- Penny Henderson: I told Dexter not to smoke. If you ask me, they oughta put warning labels on those packages.
- Claudette: I'm Claudette Katzenback, the va-va-va-voom girl with the va-va-va-voom voice. Who the hell are you?
- Lieutenant Cross: I'm Lt. Cross, the Chicago cop with the sh-sh-short temper.
- Katzenback: Now you listen to me, Junior, don't you think that I don't know what's going on, because I do know, and now you know that I know.
- Walt Whalen Junior: Listen, I don't know what you know that I know, but I do know that you don't know what you think you know.
- Katzenback: Oh no?
- Walt Whalen Junior: No.
- Wild Writer: What if the wife smashes him over the head, with a frying pan, and then chops him up into hundreds of tiny pieces with her shiny new carving knife?
- Father Writer: No, I don't think so.
- Son Writer: It's a family show!
- Wild Writer: Okay, then what if she does it to the whole family?
- Penny Henderson: [as he's storming off, whispering] Mr. Whalen... other way...
- Walt Whalen Junior: [as he turns around and starts back the other way] Oh, yeah...
- Penny Henderson: Uh, huh.
- Claudette: I've told you, not to bother me before a show, or after a show. Or, at home in my bedroom, when I'm thinking about a show!
- [last lines]
- Announcer: And that's it from WBN in Chicago. If it wasn't clear before, it's certainly clear now; There'll never be anything quite like... radio.
- Milt Lackey: [pointing to his outstretched finger] That's it. That's the only thing I got that still works.
- Milt Lackey: In what other business can a man my age walk out on stage, smoke a cigar, tell a few jokes, sing a few songs, and use the same color lipstick that Dolores del Rio uses?
- Jules Cogley: If you are gonna be a serious gin hound I reccomend that you develop some taste. This is rat poison.
- [lifts flask to lips to drink]
- Jules Cogley: Oh, what the hell.
- Katzenback: [the mechanical stage is breaking down] No! What the hell is wrong with my stage? This can't be happening, not to my baby!
- Max Applewhite: Looks like your baby needs a good whack in the axle.
- Member, The Miller Sisters: This is just horrible!
- Guy in Vest and glasses: Not really. Get your head caught in a thrashing machine. Now that's horrible.
- Billy: Oh! It was the killer! I saw him... he was... horrible. He was a tall guy... short too. And he was wearing this really nice suit, though it was kinda shabby. And he, and he had blackish, brownish, reddish, blondish, kinda whitish hair. And, and he definitely went downstairs, or, or maybe it was up.
- Dexter Morris: [about Walt, Jr] I'd like to get my hands on that weak-kneed, lilly-livered, son of a...
- Billy: Famous general, right sir?
- Roger: You would find it much more easier to kill me than her.
- Max Applewhite: You're right, I would find it much more easier to kill you than her.
- Roger: [at the typewriter] So, he kisses the moose, and then...
- Son Writer: And then he says what?
- Father Writer: 'Oy, I kissed a moose.'
- Female Writer: Hold it.
- [to the typist]
- Female Writer: Husband says, 'Darling, you can't leave. What would it take to make you stay?'
- Father Writer: She says, 'Try chloroform.' *Ha! Ha!*
- Son Writer: This isn't a comedy.
- Female Writer: That wasn't a joke.
- Father Writer: So, The Black Whip hits him over the head with his log!
- Son Writer: Dad, he doesn't have a log, he has a whip. If he had a log, he would be known as The Black Log.
- Walt Whalen, Jr.: Don't tell my dad about this okay, he'll have my head.
- Penny Henderson: [Under her breath] Then where would you put your hair?
- Walt Whalen, Jr.: What?
- Penny Henderson: I said,
- [Covering quickly]
- Penny Henderson: I'll see you down there.