- [Alice has just split her pants open, revealing her underwear while on a secret spy mission]
- Alice: I need assistance. I'm exposed.
- Earl Unger: I can't tell you how much I appreciate you hitting me with the minivan.
- Burton Jernigan: Never let your emotions get the best of you. You weren't paying attention. You should have been more vigilant.
- Earl Unger: You should've taken driver's ed. I'm gonna have bad knees when I'm old and I'll have Burton Jernigan to thank.
- Burton Jernigan: [Jernigan has been hit in the groin by Alice with a crowbar when she tried to get Alex's pet rat, Doris] You... smacked my winkie.
- Alice: Well, if you changed your shorts once in a while, maybe you wouldn't have rats in your pants!
- Alice: You got hit with a book?
- Earl Unger: Books, plural. A trunk full of books. Then a set of weights. I got hit twice, you dumb broad!
- Peter Beaupre: [as he sneaks into the mailslot of Alex's house] You can run, but you can't hide, Junior!
- Alex: Surprise!
- [Beaupre screams while Alex sprays black paint over his eyes]
- Burton Jernigan: Unger. What's your position?
- Earl Unger: Heading to Washington Street.
- Burton Jernigan: I didn't copy. Where?
- Earl Unger: I said, I'm heading to Wuh-ah-ah-ah...
- [Jernigan hits Unger while driving]
- Earl Unger: Stop, you nitwit!
- [the car stops and Unger screams, then collapses into the snow]
- Molly: [pushing the office door closed to stop Agent Stuckey] The 'it' you're referring to, is my little brother!
- [Alex is hiding in the closet and Mr. Unger tries to unlock the door]
- Earl Unger: I'm coming for you, shorty, to pay you back for all the misery you caused me.
- Alice: Mr. Unger, what are you doing?
- Earl Unger: He's in the closet. Scaring him a little, just before I grab him. And behind door number one!
- [Mr. Unger opens the closet door and Alex just disappeared]
- Earl Unger: Towels.
- Burton Jernigan: Hmph.
- Earl Unger: I saw this door close.
- Alice: Idiot.
- Earl Unger: Would I make it up? Why? What's the point? We working on commission here?
- Alex: [calls out to the crooks] You're not gonna find me up there, you big, dumb, law-breaking knuckle-heads!
- Earl Unger, Alice, Burton Jernigan: He's outside!
- Alex: [holds the chip] Recognize this?
- Karen Pruitt: You get in that bed, young man.
- Alex: Excuse me, but I saw a man in Karen Stephan's bedroom. A white male, a little older than Dad, and he was wearing butt inspection gloves.
- Karen Pruitt: I have warned you about that telescope. You look through it long enough, you're gonna start seeing things, whether or not they're there.
- Alex: Well, I guess you have to be 35 before anyone around here listens to you!
- Karen Pruitt: Don't get smart with me, Alex! Sick or not, I am very angry with you. You caused a lot of trouble today. Dad and I have to replace a door at the Stephans'. Do you think we're happy about that?
- Alex: I saw what I saw!
- [while Beaupre, Unger, Jernigan and Alice are sitting at the dinner table, they discuss their plans to steal Alex's toy car]
- Earl Unger: Tomorrow, whack every kid in the neighborhood. Burn them all!
- [the other three "spies" all stare at him]
- Earl Unger: Then look for that stupid car.
- Peter Beaupre: My thoughts keep turning to number 3026. It's within the operating radius of the toy car. It's in sight of all the houses I've been in.
- Peter Beaupre: You are dead, kid.
- [opens closet door, only to get punched in the crotch with a boxing glove]
- Alex: There's a senior citizen across the street who needs some soup and a doctor to look at her feet. There's two guys in our pool and a woman in our basement. The other one's gone.
- Agent Stuckey: [shows Alex the picture of Beaupre] Is this him?
- Alex: Yep.
- Agent Stuckey: For seven years, we've been after this guy. He always manages to slip away. Thanks.
- [Mr. Unger and Mr. Jernigan meet Beaupre, who just found Alex's toy car, at the Alcott's house]
- Burton Jernigan: It's a video camera. Someone's onto us.
- Earl Unger: Do you think this really matters? Chip's in the car. We're at the airport in 45 minutes.
- Peter Beaupre: Where's Alice?
- Alice: [as she pushes a baby stroller to the Alcott's shed] What happened?
- Peter Beaupre: There's a woman in the house. I'll go back in and deal with her. Get the chip.
- [Beaupre then hands Alice the car]
- Alex: Heads up!
- [unleashes booby trap that releases dumbbells on two criminals]
- Peter Beaupre: How did that happen?
- Earl Unger: I don't know.
- Alex: [donging is heard] Ouch.
- Peter Beaupre: There are 14 houses. The toy car must be in one of them. We're going have to search them all. We'll come back when it's light.
- Earl Unger: We're gonna work houses in broad daylight?
- Peter Beaupre: It's the suburbs, Mr. Unger. Nobody's home during the day.
- Police Captain: Son, this is the 2nd time in 2 days that you've called the police. It's a very serious matter when a person calls the police.
- Alex: I saw a burglar yesterday and I saw a burglar today.
- Karen Pruitt: Alex, listen to the chief.
- Police Captain: There was no one in that house.
- Alex: What about Johnny Allen's dog? I talked to Johnny last night. His dog was kidnapped after Monday morning.
- Police Captain: Did he see it happen?
- Karen Pruitt: Alex, apologize to the chief and go up to your room.
- Alex: [sarcastically] Excuse me for being a good citizen.
- Karen Pruitt: Alex, I'm very sorry. This will not happen again, will it honey?
- Alex: [Looking at a hand drawn map of the neighbourhood with Doris the rat] First the Stephans', then Mrs Hess. I agree, Doris - the next stop is the Alcotts' house. What kind of a burglar goes into a house and doesn't take anything? Do you know what I think? I think they're looking for something special, and they're looking in everybody's house because they don't know who has it. The question is, what is it?
- [Lies back on his bed. The toy car is next to him]
- Peter Beaupre: Well... It's Alex, isn't it? Today you learned something, there is a price to be paid for being a good citizen. In your zeal to aid your neighbor, you finally step into one of my traps.
- [takes toy car and takes it apart, only to find nothing, and drops them to the floor, then yells at Alex in Polish]
- Alex: Can Mrs. Hess go inside? She's very old and very cold. Please?
- Peter Beaupre: [takes bag and spills out everything, then grabs Alex and sits him on the shelf] Give me the chip!
- Alex: It doesn't belong to you. It's not yours.
- Peter Beaupre: [takes out gun and points it at Alex] The chip, son. Give me the chip.
- Alex: [sees Beaupre's gun and smirks] And that doesn't belong to you either.
- Peter Beaupre: What?
- Alex: That's not your gun.
- [Beaupre shoots, out a dart from the gun, and Alex takes out another gun]
- Alex: This is your gun.
- [Alex points his gun at Beaupre, then scares him away]
- Alex: Gotcha.
- [Alex's gun is revealed to be his bubble gun]
- Alex Pruitt: Have you ever had the chickenpox?
- Mrs. Hess: I had the chickenpox when Herbert Hoover was in the White House.
- Alex: They'll understand when I'm done. They'll know that I was telling the truth. I'm not gonna cry or feel sad or scared. They're grownups and they're criminals but this is my neighborhood and this is my house. No matter how old they are, no matter how big they are, they can't beat me here. They can't beat me at home.
- Karen Pruitt: Why is he in danger?
- Jack Pruitt: She asked you a question, sir.
- Agent Stuckey: I'm not at liberty to discuss it, son.
- Molly: [slams the door to prevent Stuckey from leaving] The "it" you're referring to is my little brother.
- Agent Stuckey: We think he intercepted a top secret electronic device stolen from a defense department contractor by a group of international criminals working for a North Korean terrorist organization.
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