Norm MacDonald credited as playing...
Mitch
- Mitch: [to men who just raped him] You fellas have a lot of growing up to do, I'll tell you that. Ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. Can you believe these characters? Way out of line. Way out of line. Have a good mind to go to the warden about this. You know what hurts the most is the... the lack of respect. You know? That's what hurts the most. Except for the... Except for the other thing. That hurts the most. But the lack of respect hurts the second most.
- Bearded Lady: Hey, baby. You ever had a chick with a beard before?
- Mitch: Can't say that I have there, bearded broad.
- Bearded Lady: Well, then, sugar, you haven't lived.
- Mitch: Note to self: I don't want to live.
- Dr. Farthing: I know there's really nobody to blame for this but myself, well, I don't know, maybe the Buffalo Bills, the Boston Red Sox, or Mr. T or, or the Jets...
- Mitch: Wait a minute, Mr T.? Are you telling me that you bet on the fight in Rocky III, and that you bet against Rocky?
- Dr. Farthing: Hindsight is twenty-twenty, my friend.
- [last lines]
- Mitch: [voice-over] Oh, and Dr. Farthing. He got over his gambling problem, but the bookies beat him to death anyway. So, he's dead. That's it. Bye!
- Mitch: Hey, homeless guys!
- [Three homeless guys leaning outside Travis Cole's building look up listlessly at him]
- Mitch: I'll tell ya what. I'll give you a dollar each if you'll go into this building here and run around yellin' and screamin'.
- Homeless Guy: Uh, that's very nice, but I think what you probably need are, like, some psycho, out-of-control homeless guys?
- Homeless Guy: Yeah, we're more the broken, spiritless, I've-lost-the-will-to-live type homeless guys.
- Mitch: How about for two dollars?
- Mitch: Okay, settle down, prostitutes. Now, understand that you each get twenty dollars, and this requires no sex, no sex at all, regardless of what this character tells you.
- [motions to Sam]
- [Sam and Mitch have learned that they are half-brothers]
- Mitch: Hey, hey! Hey, you remember in 5th grade when I was under the monkey bars and I sneaked a peek at your sister's underwear? Remember that? Hey, no no! I was sneaking a peek at my *own* sister's underwear!
- Sam: That's right! Yeah, and then remember in the 12th grade, you had sex with her?
- Mitch: [short awkward silence] Okay, enough reminisicing.
- [at Mazetti's bar]
- Mitch: Yeah, well, things could be worse, you know. I could have got my nose bit off by a Saigon whore!
- [Jimmy slowly turns to face the camera and blows smoke from his cigarette, exposing his scarred nose]
- Jimmy: [shouts] You bastard!
- Mitch: Hey, I'm just messin' with you, Jimmy. I saw you down there. Hey, Mazetti, get Jimmy a beer on me.
- Jimmy: [laughs] Okay. It's all right.
- Pops: You didn't tell him, did you?
- Mitch: Oh, no, no.
- Pops: Thanks.
- Mitch: But look, I still want to, and I, I can't promise you that I won't.
- [Pops reaches forward. Mitch remembers when Pops grabbed his groin in a blackmail maneuvre earlier and lunges for the floor with a yell]
- Pops: I'm just getting my photo album! What are you so jumpy about?
- Mitch: I don't know. Maybe it's your, your lifelong pattern of random assault.
- Travis Cole: What are you doing? You're ruining Don Giovanni!
- Mitch: Don Giovanni? Who's that dude?
- Travis Cole: The opera! You're ruining the opera!
- Mitch: Oh, the opera. Yes, yes, we are ruining that.
- Mitch: Dr. Farthing, what happened to your arm?
- Dr. Farthing: Well, it was either from sleeping on it the wrong way or bookmakers throwing me out of a speeding car.