- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, what does mama say about little boys who eavesdrop?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who eavesdrop deserve to know the truth, and the truth is usually devastating.
- Aunt Noreen: Happy Birthday, Stuart! Do you remember which aunt I am?
- Stuart Larkin: The alcoholic?
- Aunt Noreen: No...
- Stuart Larkin: The one who lives with her "FRIEND", Linda?
- Aunt Noreen: No...
- Stuart Larkin: Then you must be the ugly one.
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, apologize to your Aunt Noreen!
- Stuart Larkin: I'm sorry you're ugly.
- Doreen Larkin: What do you want to eat?
- Stuart Larkin: A Happy Meal!
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is a Chinese restaurant. They don't make the Happy Meal!
- Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese!
- Doreen Larkin: STUART! That kind of talk is racist! What does Momma say about little boys who are racist?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who are racist learn to be racist from their mother!
- Doreen Larkin: [nods] That's righ-
- [stands up]
- Doreen Larkin: Oh! Ohh! Stuart, I've never said anything racist in front of you!
- Stuart Larkin: [nods] Hmm-hmm! You said that Canadians are wussies. And that black people are not scary if they keep their hair neat.
- Doreen Larkin: Oh! Okay...
- Stuart Larkin: The French are smelly and can't fight...
- Stuart Larkin: My mom said it's okay to talk to lesbians because they take good care of their cats and have a can-do attitude.
- DMV Worker: Now turn and face the camera.
- Ms. Swan: Live from New York...
- DMV Worker: No! That's the wrong show.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about sliding down the banister?
- Stuart Larkin: Don't slide down the banister because you'll injure your googoo and that's all some men have going for them.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about little boys who aren't polite?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who aren't polite give the pro-choice a better reason to exist.
- Stuart Larkin: Where did his eyes go?
- Doreen Larkin: Well Stuart, they didn't go anywhere, honey. They're just a different shape!
- Stuart Larkin: They look like this!
- [takes his fingers to his face and presses his eyes together to resemble an Asian]
- Doreen Larkin: Well, that's the way God made 'em. Just like he gave you the lazy eye!
- Stuart Larkin: I don't have a lazy eye!
- Doreen Larkin: Ohh! Yes you do!
- Stuart Larkin: Well, you have gray hair in your danger zone!
- Doreen Larkin: STUART! Did you peek at Mommy when she was changing again?
- Connie Chung: You were great in "Chicago".
- Catherine Zeta-Jones: Thank you, that means a lot.
- Connie Chung: I know what "thank you" means.
- Abercrombie Guy 1: So what'd you guys do last night?
- Abercrombie Guy 2: Me and the guys from the Crew team went skinny dipping in the lake under the moonlight.
- Abercrombie Guy 3: Solid. Yeah, me and some of my lacrosse buddies went to the old hunting lodge and took showers together.
- Abercrombie Guy 1: I played touch football in a wheat field with my girlfriend and 13 guys from the water polo team. Then she split and we gave each other hand jobs.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about the smoking?
- Stuart Larkin: Smoking is for Europeans and white trash.
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, this is your first time in a Chinese restaurant! Isn't this fun?
- Stuart Larkin: The waiter's face looked weird!
- Doreen Larkin: Well, that's because he's Asian...
- Stuart Larkin: [slight pause] Where did his eyes go?
- Salesman: [to female co-worker] Haha, take it like a man.
- Ms. Swan: [to same woman] Yeah, you look like you take it like a man.
- Belma Buttons: Damn, this flight makes more stops than R. Kelly's limo in a preschool parking lot.
- Tovah McQueen: God bless Southwest Airlines, the ghetto bus of the sky.
- Doreen Larkin: [in a Chinese restaurant] Well, do you know what you want to eat?
- Stuart Larkin: A happy meal.
- Doreen Larkin: Stuart, it's a Chinese restaurant, they don't make the happy meal.
- Stuart Larkin: [growling] Then I hate the Chinese.
- Vancome Lady: [to a white tricker-or-treater dressed as a hooded ghost] Hurry up, Blondie, you don't wanna be late to the Hitler Youth Convention.
- Vancome Lady: [to a black tricker-or-treater dressed as a jailbird] Oh, and young man, my car has low-jack.
- Marvin Tikvah: Shelly.
- Shelly: What?
- Marvin Tikvah: [lowering voice] Shelly.
- [pauses and takes a drink]
- Marvin Tikvah: C'MON.
- Phil LaMarr: And remember: When you watch Mad TV, it's like making love to us with your remote control.
- Stuart Larkin: [talking to the Tooth Fairy] Don't jump on the bed. My mom says only Italians do that.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about lying?
- Stuart Larkin: Little boys who lie should expect tragedy to visit them on a regular basis.
- Doreen Larkin: What does mama say about swearing?
- Stuart Larkin: Mama says, little boys who swear grow up to Democrats.
- Bunifa Jackson: [in an Antiques Roadshow parody, after being told her plate is worth $6] Alright fine, but let me tell you something. I'll take the $6 then.
- Appraiser: I'm not interested in buying it.
- Bunifa Jackson: No, no it's okay, I'll take the six.
- Appraiser: No, no ma'am, I'm the appraiser, I'm not the buyer
- Bunifa Jackson: Then why you offer me $6?
- Appraiser: No, I didn't.
- Bunifa Jackson: Yes you did!
- Appraiser: No I didn't.
- Bunifa Jackson: Yes you did! Yes you did! Yes you did! Oh, so what am I a liar now? I'm a liar! She just called me a liar! I'm some dumb stupid liar. I'm just some dumb stupid lying bitch!
- Appraiser: Ma'am I did not call you any of those names.
- Bunifa Jackson: So she gonna say I'm deaf. I'm deaf! I'm some dumb stupid lying deaf bitch with a six dollar dinner plate!
- Police Officer: Was he a black man or a white man?
- Ms. Swan: You know... black-a like you, black-a like me.
- Nurse: [Vancome Lady is in a coma] It's hard to tell how much work she had done. I'm gonna need a chisel to get all that makeup off.
- Vancome Lady: [thinking] Watch it there, Moesha. I may be a coma but I'm not deaf.
- [filming the Blair Witch report]
- Diane Sawyer: I'm Diane Sawyer. I'm all alone now, and I'm scared. I continue to hear voices all around me.
- [off in the distance]
- Ted Koppel: I'm Ted Koppel.
- [at a Disney party making Disney jokes]
- Bambi: OK, so one morning, Mickey wakes up and looks outside. He sees "Mickey Sucks" written in urine. Mickey calls the police and they say they have bad news and they have worse news. The bad news is that the urine is Pluto's. The worse news is that it's Minnie's handwriting.
- Rosa Parks: What's up with all you white people? Ya'll got no asses! It's like God said, "I'm gonna take your asses and give 'em to the black people!" See...
- [turns around]
- Rosa Parks: We've got TWO asses!
- Dollar Bill Montgomery: We were supposed to get Dr. Bill Cosby here today, but instead we got this anonymous bitch.
- Rogaine Washington: Hey, hey, hey, I got a name. It's Rogaine. Rogaine Ephedra-Free Washington. Oh, and I'm not a bitch, I'm a ho. Bitch don't get paid.
- Man: [a t-ball coach teaching Stuart to swing] Now, Stuart, you have to get angry and swing at the ball. What makes you angry , Stuart?
- Stuart Larkin: [eyes narrow, voice becomes a growling whisper] The *world*.