- [Russell Kramer's made-up words to "Hail to the Chief."]
- Russell Kramer: Hail to the chief, he's the chief and he needs hailing. He is the chief, so everybody hail like crazy. Hail to... that's more or less how it...
- Russell Kramer: When you were in the White House, who was the person you were most excited to meet?
- Matt Douglas: Nelson Mandela.
- Russell Kramer: I'm not a reporter.
- Matt Douglas: Ella Fitzgerald.
- Russell Kramer: Ah.
- Matt Douglas: Mandela was a great man, but he couldn't sing worth a shit.
- Matt Douglas: A cookbook. He wrote a cookbook. How dare he?
- Joanna: Well, you know, when he was President, he did cook for his guests all the time.
- Matt Douglas: That's not the point. Did George Washington write a book called "Your Wooden Teeth and You?" Did William Howard Taft write "Thirty Days To A Slimmer Ass?" It's shameful, just shameful.
- Matt Douglas: That went a little too easy. You guys are getting soft.
- Greg: Mr. President, once again, we really wish you wouldn't do that. You put yourself at great risk, sir.
- Matt Douglas: Oh, yeah, right. Let me ask you something. In all the years ex-presidents have had Secret Service protection, has there ever been even one assassination attempt on any of 'em?
- Chet: Uh, no, sir.
- Matt Douglas: I find that sad. The minute you're out of office they don't care enough about you to kill you anymore. People are FICKLE.
- Vice President Ted Matthews: I'm so sorry, and I'm so embarrassed. I hope this doesn't scare you away from golf... Because it's such a great sport! I-I know your people... the black people, don't really enjoy the game, but I think that's because you can't get into the nice clubs! The restricted ones. And on the other hand, your people are so good at so many sports, that maybe it's good that we white folks have a sport that you people are not so good at!
- Carl Witnaur: Mr. Vice President, please step this way.
- Vice President Ted Matthews: Why? Is there a problem?
- Carl Witnaur: There will be less of one if you step this way.
- Matt Douglas: Well, I don't think you had anything to do with Charlie's death, but I'm pretty sure you're involved in this mess somehow.
- Russell Kramer: I'm involved? But, what about you? You were the one sittin' in the car next to a dead man.
- Matt Douglas: Well, now you know. I enjoy spending time with dead men. You don't believe me? Go ahead and die. It'll perk me right up.
- Man in bathroom: It's an honor, sir.
- Matt Douglas: I can't shake right now. Have to keep my hands on the First Penis.
- Russell Kramer: Did you ever have one of her pizzas?
- Matt Douglas: Oh.
- Russell Kramer: It was like a wet dream with a crust.
- Matt Douglas: A wet dream?
- Russell Kramer: Huh?
- Matt Douglas: I don't think I need to hear Russell P. Kramer saying the words "wet dream." I'll wake up screaming every night 'til I die.
- [Matt Douglas' made-up words to "Hail to the Chief"]
- Matt Douglas: Hail to the chief, if you don't, I'll have to kill you. I am the chief, so you better watch your step, you bastards.
- Russell Kramer: There was only one assassination attempt on me. You had three.
- Matt Douglas: Two. The woman in Phoenix doesn't count. She only had a starter pistol.
- Russell Kramer: I was Time Magazine's Man of the Year.
- Matt Douglas: So was Hitler.
- Russell Kramer: Not twice.
- Matt Douglas: You're a whore. Admit it. Admit you're a big whore. Go ahead.
- Russell Kramer: Name three women from the District of Columbia that you didn't bang when you were in office - what am I talking about? Name one.
- Matt Douglas: Screw you.
- Russell Kramer: Blow me.
- [Rifles fire]
- Matt Douglas: [after Wayne gives a confused, inaccurate depiction of what he thinks Mt. Rushmore will be like] You've gotta' be kidding, right, Wayne? You've got Lincoln mixed up with George Washington, and you've got the Roosevelts mixed up with Davy Crockett. Do you have *any* idea what you're talking about?
- Wayne: Uh, no disrespect, sir, but you're in my car.
- Matt Douglas: Well, you're in my country - *our* country. Get your facts straight! How do you expect your son to respect the nation's history if *you* don't? That kind of ignorance is dangerous!
- Wayne: Forget our nation's history... what about our nation right now? The country's fallin' apart, people losin' their homes. They can't find work. You talk about ignorance, *you're* the ignorant ones, both of you. Why, you've... you've ignored the voice of the people!
- Russell Kramer: [Slightly incredulous] Oh, the "voice of the people"? There is no such thing! You've got 240 million voices all yellin' for something different. The only thing you all seem to agree on is you don't want higher taxes. "The voice of the people" my fanny!
- Genny: Pull over, Wayne.
- Russell Kramer: Oh, yeah, I'm about to share my coffee with the Washington Love Machine. No dice. You could spit in a Petri dish and start a whole new civilization.
- Russell Kramer: The people will believe us!
- Matt Douglas: Why
- Russell Kramer: Because we're presidents
- [long silence]
- Russell Kramer: Okay they won't believe us... what the hell are we supposed to do now?
- Matt Douglas: [Arguing with Kramer while trying to figure out what happened to Charlie Reynolds] Oh you're right! We got into an argument about your cookbook and I plugged him!
- FBI Sniper: [Meeting in the Oval office with the presidents] We've met before sir
- Russell Kramer: I don't think so
- FBI Sniper: Oh we have sir, somewhere...
- [pause]
- FBI Sniper: over the rainbow
- [raises eyebrows and nod slightly]
- Genny: Please get out of our car.
- Matt Douglas: Listen, I'm sorry...
- Genny: No... We invited you into our home. Not our car, our home.
- Genny: [addressing Kramer] We lost our jobs because of your budget cuts, President Cramer.
- Matt Douglas: [addressing Douglas] And we lost our home, because of your economic downturn, President Douglas.
- Genny: All we have now is the slim chance of a job at my uncle's paint factory in Cleveland. So I will ask you once again: Please, get out of our car.
- Matt Douglas: Look, Joanna, if the book goes, if it doesn't go, I don't really care. I'm only writing it 'cause, frankly, I don't know what else to do.
- Joanna: I'm sure you've got plenty of options.
- Matt Douglas: Not really. But I'll tell you one thing, I'll never be like Kramer, running around the country sucking up every dime that isn't nailed down. Now Jimmy Carter, there's a class act. He goes around building homes for poor people with his own hands. That's classy.
- Joanna: Well, you could do that.
- Matt Douglas: Yeah, yeah. Maybe in a couple of years, but, uh, right now, my attitude is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.
- Russell Kramer: It's a kick in the balls. Sorry, sweetheart.
- Margaret Kramer: Please, I'm a politician's wife. I have a set of my own.
- Russell Kramer: Kaye. What a... lovely surprise. And how is my favorite television newsperson?
- Kaye Griffin: Oh, I'm your favorite? I thought Diane Sawyer was your favorite.
- Russell Kramer: She is. How is she?
- Matt Douglas: [Presidents Douglas and Kramer lead a White House tour as fast as possible in order to get to the Oval Office in time] Okay, this is the Green Room...
- Russell Kramer: [No pause] It's green.
- Matt Douglas: [No pause] And its a room.
- Russell Kramer: [No pause] Hence its name.
- Matt Douglas: [No pause] Any questions?
- Russell Kramer: [No pause] None from me.
- Matt Douglas: [No pause, both Presidents start to move on down the hall] Okay, then shall we?
- Matt Douglas: [after talking about Jimmy Carter being a class act with Habitat for Humanity] I could do that. But right now, my attitude is, they didn't vote for me, let 'em freeze.
- [smiles]
- Bruce: [Jim is a Caucasian Secret Serivce agent] Sir, message from the President.
- Russell Kramer: Oh, thanks Jim.
- Bruce: Jim's off today, Sir. I'm Bruce.
- Russell Kramer: Oh, sorrry. You and Jim look very much alike.
- Bruce: Jim's Black, Sir.
- President William Haney: [after driving off the tee] You know, I've actually thought about playing professionally.
- Russell Kramer: Well, gee, I don't know about that, Bill. I think the ladies' tour likes their players to be a little more masculine.
- Matt Douglas: [Picks up talking President Kramer doll at the Kramer Library gift shop] Oh, you gotta be kidding me
- Russell Kramer: [Kramer's voice after Douglas pulls the doll's string] "Our dreams are like our children."
- Russell Kramer: Ah,huh?
- Russell Kramer: [Kramer's voice after Douglas pulls the doll's string again] "Don't you fall into the trap. Democrats are full of crap."
- Russell Kramer: Anything you like I can get for you at cost.
- Matt Douglas: [Drops the doll] I feel dirty.
- Matt Douglas: Just get out of the chopper!
- Russell Kramer: What?
- Matt Douglas: Get out of the chopper!
- Russell Kramer: The crops?
- Matt Douglas: GET OUT!
- [last lines]
- Matt Douglas: Hey, money! Did you drop that?
- Russell Kramer: Yeah, that's mine.
- Matt Douglas: My fellow Americans!
- Russell Kramer: You son of a...
- Matt Douglas: I hate these funerals. It's just awful when another good Democrat passes on.
- Aide: I believe the deceased was a Republican, sir.
- Matt Douglas: Oh, well, then it might not be so bad.
- Vice President Ted Matthews: [Speaking at a funeral] Mrs. Sherman told me Charlie had a favorite song...
- President William Haney: [Watching on the TV in the White House] Please God, don't let him quote song lyrics.
- Vice President Ted Matthews: ...and I can't think of anything more fitting than to share with you the words from that song.
- President William Haney: Oh Christ.
- Vice President Ted Matthews: "Muskrat Susie, Muskrat Sam. Do the jitter-bug in Muskrat- Land. And they shimmy...
- [emotionally]
- Vice President Ted Matthews: and Sammy's so skinny."
- President William Haney: Oy.
- Russell Kramer: Well, as usual, the Republican comes up with a plan while the Democrat just aimlessly wanders in the woods.
- Genny: Wel... , uh, I'm sorry about that, sir. We're Republican.
- Matt Douglas: Well, at least you can admit it. That's the first step towards recovery.
- Greg: Sir, uh, before we go in, Chet and I would really like to know how you got out of that bathroom stall without us seeing.
- Matt Douglas: Why don't you guys just relax? Take a night off. Go rent "In The Line of Fire" again.
- Russell Kramer: Oh, geez... he's squeezin' my breast again.
- Matt Douglas: Well, this time, pretend not to enjoy it.
- Russell Kramer: [about his "Constellation" watch] Oh, this really steams my clams. There are only two watches like that in the entire world. Reagan has one, and now Shamu, the killer hick, has the other.
- Joe Hollis: Well, Kaye. What an unexpected and bloodcurdling surprise.
- Kaye Griffin: You just know how to make a girl get all gooey inside, don't you. What have you heard about the Kramer scandal?
- Joe Hollis: Not a word. Now if you'll excuse me, my salad's getting cold.
- [White House worker notices the gun in Rita's station wagon]
- Rita: What you looking at? You been down to that farmer's market lately? It's brutal.
- Matt Douglas: We're never getting to Ohio, not the way this guy drives. Every 500 feet, they stop to take another damn picture. The Donner Party moved faster.
- Rita: [after smuggling the Presidents in hidden by a tarp past the White house guard] Mr Presidents, please hush up! Long as you're in my car you're produce!
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