- Gail Dwyer: I hate you! You did this to me you miserable piece of dick-brained, horseshit slime-sucking son of a whore bitch!
- Marty: That's perfect! I got it all on film, the kids will love it!
- Dr. Kosevich: I've got it! Nurse, call the Anesthesiologist, this woman needs an enema!
- Nurse, Samuel Faulkner, Rebecca Taylor: An enema?
- Dr. Kosevich: No, uh, she needs a pedicure!
- Nurse: This ain't no goddam beauty parlor!
- Dr. Kosevich: Epitath!
- Samuel Faulkner: She's not dead, you moron!
- Dr. Kosevich: Epidermus... Uh...
- Rebecca Taylor: Epidural, asshole!
- Samuel Faulkner: Are you sure?
- Rebecca Taylor: I'm ten days late.
- Samuel Faulkner: And there's no way you could have had it and just not noticed?
- [Samuel Faulkner sees needle and faints]
- Dr. Kosevich: See? That is why women have the babies. Men can't take the paaai...
- [sees needle and faints]
- Gail Dwyer: Who is that, honey?
- Marty: It's, uh, my mother.
- Gail Dwyer: I thought she was dead!
- Marty: Yeah, I know, it's really weird!
- Samuel Faulkner: Can't you give her something for the pain?
- Dr. Kosevich: You don't want natural child birth?
- Samuel Faulkner: No!
- Dr. Kosevich: Okay, uh... You want Anastasia? Drugs, yes? Okay, valium.
- Samuel Faulkner: Valium is no good for her.
- Dr. Kosevich: No, for me.
- Samuel Faulkner: NO!
- Samuel Faulkner: [Lost a tennis game] Fuck! Shit! Shit!
- Sean: Sam...?
- Samuel Faulkner: FUCK!
- Sean: Okay, no more today. What happened to that British etiquette?
- Sean: Hey why do you guys really, really come here? Is it just to ruin my weekends and embarrass me in front of my friends at my home?
- Gail: Your home? This isn't your home. It was our parents home! But I don't see you making any contributions. You've got no wife, no kids. You insult the only family you have. You keep this up and you'll die alone, like a dog, like a bum, like Van Gogh.
- Truman: My dad's an asshole.
- Samuel Faulkner: Okay. Good. Um, is that something you can maybe elaborate on for me a little?
- Truman: Okay. My dad's a giant asshole.
- Samuel Faulkner: I'm so sorry, I was a disgrace, I know now what a bastard I was, I was completely selfish and you had absolutely every right to walk out on me, but I want you to reconsider,
- [shows her a ring]
- Samuel Faulkner: will you marry me? Rebecca, be my wife.
- Marty: I'm not gonna buy your damn video!
- Arnie: But, the kids will love it...
- Marty: My kids will hate it because they think your show sucks!
- Arnie: [after a long pause] Oh.
- Samuel Faulkner: But, thanks. Thanks anyway.
- Arnie: Oh, sure. Hey, no hard feelings okay?
- Marty: All right. Sorry.
- Arnie: That's okay.
- [laughs]
- Arnie: So long.
- Samuel Faulkner: So long.
- [He and Samuel walk away]
- Arnie: Eh, you cheap shit.
- Marty: What did you say?
- Arnie: Huh? Oh, gee! I didn't say nothing, mister! You must be hearing things.
- Samuel Faulkner: He didn't anything, Marty.
- Arnie: Bye-bye! Arnie loves you, you penis head.
- Marty: Now, I heard that!
- [Sammy stops him]
- Arnie: Heard what?
- Marty: I heard what you said.
- Samuel Faulkner: All right, come on, forget it. He's someone pathetic in a dinosaur suit. Come on.
- Marty: There's children around here, for god's sake.
- Samuel Faulkner: Forget it, forget it. Come on.
- Arnie: So long, you fat-ass pussy!
- [he flips the bird]
- Marty: That's it!
- [began to fight Arnie the Dinosaur]
- Truman: Are you alright, Man?
- Samuel Faulkner: Yes, I'm fine. I was just listening to what you were saying. Um, could you repeat it so I could get it down?
- Truman: You're an asshole, and my dad's a bastard!
- Marty: You know what? I would walk over there and kick your bony little ass if I wasn't going to have my 5 year-old daughter do it!
- Older Woman: You stupid son of a bitch! He has a heart condition, learn to drive! What?
- [to Older Man]
- Older Woman: George! Are you all right?
- Older Man: I'm having chest pains.
- Older Woman: I'll call an ambulance.
- Samuel Faulkner: Look, I'm on my way to the hospital, if'd you like a ride.
- [after hits a bicyclist by a van]
- Samuel Faulkner: Jesus.
- [opens the car door]
- Samuel Faulkner: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Are you all right?
- Bicyclist: My leg is broken. Help me.
- Samuel Faulkner: Help! Just stay there.
- [Older Woman and waitress comes out of the car and picks him up]
- Older Woman: Are you trying to kill everyone in San Francisco, you asshole? We don't have time for this! My husband's having a heart attack!
- [a car door bumps Bicyclist's head, screaming]
- Bicyclist: OW! Where are you taking me?
- Older Woman: Shut up, or I'll break the other leg!
- Rebecca Taylor: [after 2 months of abstinence, she finally feels good enough to make love again. But, after a mad dash to their room and settled in bed...] I don't think we should make love until we talk to the doctor.
- Samuel Faulkner: [tremendously disappointed] Please?
- Rebecca Taylor: We don't know what could happen, hon.
- [pause]
- Rebecca Taylor: But you know what? I bet if we wait a while, we can feel the baby move again.
- Samuel Faulkner: [trying hard to be brave] Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That would be just as much fun.