Chris Farley: Bartholomew Hunt

Almost Heroes

Bartholomew Hunt

Hunt: I name this here fork "Pittsburgh Nellie"; a Welsh whore who could do things with her one good arm that'd make you forget that *thing* on her neck.

Jackson: Sir, Higgins has a story.
Edwards: Well, all right, Higgins. The floor is yours.
Higgins: [clears throat] This particular event happened last summer on my uncle's farm in Virginia. My brother and I had just finished cutting a field of hay, and were enjoying the evening meal, under the shade of an elm tree. He went down for water by the creek and while he was gone, I took a bowl that was filled with delicious plum pudding and placed into it, not one, but two large pieces of sheep shit.
[all men start cracking up except Edwards and Father]
Higgins: When-when he returned, I encouraged him to taste the plum pudding... And as sure as I'm standing before you today, he did! He ate it all. Shit Pudding!
[men continue to crack up]
Higgins: He ate shit pudding!
Edwards: You... got your brother to eat sheep dung.
[Higgins nods and wheezes "Yes" while laughing]
Edwards: Yes, that is a very... amusing story.
Hunt: Tell him...
[still chortling]
Hunt: Tell him the ending. That's the best part.
Higgins: Oh oh oh yeah! And to be perfectly honest with you sir, I have no brother. It was me. I ate sheep shit! I swear, I did.
Edwards: Yes... yes... clever... twist on the end, there.

Hunt: What I remembered the most were the animals.
Edwards: [smiles] Ah, the animals...
Hunt: Fearsome beasts of the mountains and plains. I've seen a bear so powerful... that it *snapped* a man's body in half with his huge jaws. Garrgghh! Garrgghh! I've seen a badger with paws as big as frying pans. Now, that'd rip your face right off! Right off! Nothing you can do with that! Just rip it off! Once there was a hawk that swooped down from the sky... Aggghhh! Aggghhh! Aggghhh! And plucked a man's eyeballs out of his sockets. Auuuggghhh! Auuuggghhh! The fella was screaming, "I'm blind! I can't see! Auuuggghhh! I can't get it off I can't get it off!" *Twice* when I was fishing...
Edwards: Hunt, Hunt, HUNT! I think you're *scaring* the men.
Hunt: I think it's best they know. Gives a man courage to know what he's up against.
Higgins: [Horrified] THERE'S AN ANIMAL NOW!
[everyone except Edwards and Hunt starts firing at the animal]
Higgins: We can't kill it! We're all dead! God save us!
Hunt: Hold your fire! Hold your fire!
Hunt: [everyone stops firing. Hunt looks closely and sees that the animal is just a squirrel nibbling on an acorn]
Hunt, Pratt: It's only a squirrel!
[long awkward pause]
Pratt: He's got something in his hand!
Guy Fontenot: Something in his hand!
[they continue firing at the squirrel]

Execution Witness: I hope Satan himself burns the flesh from your miserable bones.
Hunt: Good God, Lady.

Edwards: My hands will grow rough; my teeth may yellow. I might even experience a general soreness in the joints. Yes, this mission will be a treacherous one, make no mistake. We will face danger from savages and from bears. These bears are wild, mind you. Not trained carnival bears... with...
[falters]
Edwards: ... little hats.
Nicholas Burr: Sounds exhilarating, sir. Few men would have the courage for such an endeavor.
Edwards: I'm not afraid, Mr. Burr.
[points to his temple]
Edwards: My mind will protect me. I'm a man of science, a man of learning; a man who knows how to buy the finest books. Fear will be our breakfast, and stark-raving terror our daily luncheon. Eh, Mr. Hunt?
[Hunt is seen eating and drinking messily, then looks towards Edwards obtusely. Edwards is annoyed and embarrassed]
Edwards: ... Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: [with a mouth chock-full of food] I'd be more worried about the Indians than the bears.
[still chewing]
Hunt: It's common knowledge that...
[swallows]
Hunt: that when the savages capture a white man, they will split open his head, pick out his brains, and eat them with a crudely fashioned fork.
[shrugs as Burr and Edwards react in shock]
Hunt: So...
Edwards: [appalled] Have you witnessed such atrocities, Mr. Hunt?
Hunt: [avoiding eye contact] I've... uh... I've s-seen the forks...

Jackson: I'm looking for Leslie Edwards.
Edwards: I am Leslie Edwards.
Jackson: M'name's Jackson. It's been my lifelong dream to see the Pacific Ocean before I die. Please take me with you.
Hunt: An old bag of bones like you wouldn't make it 100 yards upriver.
Jackson: On my worst day, I could still beat the stuffin' outta you. You... puffed-up crow's cock!
Hunt: No, you couldn't.
Jackson: [to Hunt] I know.
[to Edwards]
Jackson: Please take me with you! I must see the Pacific! Can you deny an old man his dream?
Edwards: I cannot, and I will not.
[Hunt reacts with severe disapproval, shaking his head]
Edwards: Jackson, you may accompany us.
[Jackson is overjoyed]
Hunt: [storms away] Horse's ass!
Jackson: [calls after him] Turd!
Edwards: Help us load the boats.
Jackson: [hurries away] Sorry; can't do. I'm an old man.

Edwards: Ha ha ha! Great things are in store for us! Soon, we will be on the lips of... well, on a great many influential lips.
[Hunt is distracted by gleefully watching a pair of barnyard pigs having sex]
Edwards: Are you listening to me, Mr. Hunt?
[Hunt smirks and ignores him completely]
Edwards: Mr. Hunt?
[Edwards looks in the same direction as Hunt is and sees the pigs, then reacts in disgust]
Edwards: Ahhhh!
[looks away, in some embarrassment]
Edwards: I believe those pigs would prefer their privacy.
Hunt: Hell, paid good money to see this onstage in Louisville. 'Course -- there, the pigs were dressed like the King and Queen of France.
Edwards: [dryly] Ah; costumes. Legitimate theatre.