- [after Jonathan stops a criminal holding Maddy hostage by throwing a card at his face]
- Madeline Magellan: If you'd missed, he would have killed me!
- Jonathan Creek: I did miss. I was aiming for his balls.
- [to Carla Borrega, having learned that her husband used to be married to a man]
- Jonathan Creek: I was just wondering what the technical term for that was - not so much "bigamy" as "bugger-me".
- Jonathan Creek: [about Carla's Father] I just remember saying that I thought he was a bit of a prick... ly sort of gentleman.
- Carla Borrego: [approaching Castle] Have you ever slept in a castle with a moat before?
- Jonathan Creek: I once passed out in front of a blocked urinal.