Robert Picardo credited as playing...
Chad Penrod
- Dudley Dawson: Well, I don't know about you guys, but I'm ready to jump off the dock!
- Ogre: Yeah!
- [applause]
- Chip: Hold it, everybody. I'd like to offer my toast...
- Everybody: Yeah, yeah.
- Dudley Dawson: ...to Booger's love child.
- [suspenseful music]
- Dudley Dawson: Love child? What are you talking about?
- [suspenseful music continues]
- Chip: I'm talking about the daughter you had 12 years ago, out of wedlock, with a young woman in Sandusky, Ohio.
- Ogre: All right, Booger! Yeah, bud!
- Aaron Humphrey: You have a child that my little girl doesn't know about? I am appalled Booger, appalled. And so is my wife, right, see?
- Lois Humphrey: But...
- Dudley Dawson: I don't know anything about this. I have no child in Sandusky, Ohio.
- Chip: The hell you don't!
- [everyone gasps]
- Lewis Skolnick: This is a fairly specious charge. Where's your proof, Chip?
- Dudley Dawson: Yeah, where's your proof, Chip?
- Everybody: Yeah!
- Chip: My proof is right here: I'd like you to meet Detective First Class, Chad Penrod. Detective Penrod, does Dudley Dawson, alias "Booger", have or have not a 12-year old child in Sandusky, Ohio?
- Chad Penrod: [takes out his notepad] I checked the birth records in Sandusky and found... that on March 19, 1981, a certain Heidi Dawson was born to a Miss Cathleen Turtle... Turteltaub, and a Mr. Dudley Dawson.
- Ogre: Cool.
- Trevor Gulf: Wait! If the parents of the alleged love child were never married, why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
- Dudley Dawson: Exactly! Why isn't the child's name Heidi Turteltaub?
- Lewis Skolnick: Yes!
- Chad Penrod: Beats me.
- Dudley Dawson: If the child were born to an unmarried mother, wouldn't the so-said mother have given the aforementioned daughter her last name?
- Chad Penrod: Well, I do know this: The child's nickname is "Booger".
- Chip: I'm looking for dirt, scandal, some deviant behavior, a skeleton in the closet that would be so horrible, it would break up a wedding, and money's no object.
- Chad Penrod: How did you find me?
- Chip: Let's just say, through a friend.
- Chad Penrod: And why do you wanna ruin the wedding?
- Chip: Well, my father-in-law's thinking of getting into politics, and the groom would ruin his chances.
- Chad Penrod: If the father-in-law doesn't the political arena, you don't take over the family business.
- Chip: Yes, well I suppose that would happen, but that's not my major concern.
- Chad Penrod: It's nerds, isn't it?
- Chip: How did you know that?
- Chad Penrod: I'm a detective.
- Chip: Wow.
- Chad Penrod: I had a case with nerds a couple months ago, they can be very slippery.
- Chip: How do I know you're any good?
- Chad Penrod: You know the dirt on the royal family?
- Chip: You?
- [Chad Penrod nods]
- Chip: Well, let's do business.
- Chad Penrod: All right, what's the groom's name?
- Chip: Uh, Dudley Dawson, but his friends call him "Booger".
- Chad Penrod: Well, that's the first thing in our favor.
- Chip: What's that?
- Chad Penrod: With a name like Booger, it shouldn't be too hard to get dirt on him, right?
- Chip: I - I thought you told me the love child was real.
- Chad Penrod: I didn't say she was real, I said it was a great idea.
- Chip: But it hasn't turned out to be such a great idea, has it? If Aaron finds out I've lied to him, I'm dead; he's gonna fire me.
- Chad Penrod: [sighs] Hey, if he fires you, isn't he also cutting off his own daughter?
- Chip: [whines] He's gonna give her an allowance that I'm not allowed to touch.
- Chad Penrod: Well... that'd do it.
- [Chip moans]
- Chad Penrod: Aw relax, will you? There are plenty of ways to ruin a wedding.
- Chip: Such as?
- Chad Penrod: It's easy, you know what bachelor parties are like: beautiful women, liquor flowing, raw naked temptation; Booger's bound to succumb. According to his bio, he's got the self-control of a Brahma bull.
- Chip: Uh, how would we, uh - how would we show proof of this?
- Chad Penrod: We'll make one of "America's least funny home videos".
- [Chip and Chad laugh mischievously]
- Chip: Do it.
- Chad Penrod: Hey, there's a horse here named "Big Booger".