Catherine Keener credited as playing...
Maxine Lund
- Maxine: Let's have sex on his table and then make him eat an omelette off of it.
- John Malkovich: NO!
- [Craig regains control]
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): Shut up, you overrated piece of shit.
- Craig Schwartz: There's a tiny door in my office, Maxine. It's a portal and it takes you inside John Malkovich. You see the world through John Malkovich's eyes... and then after about 15 minutes, you're spit out... into a ditch on the side of the New Jersey Turnpike.
- Maxine: Sounds great! Who the fuck is John Malkovich?
- Craig Schwartz: Oh, he's an actor. He's one of the great American actors of the 20th century.
- Maxine: Oh yeah? What's he been in?
- Craig Schwartz: Lots of things. That jewel thief movie, for example. He's very well respected. Anyway, the point is... this is a very odd thing. It's supernatural, for lack of a better word. I mean, it raises all sorts of philosophical-type questions, you know... about the nature of self, about the existence of a soul. You know, am I me? Is Malkovich Malkovich? I had a piece of wood in my hand Maxine. I don't have it any more. Where is it? Did it disappear? How could that be? Is it still in Malkovich's head? I don't know! Do you see what a metaphysical can of worms this portal is? I don't see how I could go on living my life the way I've lived it before.
- [Maxine gestures toward a 7.5 story high window]
- Craig Schwartz: I've fallen in love, and this is what people who've fallen in love look like.
- Maxine: Well, you picked the unrequited variety. It's very bad for the skin.
- Craig Schwartz: If I can guess your name in three tries, you have to come have a drink with me tonight.
- Maxine: Why not?
- Craig Schwartz: Okay. You look like a... BarrrRuuu - BellllLuuuu - Lllll - Carolllll - Taaaa-Sharrr - - SusaaannnEmmmmilllly - - Marr - laaarr - Maax... ine - M-M-M - Maxine?
- Maxine: Yeah! Who told you?
- Craig Schwartz: Nobody told me. That just came out. Isn't that odd?
- Craig Schwartz (in John Malkovich): You see, Maxine, it isn't just playing with dolls.
- Maxine: You're right, my darling, it's so much more. It's playing with people!
- Craig Schwartz: I was thinking about what you were saying the other day, about the orientation film being bullshit.
- Maxine: Yes?
- Craig Schwartz: I think maybe you're on to something.
- Maxine: And fifty other lines to get into a girl's pants.
- [During sex]
- John Malkovich: Did you call me Lotte?
- Maxine: Yeah, do you mind?
- John Malkovich: No, not really.
- Maxine: Do you have any idea what it's like to have two people look at you, with total lust and devotion, through the same pair of eyes? Wow. Nah, I don't suppose you would. It's quite a thrill, Craigy!
- Craig Schwartz: I like you, I don't know what it is about you.
- Maxine: My tits?
- Craig Schwartz: No! No, no, no.
- Maxine: No?
- Craig Schwartz: It's your energy, your attitude, you know, the way you carry yourself.
- Maxine: You're not a fag, are you?
- Craig Schwartz: No, I am really attracted to you.
- Maxine: "No, I am really attracted to you", Christ, you are a fag. Okay, we can share recipes if you like, darling.
- Craig Schwartz: No, no, I love your tits, love 'em. I want to fuck you!
- Maxine: Great! Now we're gettin' somewhere. Not a chance.
- First J.M. Inc. Customer: Now when you say that I can be somebody else, whaddya mean exactly?
- Craig Schwartz: Well, we mean exactly that. We can put you inside someone else's body, for fifteen minutes.
- First J.M. Inc. Customer: Can I be anybody that I wanna be?
- Craig Schwartz: Well, you... actually...
- Maxine: You can be John Malkovich.
- First J.M. Inc. Customer: Perfect! It's... my... second choice, but it's wonderful. I'm a fat man. I'm sad and I...
- Maxine: Two hundred dollars.
- Maxine: You're not someone I could get interested in, Craig. You play with dolls.
- Craig Schwartz: Puppets, Maxine. You see, it's the idea of being inside someone else's skin and seeing what they see and feeling what they feel.
- Maxine: Yeechs!
- Maxine: Craig! I just - I don't find you attractive. And Lotte, I'm smitten with you. I am; but, only when you're in Malkovich. When I looked into his eyes last night, I could feel you peering out.
- Lotte Schwartz: Really?
- Maxine: Behind the stubble and the too prominent brow and the male pattern baldness, I sensed your feminine longing. And it just slew me.
- Craig Schwartz: Can I buy you a drink, Maxine?
- Maxine: Are you married?
- Craig Schwartz: Yes, but enough about me.
- Maxine: Tell me a little about yourself.
- Craig Schwartz: Well, I'm a puppeteer...
- Maxine: [turns to bartender] Check!