- Carl: Maybe you shouldn't get married anymore.
- John Henderson: I want kids.
- Carl: Well, adopt.
- John Henderson: I want to pass down my seed.
- Carl: Masturbate in the garden.
- John Henderson: [upon eating very old orange sherbet] Blaaah! Oh God, this is horribly old! This tastes like an orange foot!
- John Henderson: I like my cheese in the ounces. When they start weighing as much as a Fiat, I get worried.
- Lawyer: Now this being your second divorce, Mr. Henderson, I'm sure you're familiar with the procedure, but your wife, uh... ex-wife, should know it would be wise not to leave the state for a few weeks until it's finalized.
- Karen Henderson: I'm not planning to leave the state.
- John Henderson: No. She just left me. She had nothing against the land.
- Soundtrack: And here's to you, Mrs. Henderson. Your grown son is moving back today. Hey, hey, hey. God help him please, Mrs. Henderson. He looks to you to help him with his life. He lost a wife - again.