- Lori Beth Denberg: If your bra is too tight, it's uncomfortable. If you're a *boy* and your bra is too tight, *I'm* uncomfortable.
- Lori Beth Denberg: If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in yabba-dabba doo.
- Kevin the stage manager: [at the start of every show] Five minutes! Five minutes! Show starts in five minutes!
- Dr. Debbie: So what's wrong with you?
- Bernie Kibbitz: [shouting] What *isn't* wrong with me? I'm 112 years old! My dog ran away! They cancelled the "Melrose Place!" This morning I sprained my ankle pole-vaulting and my doctor is a cheerleader... *oy!*
- Complaint Department Lady: Complaint Department.
- Megan Marples: Hello, my name is Megan Marples, that is. And this is my dog, Sniffles.
- Complaint Department Lady: Is that your complaint?
- Megan Marples: Why, no it is not! You see, I bought this hat and it has a hole in it. Observe the whole.
- Complaint Department Lady: [grabbing dog] Well, this is the weirdest hat I've ever seen.
- Megan Marples: No, no, no, no. That is my dog. This is my hat.
- Complaint Department Lady: [placing dog on head] How's it look?
- Megan Marples: Well, it looks like you have my dog on your head.
- Complaint Department Lady: I feel pretty.
- Megan Marples: Okay, as I was saying. This hat has a hole in it.
- Complaint Department Lady: ...Whatcha doin'?
- Megan Marples: Complaining.
- Complaint Department Lady: May I hear your complaint?
- Megan Marples: Well, I sure as heck hope so! This hat has an unwanted hole in it!
- Complaint Department Lady: [opening dog's mouth] Well, you're right. There's a hole right here! This hat is defective.
- [throws dog down defective shoot]
- Megan Marples: No, that's my dog!
- Complaint Department Lady: [grabbing hat] Oh, and what a cute dog it is! Who's a cutie? Who's a cute little...
- [checks under the hat]
- Complaint Department Lady: boy? You are!
- Megan Marples: You are loony!
- [walks off]
- Complaint Department Lady: Sir, you forgot your dog!
- Lori Beth Denberg: When the going gets tough, the tough get going. When left in the sun, mayonnaise grows hair.
- Lori Beth Denberg: It is not nice to push your friend Billy off a roof and then yell "Look neighbors! It's raining Billy!"
- Mr. Gerrman: I write... I write articles on food.
- Ed: [thinking he does it literally] Well, wouldn't it be better to write 'em on paper?
- Lori Beth Denberg: It's nice to stop and smell flowers. It's bad to stop and smell this old burrito.