- Ann Black: Everybody makes their own fun. If you don't make it yourself, it isn't fun. It's entertainment.
- Joseph Turner White: You believe that?
- Ann Black: I do if you do.
- Joseph Turner White: But it's absurd.
- Ann Black: So is our electoral process. But we still vote.
- Walt Price: What does he like?
- Bill Smith: 14-year-old girls.
- Walt Price: Well, get him something else. We want to get out of this town alive. Get him half a 28-year-old girl. How's my math?
- Joseph Turner White: What's an associate producer credit?
- Bill Smith: It's what you give to your secretary instead of a raise.
- Joseph Turner White: Ever wonder why the Dalmatian's the symbol of the firehouse?
- Ann Black: First organized fire department was on the border of Dalmatia and Sardinia in the year 642.
- Joseph Turner White: That's why the Dalmatian?
- Ann Black: It was either that, or a sardine.
- Tommy Max: I don't know what her problem is. She takes off her shirt to do a voice-over. What's her problem? The country could draw her tits from memory.
- Marty Rossen: I'm going to rip your heart out, then I'm going to piss on your lungs through the hole in your chest! And the best to Marian...
- Bob Barrenger: I know my lines.
- Walt Price: You do?
- Bob Barrenger: I just don't know what order they come in.
- Walt Price: How are we coming with the dead horse scene?
- Marty Rossen: You can't actually kill the horse.
- Walt Price: Aw, fuck me!
- Walt Price: Marty, we got a new town. It's uh... Where are we?
- Bill Smith: Waterford, Vermont.
- Walt Price: Waterford, Vermont. Where is it? THAT'S where it is.
- Decorator: Do you want to see the firemen's costumes? Because i found this mole skin for the color...
- Production Assistant: Marty Rossen has touched down
- Walt Price: Okay.
- Decorator: It's not black but it looks black. it's not brown...
- Walt Price: Yep, it's faggy without being homosexual.
- Walt Price: Who designed these costumes? It looks like Edith Head puked, and that puke designed these costumes.
- Doc Wilson: It's the truth that you should never trust anybody who wears a bow tie. Cravat's supposed to point down to accentuate the genitals. Why'd you wanna trust somebody whose tie points out to accentuate his ears?
- [after emerging from an upside-down station wagon he has just crashed]
- Bob Barrenger: So, that happened.
- Tommy Max: My wife is going to have a baby.
- Walt Price: Oh, good, let's bring more people into this overcrowded world.
- Walt Price: Would you like a cigar?
- Mayor George Bailey: Aren't these illegal?
- Walt Price: Why would they be illegal?
- Mayor George Bailey: Well, the trade embargo with Cuba.
- Walt Price: Nobody tells me anything.
- Joseph Turner White: I may have to go to jail.
- Ann Black: I'll knit you a sweater.
- Joseph Turner White: I'm gonna be in there a long time.
- Ann Black: I'll knit you a jumpsuit.
- Ann Black: And here's some hydrogen peroxide.
- Joseph Turner White: I don't drink.
- Ann Black: It's for your finger.
- Joseph Turner White: How do I do a film called "The Old Mill" when I don't have an old mill?
- Ann Black: Well, first you've got to change the title.
- Joseph Turner White: You like kids?
- Ann Black: Never saw the point of 'em.
- Joseph Turner White: Me neither.
- Walt Price: And we're going to sue you for a billion dollars.
- Joe White: What cause?
- Walt Price: I don't need a cause, I just need a lawyer!
- [Marty eats a piece of bread]
- Marty Rossen: Mm, this is good. Have you tried it?
- Walt Price: Oh, like I'm really going to eat carbohydrates.
- Tommy Max: I'm very sorry, I...
- Walt Price: You're very sorry, you passive-aggressive, son-of-a-bitch... Can we replace him?
- Bill Smith: We start shooting in three days.
- Tommy Max: My wife is having a baby...
- [Walt stares at him irritated]
- Walt Price: Thank you for keeping me current.
- Postman: Doc, those pills you gave me; I'm not sure that they work.
- Doc Wilson: Well I'm not sure either, but you don't hear me complain.
- Ann Black: [on phone] No, Henry James was the novelist, Frank James was the criminal. Yup, you came to the right place. Jesse James was the brother.... Of the novelist. That's right, Susie. See you tomorrow, Susie.
- Marty Rossen: Well, I'm gonna solve it here or this bimbo you sent me is gonna be doing a donkey act on public access television. Her tits her tits her tits her tits. That she signed in her contract! We hired her because of 10 years at the Actors Studio, the way she played Medea? Her last 2 pictures lay there on the screen like my first wife.
- Sherry Bailey: [singing over the end credits] The life was a sweet, old-fashioned dream and the memory lingers yet. / And I think of our hour by the old mill stream and I find that I'm still wet...
- Marty Rossen: Get him some... Maple syrup.
- Walt Price: Maple syrup. Grows on trees.
- Marty Rossen: Actually, it's an extract of the tree.
- Walt Price: Oh, bullshit.
- Walt Price: What's in the bag?
- Marty Rossen: My undies, cause, you can't get this film off on time I'm gonna wet myself.
- Doug Mackenzie: You have a date, they call, you're doing business nine at o'clock at night.
- Ann Black: I wasn't doing business.
- Doug Mackenzie: Oh, well what were you doing then that was so important that you shouldn't call your fianc...
- Ann Black: I... have to tell you that it is all over between us, Doug. I met somebody else, and it's very serious, and it's over.
- Doug Mackenzie: Wait, so serious you couldn't call me and tell you'd be... what?
- Bill Smith: It's Marty, he's on the coast.
- Walt Price: On the coast? Of course he's on the coast, where would he be, The Hague?
- Walt Price: We're gonna go have some local food, some roadhouse. Joe, you wanna go?
- Joseph Turner White: Gotta date.
- Walt Price: Already he's learned how to write a movie and he's found some girl to get his toes curled. You're a monster!
- Joseph Turner White: You're too kind.