- Muriel: When I lived in Porpoise Spit, I used to sit in my room for hours and listen to ABBA songs. But since I've met you and moved to Sydney, I haven't listened to one ABBA song. That's because my life is as good as an ABBA song. It's as good as Dancing Queen.
- Tania: Why don't you come have a drink with us?
- Rhonda: You want to have a drink with me?
- Tania: Well, yeah. We wouldn't want you to spend the entire holiday alone. It's not like in high school where you should feel you're not good enough to talk to us.
- Rhonda: I don't.
- Tania: If I feel you've changed, I'll tell you. I'm honest. Unlike some people, I tell it like it is.
- Rhonda: The truth? I tell the truth too. Nicole's having an affair with Chook. Muriel saw them fucking in the laundry room on your wedding day. Stick your drink up your ass, Tania. I'd rather swallow razor blades than have a drink with you. Oh, by the way... I'm not alone. I'm with Muriel.
- [repeated line; whenever his secret lover Deidre Chambers turns up in a public place]
- Bill: What a coincidence!
- Rhonda: You're right, you are a new person, and you stink. "Mariel VanArkle" stinks. And she's not half the person Muriel Heslop was.
- Muriel: When I lived in Porpoise Spit, no one looked at me. But when I moved to Sydney, Brice asked me out and that proves that I changed and I'm not her anymore.
- Rhonda: Her?
- Muriel: Muriel! Muriel Heslop. Stupid, fat and useless. I hate her! I'm never going back to being her again! Why can't it be me? Why can't I be the one?
- Rhonda: Sorry, Mum. You know I love you, but you drive me crazy. And you three, what a bunch of cocksuckers.
- Bill: I was nearly in State Government. Four million votes I needed. No one knew who won for three days 'till the postal vote came in. For three days I was almost there... You reap what you sow. You'd think I'd learn that growing up on a farm. You reap what you sow.
- Tania: I'm divorcing Chook. I suppose I have *you* to thank for that. I hope I can do the same for you one day.
- Tania: They've accused him of raping a Japanese tourist, which is ridiculous! Chook hates the Japanese!
- Rhonda: [regarding her tumor] How did I get it? I mean, it's nothing to do with too much sex, is it?
- Tania: [after Rhonda calls her and her friends "a bunch of cocksuckers"] Who do you think you are to call me that? I'm married! I'm beautiful!
- Coach Ken Blundell: Mariel, you've probably seen the news about the civil war in South Africa. Well, just as the South Africans seem to be doing the right thing by the blacks, the police open fire on a black soccer club, and that is bad news for David.
- Muriel: [to David, who is clearly a white South African] Are you black?
- David: What?
- Bridal Manageress #2: Now, now, now... just a minute. You can't come in here and threaten brides. I don't care how unfortunate, you are!
- Rhonda: Fuck off!
- Victor Keinosuke: You do a lot for the people of this town, Bill.
- Bill: Who told you that?
- Victor Keinosuke: You did.
- Funeral Priest: I have a telefax to read.
- Bill Heslop: [to Perry] Keep your eye on them journalist bastards.
- Funeral Priest: "To Bill Heslop and Family. Hazel and I were sorry to hear of the passing of Betty. We are thinking of you in your time of sorrow." Signed, the Honourable Bob Hawke, former Prime Minister of Australia.
- Bill Heslop: What are they doing?
- Perry Heslop: They're writing it down.
- Bill Heslop: I'll bet they are. Put that in your papers, you mongrel bastards. I've still got friends. How many families get telegrams from former prime ministers when somebody dies? I'm not forgotten.
- Peter 'Chook' Vernell: I love ya.
- [Muriel looks through the small gap in the door and looks shocked]
- Nicole: Yeah but you love Tanya too.
- Peter 'Chook' Vernell: Don't worry about it.
- [Chook and Nicole start going at it on the washing machine]
- Nicole: [Out of breath] Chook
- Peter 'Chook' Vernell: What?
- Nicole: Shut the door
- [Chook leans over and they both slam the door shut Muriel leans back and hears Chook and Nicole grunting in the laundry room]
- Perry Heslop: [running around the garden, pretending that he's a professional footballer] And Perry kicks! He picks it up! "Go yourself! Go yourself!" is the roar from the crowd. Heslop! Heslop! Heslop! Whoo! How can a man be so strong and so fast? Heslop!
- Bill Heslop: Perry! Wake up to yourself!
- [Muriel is being offered a deal to marry David Van Arkle, a South African Olympic swimming contender, so he can gain Australian citizenship]
- David Van Arkle: What about the black-haired one?
- Coach Ken Blundell: No, she was Turkish. She'd only been in the country five minutes.
- [to Muriel]
- Coach Ken Blundell: Now, whoever marries David will have to tell the immigration authorities that they're in love with him. Now there'll be media attention so they'll have to live with David in his flat for at least four months after the marriage. I've worked out all the details of the romance which you and David will have to stick to. But the most important thing is to convince people that you two are really in love.
- David Van Arkle: What about the blonde?
- Coach Ken Blundell: You didn't like her.
- David Van Arkle: I'm not so sure now.
- Coach Ken Blundell: Let's be honest, the South Africans were never much chop in the pool anyway. David here is a bit of a freak, really.
- Bill: After she failed high school, I get her into a secretarial course run by a mate of mine. $300 a term. Two years, $2,000. She comes out, she can't even type.
- Muriel: I could type.
- Bill: Then I get her a job at me solicitor's. After a month, Stevie Mason rings up and says he'll have to let her go 'cause she can't type.
- Muriel: If I couldn't type, why did they give me my secretarial diploma?
- Bill: Because I paid for it!
- Bill: Sits around the house like a dead weight, watching TV, sleeping all day, getting arrested at weddings! You're useless. You're all useless. A bunch of useless no-hopers.
- Leo Higgins: You know what they call this great man? "Bill the Battler". 'Cause he's a little Aussie battler.
- Bill: Been battling all me life. Battling for Porpoise Spit.