lane, and I have a temper, like my neighbor plays his music too loud. So I killed him, I cut him up and I put him in my freezer. I'm just kidding! Just breaking the tension!

[They are listening to a heavy metal song]
Franklin: Great tape. This yours?
Daniel: Oh yeah, I got everything by the Screaming Idiots.
Franklin: This is the Ramones, actually, I haven't heard the Idiots yet, maybe you can turn me on to them.

Circus Performer: We've come to give you back our pay checks.
Franklin: Aw you didn't have to do that.
Circus Performer: Sure we did. They bounced. Listen, Franklin, you've been very good to us, but we've gotten an offer from Wingling Brothers.
Franklin: *THE* Ringling Brothers?
Circus Performer: No, *WINGLING* Brothers!

[Andrew got an F on his spelling test]
Andrew: Mrs. Karkanie is giving me a do over. She says everyone get's a second chance.
Daniel: That's only because she's been married 5 times. Let me tell you something, sport, in the business world there are no second chances.

Franklin: [on his way to the bank, contemplating his robbery plan] This will go smooth. Unless they shoot me, which they won't because I'm gonna draw first. Of course they could push that button under the counter, but I know it's gonna be fine.
[Parks and approaches bank. The doors are locked and standing inside is a guard]
Franklin: Oh hey, buddy, I need you to open a safe for me. I mean an account, a safe account. But I see you're not open right now so I'll go grab a cup of coffee and come back later.

[Daniel races for the phone. Franklin stops him]
Franklin: No calls! That is, no obscene calls. He's trying to quit.
Daniel: I am not.
Franklin: Well you should! What's your phone number?
Daniel: 9-1-1.
Franklin: Very funny. Do realize if I get arrested you won't make your meeting because you'll be filling out police reports until next October.

Andrew: I want to be the hostage!
Kayla: How come I never get to be the hostage?
Travis: That's because you're a girl.
Bucky: Hey, girls can be hostages, too. I mean, we're moving toward the twenty-first century and girls can be whatever they want.
Kayla: Right on, sister.
Daniel: Ok, quiet down or nobody gets to be the hostage!
Bucky: Well, that made sense, dad.

Andrew: Look, Mr. Kopek's working in his yard.
Daniel: Yeah. Let this be a lesson to you kids, the world says that he's too old to drive a car but look at him, he's a vibrant, healthy old man who can do anything he put's his mind to.
Andrew: Dad, Mr. Kopek's not wearing his pants.
Daniel: Yeah so from now on you kids stay away from him okay?

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