- Linda Ash: And so there I am on the first day, on the set, and there's this guy fucking me from behind, right, and there's these two huge guys dressed like cops in my mouth at the same time and I remember thinking to myself, "I like acting. I wanna study."
- Chorus: [referring to Oedipus] Look, here's a man who killed his father and slept with his mother.
- Jocasta: [(Oedipus' mother)] I hate to tell you what they call my son in Harlem.
- Linda Ash: You're married, aren't you?
- Lenny Weinrib: How can you tell that?
- Linda Ash: 'Cause you got that look.
- Lenny Weinrib: "That look?" What... what look is that?
- Linda Ash: That look like it's been a long time since you had a great blowjob.
- Cassandra: Now I see big trouble!
- Lenny Weinrib: Oh for God's sakes, you're such a Cassandra!
- Cassandra: I'm not 'such a Cassandra'; I am Cassandra!
- [showing Lenny a novelty watch]
- Linda Ash: See, as the mainspring goes back and forth, the bishop keeps fucking her in the ass. It's a genuine antique and it keeps perfect time.
- Max: Who is the boss between you and mommy?
- Lenny Weinrib: Who is the boss? You have to ask that? I'm the boss. Mommy is only the decision maker.
- Lenny Weinrib: Who's Rickey?
- Linda Ash: He's, he's... he takes a percentage of my work.
- Lenny Weinrib: He's a pimp right?
- Linda Ash: No, he's like a business representative.
- Lenny Weinrib: Wha? ...what do you need a business representative...? All you need is a mattress and a couple of garter belts...you're not a conglomerate!
- Lenny Weinrib: [at the racetrack] There's a reason the horse is sixty to one though, y'know, he's probably got polio.
- Lenny Weinrib: You didn't see Schindler's List?
- Kevin: No, no... that was the one with the Jews and the, um... who were the bad guys?
- Lenny Weinrib: The Nazis. The blond guys were the Nazis.
- Kevin: They were tough motherfuckers.
- Lenny Weinrib: I told you from day one the girl was not a virgin!
- Kevin: You didn't tell me how many times though!
- [looking for the right horse to bet on]
- Linda Ash: Here's one: Eager Beaver! I once did a film called "Beaver Patrol" about these Boy Scouts who find drunk Girl Scouts in the woods and they take them into a cabin and they reach into their packs and they pull out these dildos and then...
- [after learning that Amanda cheated on Lenny]
- Greek Chorus: Oh my God! It's more serious than we thought!
- Greek Chorus Leader: It's very serious! Her marriage to Lenny is in crisis!
- Greek Chorus: With the passage of time, even the strongest bonds become fragile!
- Greek Chorus Leader: Great, fellas, it sounds like a fortune cookie!
- Greek Chorus: Oh, Zeus! Most potent of gods! We implore thee! We need your help! Zeus! Great Zeus! Hear us! Hear us! We call out to thee!
- Zeus: Um, this is Zeus. I'm not home right now, but you can leave a message and I'll get back to you. Please start speaking at the tone.
- [beep]
- Greek Chorus: Call us when you get in. We need help!
- Linda Ash: But seriously, you wanna know why I liked you right from the start?
- Lenny Weinrib: Why?
- Linda Ash: 'Cause I'm always attracted to losers.
- Lenny Weinrib: Losers. You think I'm a loser?
- Linda Ash: Yeah, you've got no confidence, it's sweet, I like that in a man. I can't stand those johns who come in and throw down a couple of hundred and whip out a big dick and wave it all over the joint.
- Lenny Weinrib: I wouldn't do that, even if I wanted to...
- Linda Ash: My father's brother was supposed to be a genius. I never met him, but everybody said he was brilliant.
- Lenny Weinrib: Really? What did he do?
- Linda Ash: He was a serial rapist. He spent his whole life in jail, but if he had gone straight, he might have been very good in math.
- Chorus: Children grow up, they move out! Sometimes to ridiculous places like Cincinnati, or Boise, Idaho! Then you never see them again!
- Chorus Leader: You'd think they'd at least pick up a phone!
- Laius: But is there a growing void in the Weinrib marriage?
- Chorus: We didn't say there was! We're all just speculating on possible motives! Children are serious stuff!
- Greek Chorus: Of all human weaknesses, obsession is the most dangerous, and the silliest!
- Greek Chorus Leader: Don't go any further. I know what you're thinking, Lenny, and forget it!
- Lenny Weinrib: I can't forget it; the thought's been put in my head.
- Chorus: Oh, cursed fate; certain thoughts are better left unthunk.
- Linda Ash: You want to go inside, take a shower? You can study me up close and personal.
- Lenny Weinrib: Oh... oh, no, I've bathed already.
- Chorus: Lenny, don't be a schmuck!
- Lenny Weinrib: Six dates? It's a slow night. I wish I had the penicillin concession in your apartment.
- Lenny Weinrib: Hey, wait a minute. I don't have any interest in controlling her. I'm doing this for Max's sake. When the kid gets older, inevitably he's gonna trace his mother. And, you know, I'd be happier if she was married and a-- a hairdresser, you know, rather than the star of "The Enchanted Pussy".
- Kevin: The last girl I was with drove me up the wall, man. She made my stomach sick to the stomach.
- Lenny Weinrib: Linda is church people.
- Kevin: That's what I want. I want a church girl.
- Lenny Weinrib: She's great.
- Kevin: I want a nice church girl. I don't want one of these fast New York sluts. I want a nice, homely girl who likes to raise a family and dogs and all that kind of thing.
- Lenny Weinrib: Can I say two words to you? Can I say two words? Butter churn. Okay? Butter churn. This is a pioneer girl. This is a girl who is practically, incidentally, a virgin.
- Kevin: What do you mean, "practically"?
- Lenny Weinrib: I wanna level with you-- sh-she's slept with one or two guys in her life. An old college professor... a-a-and her childhood sweetheart. But both of them were killed in combat for their nation. It's a sad story.
- Lenny Weinrib: I always thought that Bender had eyes for her.
- Tiresias: Well, now he's got eyes and hands.
- Lenny Weinrib: Jesus-- Well, Amanda didn't respond, did she?
- Tiresias: No. She just opened her mouth very wide and stuck her tongue out as far as it was humanly possible to go.
- Lenny Weinrib: Jeez-- Are you sure?
- Tiresias: Well, hey-- Does the Trojan Horse have a wooden dick?
- Greek Chorus Leader: Curiosity, that's what kills us. Not muggers or all that bullshit about the ozone layer. It's our own hearts and minds.
- Lenny Weinrib: Meanwhile this guy's going to stare at you the whole weekend and mentally undress you.
- Amanda: He is not. He's not. God, your paranoia is rivaled in history only by Joseph Stalin.
- Messenger: I come from the midtown area where Lenny Weinrib, tortured by passions too overwhelming to regulate, did indeed call this little hustler on the phone in earnest attempt to see her again. At first he wrestled with his drives, trying to master a curiosity not slaked by this initial meeting, but only whetted by it. His thirst to know this woman more did inexorably provoke him to call her. Nervous and confused, at first he only got her answering machine. Then, at fifth try, she picked up the phone herself. Painful to relate that she thought he was nuts and did not want to meet him no how. "Stop bothering me, creep," was her cutting declaration. Then she used the "F" word. Agonized, he called again, offering her abundant financial compensation just for a brief chat. But she bade him get off her back and slammed the phone down. Finally, in doldrums mixed with much anxiety, he stood watch outside her apartment and waited until such a time as he did spot her heading for the Laundromat.
- Linda Ash: I had a kid, Lenny, and I gave him up for adoption. It's the sorriest thing I ever did in my entire life. There's not a day that doesn't go by that I don't wake up thinking about him. Now some lucky family has him. I just hope to God that they're taking good care of him.
- Lenny Weinrib: Why'd you give him up?
- Linda Ash: I don't know. I was-- I was all confused. I had no dough. I-I-- I didn't know what to do. I-- I didn't even know who the father was. It could've been any one of a hundred guys. Welcome to planet Earth, thanks to a broken condom.
- Linda Ash: Yeah, well, he knows it was your idea that I get out of the business. So he said he's gonna' kill you too.
- Lenny Weinrib: He said he was gonna' kill me?
- Linda Ash: Yeah, 'cause it was your idea. He's gonna' cut up my face and put a bullet between your eyes.
- Lenny Weinrib: Really? Did he-- Did he specify the caliber?
- Linda Ash: - Listen, I just thought maybe you could just reason with him.
- Lenny Weinrib: No, I can't. I-- Listen, I never told you this, but I got a-- a slight heart murmur, and right now it's murmuring "hide."
- Chorus Leader: The girl was right. They respect strength. They despise cowardice. Power is all they know. Stand firm. Remember brave Achilles.
- Lenny Weinrib: Hey, don't get-- Achilles only had an Achilles heel. I have a full Achilles body.
- Lenny Weinrib: Linda. Linda with an "A." Linda. She's a great kid. And she's a substantial woman. This is not a dumb girl. This girl has got a PhD in-in-in... root and follicle culture.
- Linda Ash: He'd cut up my face and put a bullet between your eyes.
- Lenny Weinrib: Really? Did he-did he specify the caliber?
- Ricky, the Pimp: Well, if you're a friend of hers don't be putting stupid ideas in her head. She's liable to get hurt. You too.
- Chorus Leader: You're gonna' let him do that to you?
- Lenny Weinrib: Hey, look. Would you do me a favor and go back to Athens?
- Chorus Leader: You gonna' let your son's mother remain a white slave to this two-bit pimp?
- Lenny Weinrib: It-- It's starting to look that way, isn't it?
- Linda Ash: Are you off your fucking rocker? I'm gonna go marry an onion farmer and do hair in Wimpsville?
- Lenny Weinrib: Wampsville, not Wimpsville.
- Kevin: You know what my dream is?
- Linda Ash: What?
- Kevin: I'm in a field, right? And, like, this hawk comes and picks me up in his beak, right? And then flies me, like, all over the world so I see everything. And then, like, he flies me out of the country and, like, we go up to the North Pole and he drops me in the snow. And I'm just layin' there naked. What's your dream?
- Linda Ash: My dream is that somebody would come along and think that I was special, that, you know-- that they'd wanna' come and change my life for me. That's my dream.
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