- Grandpa Gustafson: What the... what the hell is this?
- John Gustafson: That's lite beer.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Gee, I weigh ninety goddamn pounds, and you bring me this sloppin' foam?
- John Gustafson: Ariel's got me on a diet because the doc said my cholestorol's a little too high.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, let me tell you something now, Johnny. Last Thursday, I turned 95 years old. And I never exercised a day in my life. Every morning, I wake up and I smoke a cigarette. And then I eat five strips of bacon. And for lunch, I eat a bacon sandwich. And for a midday snack?
- John Gustafson: Bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Bacon! A whole damn plate! And I usually drink my dinner. Now, according to all of them flat-belly experts, I should've took a dirt nap like thirty years ago. But each year comes and goes, and I'm still here. Ha! And they keep dyin'. You know? Sometimes I wonder if God forgot about me. Just goes to show you, huh?
- John Gustafson: What?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Huh?
- John Gustafson: Goes to show you what?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, it just goes... what the hell are you talkin' about?
- John Gustafson: Well, you said you drink beer, you eat bacon, and you smoke cigarettes, and you outlive most of the experts.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Yeah?
- John Gustafson: I thought maybe there's a moral.
- Grandpa Gustafson: No, there ain't no moral. I just like that story. That's all. I like that story.
- [after Allie swallows a quarter]
- Grandpa Gustafson: Relax. Kids swallow quarters all the time.
- Melanie: Really?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Sure. If she craps out two dimes and a nickel, then you can start worrying.
- Mama Ragetti: We could have retired in Hawaii.
- Grandpa Gustafson: I have been to Hawaii.
- Mama Ragetti: Oh yeah? Which island?
- Grandpa Gustafson: Come-on-I-wanna-lay-ya.
- Mama Ragetti: I find you disgusting.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, just as long as you find me.
- Grandpa Gustafson: And then the Mama Bear said, "Somebody's been sleeping in my bed, too." And finally, the Baby Bear looked and he said, "Somebody's sleeping in my bed, and the bastard's still there!" But Goldilocks had a Remington semi-automatic with a scope and a hair-trigger.
- Allie, Melanie's Daughter: [laughing] That's not the way it goes!
- Grandpa Gustafson: And that was the end of the Three Bears.
- John Gustafson: Hey, Pop. Well, I've really done it this time. I've really screwed it up. Jake and Melanie have called off the marriage, Jake's moved in with Max, Max and I are at it again, and on top of that, Ariel's moved back into her house with Melanie. Now what am I gonna do about all of that, huh? Pop? Pop?
- [the elder Gustafson is slumped forward in his seat; John gently checks his pulse and realizes he has passed away]
- John Gustafson: [tearfully] Looks like God remembered you, Pop.
- Grandpa Gustafson: [to Mama Regatti in the produce section of the market] O-o-o-o. Italian girl. What do you say we go back to my place. I'll show you my cannelloni. Huh?
- John Gustafson: Here, drop anchor.
- Max Goldman: You cut the anchor, you dumbass.
- John Gustafson: All right, then grab the net!
- Max Goldman: You cut that too, you dickhead!
- John Gustafson: Pop, I really wish you'd try the low fat bacon.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Well, you can wish in one hand and crap in the other and see which gets filled first!
- [after Ariel kicks John out, and Max won't let him spend the night]
- John Gustafson: I'm cold.
- Max Goldman: [hands him some matches] Here's some matches. Set yourself on fire.
- Max Goldman: [singing] I just met a girl named Maria! And now I plainly see, she's not the bitch I thought she would be!
- Max Goldman: [to John after Maria dumps spaghetti sauce on them] Do you think we should ask her for some garlic bread?
- Max Goldman: You couldn't catch crabs from a $10 hooker.
- John Gustafson: How is your sister, by the way?
- [about talking to one's plants]
- Max Goldman: I got a cactus in my bathroom, but we got nothing to say to each other.
- Max Goldman: [Maria kisses Max after they fall to the ground] Mama mia!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Holy moly!
- Max Goldman: I am the gangster of love
- John Gustafson: Gangster, huh? So tell me, was it more of a hold up than a stick up?
- Max Goldman: Even your infantile penis jokes seem funny and witty this morning.
- [after finally catching Catfish Hunter]
- Max Goldman: If I die today, I die a happy man.
- John Gustafson: You die today, I'm taking your motor.
- [John charges at Max in a boat]
- Max Goldman: You don't have the balls to take me on any more. Ariel's got you neutered.
- Max Goldman: I knew your old man longer than I knew my own.
- John Gustafson: He was always very fond of you, Max.
- Max Goldman: He was a good man.
- John Gustafson: The best.
- Max Goldman: [beat] You know I didn't mean what I said about Melanie the other day.
- John Gustafson: Yeah. And you know how I really feel about Jacob.
- Max Goldman: He's a good boy.
- John Gustafson: Yeah.
- Max Goldman: I just don't want him to be lonely. He deserves better.
- John Gustafson: He deserves Melanie.
- [pause]
- Max Goldman: So what do you wanna do now?
- John Gustafson: Wanna get drunk?
- Max Goldman: Yeah.
- John Gustafson: [Bloopers] Dear! Uh, what... what the hell is her name?
- Max Goldman: Ariel?
- John Gustafson: Ariel! She left me.
- Max Goldman: You surprised? You don't even know her name.
- John Gustafson: I am going down and apologizing to Maria.
- Max Goldman: You traitor, you Benedict Arnold.
- John Gustafson: Yeah, yeah.
- Max Goldman: Finally. I didn't think he would last that long.
- [Grabs milk and smells it]
- Max Goldman: Smells alright to me.
- Max Goldman: Bait shop!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ristorante!
- Max Goldman: Baita shoppe.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ristorante!
- Grandpa Gustafson: It's okay, I'm a doctor.
- John Gustafson: Oh, sounds like Dad's using his free exam trick again.
- Max Goldman: Well, you gotta stick with what works.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: She pressed the grapes herself back in Palermo. It's a rare vintage with a unique bouquet.
- Max Goldman: Is that a nice way of saying that the wine smells like your mama's feet?
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: [to Max] Ragetti's will be a romantic lake-front ristorante. It will be special, classy, somewhere you would never go.
- Max Goldman: Night crawler's the king of all worms. They come out at night after the rain to lay out across the grass and breathe the night air.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ah.
- Max Goldman: This restaurant is sitting on top of one of the biggest and best worm beds in all of Wabasha county.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ah, you can imagine my excitement.
- Allie, Melanie's Daughter: Sing me a lullaby.
- Grandpa Gustafson: It's too late.
- Allie, Melanie's Daughter: Please!
- Grandpa Gustafson: Alright.
- [singing]
- Grandpa Gustafson: Stars shining bright above you, Light breezes seem to whisper, "I love you", Birds singing in the Sycamore tree, Dream, a little dream of me...
- Mama Ragetti: [has called for a silence in Italian] I know my Maria, she wants nothing to do with that man
- [meaning John]
- Mama Ragetti: .
- Ariel Gustafson: Oh yeah, how would you know that?
- Mama Ragetti: Because, she wants that man
- [meaning Max]
- Mama Ragetti: .
- [Maria is frustrated with her mother as she leaves in her robe. Ariel forgives John for her false accusations about him cheating on her]
- Jacob Goldman: Studying up on your Italian, are you? You thinking of wooing Maria?
- Max Goldman: Nah, just gonna curse at her in her own language. That's all.
- Jacob Goldman: Hey, Pop, don't you think it's time you started dating again?
- Max Goldman: Who with?
- Jacob Goldman: Well, I happen to know Florence Gilbert, for example, down at the Rotary club, thinks you're quite a catch.
- Max Goldman: She looks like Ernest Borgnine.
- Jacob Goldman: Is that such a bad thing? What about Jane Clark?
- Max Goldman: Jane of the Jungle. Got more body hair than I do. She's a fur-bearing mammal, for God's sake.
- Jacob Goldman: Doris Sobrinski. Huh? I know she's a little heavy, but she loves to fish. You get her on the boat...
- Max Goldman: Doris Sobrinski is dead.
- Jacob Goldman: She is?
- Max Goldman: She choked to death on a stack of pancakes two weeks ago at the Lions Club charity breakfast.
- Jacob Goldman: Wow.
- Max Goldman: I think it's how she would have wanted to go.
- [opens a container of macaroni and cheese and starts eating]
- Jacob Goldman: Pop?
- Max Goldman: Yeah?
- Jacob Goldman: Listen to me. You can't sit around waiting for another Ariel to walk into your life.
- [Max just stares at him]
- Jacob Goldman: Thanks for the Phillips.
- [starts to walk away]
- Max Goldman: Jacob!
- Jacob Goldman: What?
- Max Goldman: Remember when you were a kid, your mother baked that rhubarb pie for my birthday?
- Jacob Goldman: She swelled up like a balloon. Broke out in hives. She didn't know she was allergic to rhubarb.
- Max Goldman: Oh, she knew. She baked it anyway 'cause she knew it was my favorite.
- Jacob Goldman: What made you think of that, Pop?
- Max Goldman: I don't know. I think about things like that all the time.
- Jacob Goldman: [concerned] Hey, Pop... are you all right?
- Max Goldman: Will you get out of here and let me watch my program? And close the door when you go because I don't want those mosquitoes coming in here. They're crazy about my macaroni and cheese dish.
- Max Goldman: You're Spaghetti Ragetti's cousin!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Yeah. Why so surprised?
- Max Goldman: Holy moly. Well, I thought - I thought - I was expecting someone that *looked* like Rick.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: How's that?
- Max Goldman: You know, fat, hairy, homely. But you're not so fat.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: You're a smooth talker, Mr. Goldman.
- Max Goldman: You're wasting your time, Miss Ragetti, I'm telling you. No - people are not going to come down here for I-talian when we got a Chuck E. Cheese right in town.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Listen, I don't know this Cheese person. But Ragetti's will be a romantic lakefront ristorante. It will be special, classy - somewhere you would never go.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: [to Ariel] Do you think I had sex with your husband?
- Max Goldman: Well, you sure weren't having sex with me.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Why should I have sex with you? You just said you hated me!
- Max Goldman: [pointing to John] He said I hated you! I never said I hated you! Actually, I've grown quite fond of you!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: So now I'm supposed to have sex with *you* instead of him!
- Ariel Gustafson: Ah-ha! So you admit you slept with my husband! Huh! Huh!
- John Gustafson: Nobody slept with anybody last night!
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Ah, finalmente.
- Grandpa Gustafson: Speak for yourself!
- [walks out with Mama Ragetti]
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Mama?
- Max Goldman: What would you say?
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Maybe.
- Max Goldman: Maybe? What kind of an answer is "Maybe?"
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Maybe's maybe.
- Max Goldman: Then maybe I'll stop by at 7:00 tonight.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Maybe I'll cook something nice for you in the kitchen.
- Max Goldman: I'll see you then.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Maybe.
- Max Goldman: I went to Nate's Auto Body Shop. Had all the seats refinished. It's authentic imitation leather.
- Max Goldman: Asa-moo-nu-coo-coo-lu-lu.
- John Gustafson: I think I liked you better before you were gettin' any.
- Max Goldman: You look nice.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Thank you.
- Max Goldman: I, eh, I just want to say - what I'm trying to say is - there are many women floating in the river, but you're the only one I want to stuff and stick over on my wall over the fireplace.
- Maria Sophia Coletta Ragetti: Thank you so much.
- Ariel Gustafson: Honey, would you stop worrying? Max is going to be just fine.
- John Gustafson: I hope so... I may have given him some bad advice earlier.
- Ariel Gustafson: What'd you say?
- John Gustafson: I told him... I told him to just be himself.
- Ariel Gustafson: You said WHAT?
- Max Goldman: There's a rumor going around that Rick Ragetti's cousin's come down from St. Paul to buy Chuck's Bait.
- John Gustafson: An Italian running Chuck's, huh?
- Max Goldman: Yeah, we'll have the first mob-run bait shop in Wabasha.
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