- Chico: Are you Ms. Grant?
- Erin Grant: [sarcastically] No, I'm Barbara Bush.
- Chico: [to Shad] And you are?
- Shad: George Bush.
- Darrell Grant: You got my daughter, and now you try and kill me with a ax.
- Malcolm Moldowsky: I don't have your daughter, you're confused! And it's "*an* ax."
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [practicing in front of a mirror] Hello, Erin. My name is Congressman Dilbeck. You are... you're a beauty.
- [Erin enters the salon behind him; Dilbeck turns and stares]
- Erin Grant: Good evening. I'm Erin Grant.
- [Dilbeck nods dumbly]
- Erin Grant: [little laugh] And you must be...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [stuttering] Con... Comback Dilbeck. Uh, uh, Con-Congressman, uh, Dildo.
- [laughs nervously]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: I am... Congressman David Dilbeck. And welcome, welcome.
- Erin Grant: I can't still be working here when I go to court. "Oh, yes, your honor; I found a new job... I'm working at the Eager Beaver!"
- Erin Grant: Well, up until eight weeks ago, I worked for the FBI Miami... a secretary... until I got fired for having a defective husband.
- Shad: You talk to her?
- Erin Grant: Darrell's phone's disconnected. I think he moved again.
- Shad: You know, I'd embrace the opportunity to maim his white ass up.
- Erin Grant: I know you would, and that's really thoughtful, but I don't think it would help my case in court if I had him attacked.
- [Shad appears besides Erin's car while Darrell is holding her at knifepoint inside it]
- Shad: Drop the knife! You got 'til three. One...
- Darrell Grant: Suck my dick!
- Shad: Whip the little fella out. Two...
- Darrell Grant: [brandishes the knife at Shad] This here's a domestic squabble...!
- [Shad seizes his knife hand and wrenches his arm over the window jam, snapping the bone. Darrell screams]
- Shad: Three.
- Darrell Grant: You broke my arm!
- Shad: You sure?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know how much I love you. I even sent my man Erb to collect your lint!
- Erin Grant: My *lint*?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Fresh, hot lint!
- Erin Grant: And what did you do with that fresh, hot lint?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Well, I'm afraid I made love to it.
- Erin Grant: [Shad has just put a roach in a container of yogurt] So, this is the new brainstorm, huh?
- Shad: Accordin' to the Wall St. Journal we got here the hottest selling yogurt in the country. I bring this in, say my hair fell out from the shock. BOOM! They pay off big time. My lawyer thinks it's a genius idea.
- Erin Grant: Your lawyer has an office over a video store.
- Shad: Call me a dreamer. I don't wanna be a bouncer forever.
- Lt. Al Garcia: [re: Angela] Why don't you drop her off at our house?
- Erin Grant: I can't do that.
- Lt. Al Garcia: Why not? I told Donna everything. Your whole situation. She said if you needed a hand she'd love to help.
- Erin Grant: She doesn't think I'm something out of "A Current Affair"?
- Lt. Al Garcia: Erin, come on, you're a terrific girl. You know that, right? So you made a mistake a lot of terrific girls make, you married a bum. What are you gonna do? You gonna beat yourself up for the rest of your life?
- Erin Grant: Your Honor, being an informer for the Dade County Vice Squad hardly qualifies him to raise a 7 year old child.
- Judge Fingerhut: Neither does being a mother without a job.
- Shad: "Free Willy" back yet?
- Video Clerk: Still out.
- Shad: People are pigs! Sit on movies like they own 'em!
- [about going after Erin without police backup]
- Shad: So we're it? A cop and a bouncer?
- Lt. Al Garcia: Plus two strippers and a kid. We're in great shape.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: My brain has just turned to shit...
- Chris Rojo: Well hey, that's why you're in Congress!
- Lt. Al Garcia: [about Erin] Dilbeck didn't invite her back?
- Shad: She said no.
- Lt. Al Garcia: Well, that's good. Because I don't think she should go back there, even with you. And what was with her tonight? She seemed edgy.
- Shad: She got her moods, man. Could be that time of the month.
- Lt. Al Garcia: So now you're the gynecologist-bouncer, bouncer-gynecologist?
- Shad: Hey! I just watch out for the girls.
- Lt. Al Garcia: Wow... so do I. That makes a grand total of two people in the entire state of Florida. Because the higher-ups in my department, they're not exactly pushing this investigation. Is any of this making sense to you?
- Shad: Because of this asshole Congressman.
- Lt. Al Garcia: Bingo! We've got two homicides here, and nobody gives a shit except you and me. And I'm worried about that girl. She's all alone out there.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: I'm about to mount this here filly!
- [Erin pulls out a gun]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Maybe not.
- Erin Grant: If I come back tomorrow, can we talk more about my case?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: We can talk about anything you want, long as you're naked.
- Darrell Grant: Hey, are you that guy from Price is Right?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: No! I'm Congressman David Dilbeck!
- Darrell Grant: Congressman? No shit! Well, I steal wheelchairs, so we got a lot in common.
- Darrell Grant: [seizes Erin from behind and holds a knife to her neck] Evenin', everybody!
- Erin Grant: Oh, shoot!
- Darrell Grant: Where's my little 'un?
- Erin Grant: Where you can't get her.
- Darrell Grant: Is that ever the wrong answer. Now you bring her to me right now!
- Erin Grant: I am not bringing her to you anywere in this lifetime.
- Darrell Grant: Well, then I guess I'll just have to go to that nice old judge and tell him my whore of a wife has abducted...
- Erin Grant: Well, guess what, Darell? The judge is dead! So if you want Angela, then you're just going to have to kill me. Go on!
- Darrell Grant: Think I'm afraid to? You think I don't have the manliness to take your life?
- Erin Grant: Oh no, honey, you know what, I think you are all man. That death row lethal injection thing? Nah, come on, that's not gonna scare you!
- Darrell Grant: [hesitates, then] They'd never execute a daddy.
- Erin Grant: No?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: This is a *major* disaster! Major! Unbelievable! Without doubt, the most asinine piece of human behavior...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: It's never gonna happen again, Malcolm. I've got it under control. See, I just love naked women. It's a character flaw. And God's testing me now...
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Oh, will you shut up, you idiot!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You can't talk to me like that. I'm a United States Congressman!
- Malcolm Moldowsky: I can't? When you go psycho in a tittie bar six weeks before the election, what should I call you? Winston Fucking Churchill? It was all I could do to keep Willie Rojo from coming in here and strangling you with his bare, fucking hands!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Everybody has a bad night, especially if they're under the pressure, like we are, under the public eye of...! Who recognized me?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: His name is Jerry Killian. And he's waiting outside.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Now?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Now! We gotta move on this thing before we get eaten alive!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Move on what? I mean, if this is a shakedown, just get Willie to pay him like he always does. Why drag me into it...?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Because... it's not about money.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: It's not?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: No. He wants you to persuade Judge Fingerhut to reverse a child custody case, of some stripper.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Who he's sleeping with? You know, this is disgraceful! This is disgraceful, to have a man, like me, who has to deal with...!
- Malcolm Moldowsky: He's not sleeping with her.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [stops, uncomprehending] Well, then why... why does her care?
- Malcolm Moldowsky: Because he's nuts! That's why he's dangerous! I mean, if he was sleeping with her, then I could deal with him, man-to-man, but this is... this is fruitcake love here.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [spying on Erin through binoculars as she carries lots of suitcases] That doesn't look like a regular visitation, does it, Erb?
- [When Dilbeck fails to appear on stage at a fundraiser, Erb rushes into his hotel suite, looking for him]
- Malcolm Moldowsky: [motioning to the bedroom] Get him out of there. Preferably with his clothes on.
- Erb Crandal: David...
- [sees Dilbeck's attire]
- Erb Crandal: Oh, my God! Tell me I'm dreaming. No, no, I cannot believe this! No, no, no, Davey, *no*!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Is this lint fresh?
- Erb Crandal: Hot out of the Maytag.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Oh!
- [inhales deeply]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You just can't imagine! This is the very essence of that glorious creature!
- Erb Crandal: Why are you all shiny?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: It's Vaseline.
- Erb Crandal: Oh... oh! It's... great, it's Vaseline!
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You've never covered yourself with Vaseline?
- Erb Crandal: No, no, not unless I have third degree burns, no.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You don't know what you're missing. I've got it all over. It's down in my boots. I can feel it squishing between my toes...
- Erb Crandal: All right. The Young Christians are waiting, so...
- Congressman David Dilbeck: When will I see her?
- Erb Crandal: It's in the works.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: When?
- Erb Crandal: [finally fed up] It's in the works! Clean yourself up! I did not go into politics to pimp for a twisted old fuck like you! I've had it, Davey. I quit.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: You are such a child.
- [Orly hires Lorelei and her trained python away from the Flesh Farm, only they send the snake's dead body]
- Orly: Here, go rustle up a new snake.
- Shad: Where, the AM/PM? Who the fuck carries pythons at ten o'clock at night?
- Orly: There's an all-night snake farm on Route 27. Ask for Jungle Juan. And get rid of that thing! God, I hate this business! You know why? It's lost its humanity.
- [at the boat, Darrell peeps at Erin dancing for congressman Dilbeck]
- Darrell Grant: Well, there's a sight to raise the dead. Who's that old freak? Hold on a second. I know who that is. Is that the...? Hey, is that that guy from "Price is Right"?
- Lt. Al Garcia: [in the morgue] Now here comes that brilliant and charming attorney of yours, Mr. Mordecai. Found him 400 yards offshore. Now show him the rest of his kisser.
- Medical Examiner: [uncovers Mordecai's face] Crabs find lawyers a particular delicacy, yeah.
- Shad: Looks like lasagna. Cover that shit up.
- Lt. Al Garcia: You mind telling me why your name was on his calendar for tomorrow?
- Shad: I was involved in a litigation with a yogurt company.
- Lt. Al Garcia: Just based on my limited experience, this doesn't look like the sort of thing a yogurt company would ordinarily do. You know, I hear this prick represented the same poor kid who got mauled at your club. Now that I find fascinating, Shad!
- Shad: He had a picture...
- [retching]
- Shad: Man, I'm gonna lose it!
- [the coroner starts to cover Mordecai's face, Garcia stops him]
- Lt. Al Garcia: A picture of what? A certain legislator?
- Shad: Yeah... beatin' the kid's ass.
- Lt. Al Garcia: And where's the original?
- Shad: I got no idea.
- [the coroner covers up Mordecai, Garcia hands Shad a box of mints]
- Lt. Al Garcia: Here, freshen up. Thanks.
- Medical Examiner: Can I interest you in dessert?
- Lt. Al Garcia: No, just the check.
- [the coroner laughs and wheels Mordecai away]
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [while Erin is stripteasing for him on his private boat and making conversation] I can't do that!
- Judge Fingerhut: Always considering the best interest, welfare, and well-being of the child; Therefore, you may make visitations to your daughter every other week, and on Christmas Eve. And, of course, on Easter Sunday when you're wearing your pretty little Easter outfit.
- Stripper: Hey, this is honest work! You have nothing to be ashamed of!
- Erin Grant: I know that, and you know that. But the judge won't.
- [shakes her head]
- Erin Grant: Not him.
- Congressman David Dilbeck: [mesmerised to the point of infatuation by the stripper] An angel appeared. An angel of pure delight...
- Ariel Sharon: [stripper paging through magazine] Look, Steven Spielberg's house. I wish he would come in here one night, I'm sure he would have big hots for me.
- Stripper: You'd turn his whole life around, girl.
- Ariel Sharon: Look! Steven Spielberg's shower. Can you imagine, me and him in that shower? Ahh! Oh, that cute little beard!
- Stripper: Yours or his?
- Congressman David Dilbeck: Just the touch of your hand sets my pecker on fire.
- Erin Grant: Maybe you should see a doctor about that.