Quotes

Dead Man on Campus

Cliff: I live in a Frat House, right? And these fuckers wanna kick me out for not observing quiet hour!
[shouting]
Cliff: Well, they can SUCK my QUIET COCK!

Cliff: [rapping] My name is Cliff, brother of Joe. I got me some crack. I want me some hoes!

Zeke: This is my brother's Ritalin. Ritalin's good for studying math or science, just don't try to write English papers on it or it won't make any sense. Enjoy that.

Cliff: [looking at a poster of Van Gogh's "Starry Night"] Whoa. Which one of you painted this?
Rachel: Uhh... I did.
Cliff: It's soooo smooth.

Cooper: Young man! Where have you been? I was up all night worried sick. Do you know what time it is?
Josh: I LOVE college. I love everything about it. The people, the freedom. This room. This chair. Look at this chair!
Cooper: You had sex last night didn't you?
Josh: That's a nice shirt.

Josh: [discussing their flawed plan at the same time their friends are on the other side of the door thinking it's a lovers quarrel] Neither of us have ever done anything like this before so if we're gonna go through it, I want us to be safe!
Cooper: Oh fine, I just thought you and I were tight back there. Just don't ever pull out on me again.
Josh: I pulled out because I don't think you know what you're doing.
Cooper: I'm taking over from here! You know Josh, you are so anal!
[all the friends run after this]

Josh: It was so easy. I mean, I didn't have to do anything. To make it happen. It was just like. "Time for sex. We're gonna have sex now. Prepare for sex."

Josh: I'm not gonna commit suicide, if that's what you're thinking.
Cooper: Aw come on Josh, you're fucked anyway. At least this way, one of us comes out on top.
Josh: Then you kill YOURself.
Cooper: Naw, I just couldn't see that working.

Cooper: My father's right. I'm a fuck-up. I'm a total fuck-up. You may be having this little holiday in Fuck-up Land, but I live here permanently.

Cooper: You know what my dad does for a living? He cleans toilets. Yeah, he own this whole, toilet cleaning company and it's big. It's huge. And he's an incredible... asshole!
[chuckles]
Cooper: Yeah I call him Flushles, the Toilet Cleaning Clown...

Cooper: [caught by their clueless friends, Cooper grabs Josh and pretends to have an intimate moment with him in the bushes] Can we have some privacy, please?
Cooper: [the friends leave] That was close.
Josh: Cooper, they're probably thinking we're making out here.
Cooper: [amused] I know, they're totally in the dark.

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