- Sheriff: Okay, now explain to me one more time how the rental car caught fire and exploded.
- Oscar Madison: He called me a shithead and punched the car, it went rolling down a cliff.
- Sheriff: Why did you punch the car?
- Felix Ungar: Because the shithead threw the directions out the window and left my suitcase at the rental car agency.
- Sheriff: Why did you throw the directions out the window?
- Oscar Madison: Because they caught fire from my cigar ashes and were burning on my crotch!
- Felix Ungar: The first time he's been hot down there for years.
- Oscar Madison: I just wanted you to know what it felt like down there...
- Sheriff: OK, boys, settle down. You two don't get along too well, do you?
- Oscar Madison: Oh, that's not true. There was a period of 17 years that was wonderful. Then unfortunately we saw each other again.
- Sheriff: And who did you say was getting married?
- Felix Ungar: My daughter and his son.
- [the Sheriff and all the deputies have to swallow a laugh]
- Felix Ungar: [waking up in the car] How long was I asleep?
- Oscar Madison: [driving] I don't know. I didn't know you wanted me to time it.
- Felix Ungar: Where's my suitcase?
- Oscar Madison: Your suitcase? In the trunk.
- Felix Ungar: No.
- Oscar Madison: No?
- Felix Ungar: No.
- Oscar Madison: Did you look good?
- Felix Ungar: [holds his arms apart] The trunk is this big. It takes about a second and a half to look in there. Your 1927 piece of cardboard is in there, but my suitcase isn't.
- Felix Ungar: What do the directions say?
- Oscar Madison: They're gone, I threw them out the window.
- Felix Ungar: [laughing] Oh, you threw them out the window... you threw them out the window? What the hell made you do a stupid thing like that?
- Oscar Madison: Well, I had them on my lap so I could read them. I lit my cigar, the hot ashes fell on my crotch, the map caught fire. I had the choice of either finding the house, or burning up one of the most important parts of my body. Guess which I picked?
- Oscar Madison: Don't get physical with me, Felix! I'm too old to hit, but I can spit you to death!
- Felix Ungar: In that suitcase was my black formal afternoon suit that I bought to wear when I'm giving my daughter away in marriage. And in that suitcase was a $6,000 Tiffany silver tray that I bought as a wedding present. Oh, and in that suitcase was $10,000 in cash that I was going to give to my son-in-law on his wedding day. Now, in your suitcase, the police are going to find your broken, smashed, mutilated, and dissected body in the event that you don't go back and find my fucking suitcase!
- Oscar Madison: Why don't we call Budget and ask them to deliver it?
- Felix Ungar: Deliver, deliver where? You've already crisscrossed California more than the covered wagons did a hundred years ago! What the hell are we gonna tell them, follow the burnt pieces of directions on the freeway?
- Felix Ungar: [Getting angry at Oscar] I want to know one thing: Why, when you get around me, you start to behave like a goddamn, imbecilic, idiotic, totally moronic shithead?
- Felix Ungar: Oscar, of all the fights that we've ever had, of all the arguments that we've ever had...
- Oscar Madison: We can continue talking because he's going to be on this for a half-hour.
- Felix Ungar: Of all the times that I've wanted to choke you by the throat, this is the worst! If you say "trifecta" one more time, I'm going to choke you until you are dead, and then that man can arrest me one more time for one more crime one more time in his office, AND HE'S GONNA HAVE A FOURFECTA! SO YOU SHUT THE FUCK UP, DO YOU HEAR ME?
- Oscar Madison: I think you can get a fourfecta in Cuba, but it's a cigar.
- Felix Ungar: Look, we have to have a plan, agreed?
- Oscar Madison: Agreed.
- Felix Ungar: Okay. What do you think the plan should be?
- Oscar Madison: I don't care. I agreed. I did my part.
- Oscar Madison: There are faster ways of delivery now. FedEx, UPS, fax...
- Felix Ungar: Oh, you're gonna fax me my suitcase?
- Sheriff: Why did you take his toupee?
- Felix Ungar: We didn't! A truck whizzed by and blew it off, huh?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah. I tried to get it back. A bird sat on it, I shooed him, and he flew away with the hairpiece.
- Sheriff: You shot him? You had a gun?
- Oscar Madison: No, no, not shot him, I shooed him. "Shoo, shoo!" Then a hunter shot him, the bird fell on top of the car, and the hairpiece fell on the windshield. I hope there's not gonna be a trial, because I'd hate to repeat that story in court.
- [Oscar finds Brucey hiding on the roof of the house]
- Oscar Madison: I hope you don't think I'm meddling, but are you coming to the wedding?
- Brucey Madison: I was thinking about it... I was thinking I'd be making a big mistake.
- Oscar Madison: Why is that?
- Brucey Madison: I don't trust marriage. If you look at everyone here. Look at my own family. Mom was married three times. You were married one time and then never again for 30 years. Hers were too many, yours were not enough. So what is wrong with it, that frightens everyone so much?
- Oscar Madison: I don't know, Brucey. It's like baseball. Either you can play or you can't play. Your mother could play, I couldn't play. Trouble with your mother is she kept getting traded all the time.
- Brucey Madison: That is not the answer I was looking for.
- Oscar Madison: Why did you wait to ask the question?
- Brucey Madison: Because it's what I thought I wanted. Now I know that it's not what I want.
- Oscar Madison: Are you sure?
- Brucey Madison: I'm sure.
- Oscar Madison: Then get out of it. Don't do it, Brucey.
- Brucey Madison: You mean it?
- Oscar Madison: Let me go and talk to the others. I'll figure something out to say.
- Felix Ungar: They've probably got poisonous spiders out here.
- Oscar Madison: Get out of here, what are they gonna live on? You think they're waiting around for two schmucks like us to show up?
- Oscar Madison: Was it San Marino?
- Felix Ungar: Not San Marino, maybe San Quentino.
- Oscar Madison: Not San Quentino, San Sorina.
- Felix Ungar: No not San Sorina.
- Oscar Madison: San Mateo. San Clemente. Roberto Clemente.
- Felix Ungar: Sancho Pancho. Pancho Gonzales.
- Oscar Madison: Ferrando Lamas, Ricardo Montalban.
- Felix Ungar: Ricky Ricardo!
- Felix Ungar: Los Pintos, Los Bresis, Los Picos. Sound familiar?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah they're hotels in Aucopoco.
- Felix Ungar: Ha ha! Look a car has to come from some direction. I'm gonna go stand on the other side of the road.
- Oscar Madison: So we can catch all the heavy traffic at five o'clock at Los Picos.
- Felix Ungar: Got a better idea, Los Idiot?
- Oscar Madison: OK, Felix, make out a timetable: when you're gonna eat, when you're gonna pee, when you're gonna fart, when you're gonna cry, and when you're gonna sleep, because that's the last time I'm pulling off the freeway, ya hear?
- Felix Ungar: Oh, and I suppose you never have to pee, huh?
- Oscar Madison: I do it for a half hour in the morning, then I'm through for the day.
- Felix Ungar: You got a lawyer?
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, in Florida. He's 92. It takes him six hours to walk to the telephone. Case will be over.
- [Felix and Oscar are sprayed by a crop duster]
- Felix Ungar: What the hell was that?
- Oscar Madison: They purposely did it. They hate New Yorkers.
- Felix Ungar: Who's going to pick us up now? We look like a couple of Pillsbury Doughboys.
- Oscar Madison: Well we'd better get out of the sun before we start to rise.
- Oscar Madison: It took us 2 hours to get here. It's gonna take us 5 hours to go back because I don't know how the hell we got here in the first place. Then we'd have to make three stops: one for you to pee, one for you to let locked in the john, one to pay a kid $5 to get out, and then we'd have to stop again for you to eat. Do you understand what I'm talking about?
- Peaches: I'm having a dinner party Friday night, we're short one man.
- Oscar Madison: How about Abe here, he's a short man.
- Peaches: You can run Oscar, but you can't hide! See ya.
- Oscar Madison: Oh, that's such an original expression. I hate a woman who talks like Muhammed Ali.
- [Felix dumps half a dozen different pills on the table]
- Oscar Madison: How do you know which ones to take?
- Felix Ungar: Doesn't make any difference. Whatever they fix, I got.
- Thelma: You know, Oscar, if I didn't know better, I'd say a nice old grandfather like you was trying to hit on a couple of ladies.
- Oscar Madison: I'm not as old as I look. I had this plastic surgery done recently, and the quack doctor botched it up.
- Holly: Your friend doesn't say much, does he?
- Oscar Madison: He's the doctor who botched it up.
- Oscar Madison: The wick is almost out, Felix. All I want is for the candle to glow one last time rather than curse the darkness.
- Felix Ungar: It's not going out, Oscar, not yours and not mine. But I still have hope that somewhere out there we'll find the right lamplighter.
- Oscar Madison: You know, we just used so many metaphors I forgot what the hell we were talking about.
- Brucey Madison: Pop! Dad... the thing is... I really love her.
- Oscar Madison: Sure you love her, now. You'll have two years of excitement and forty-five years of hell. Trust me.
- Brucey Madison: No, I will always love her. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
- Oscar Madison: Would you be willing to gamble your life on that? I know I haven't been there enough for you. But this is the best advice I'll give you: not getting married is the right thing to do.
- Brucey Madison: Maybe it's right for you, it's wrong for me! You tell everybody I'm getting dressed.
- Oscar Madison: Thank God you said that. I didn't know how long I could keep on talking like an asshole.
- Felix Ungar: Better pull off the freeway, Oscar, I have to eat. I have a low sugar condition, I have to eat every four hours.
- Oscar Madison: Why the hell didn't you eat when we were back at El Pollo Loco?
- Felix Ungar: Because it wasn't time to eat yet, it was time to pee. Sheesh!
- Oscar Madison: Hello there. What do you want?
- Little Boy: Five dollars.
- Oscar Madison: Why should I give you five dollars?
- Little Boy: Your friend said you would for telling you that he's locked in the bathroom.
- Oscar Madison: Tell me when it hurts.
- Felix Ungar: It hurts!
- Oscar Madison: I got an idea, don't tell me when it hurts cause it's gonna hurt anyway. Okay here we go, one, two three.
- Felix Ungar: [Slides into the car] Aaaaaahh! Ooh! Oh! Oh!
- Oscar Madison: I liked 'it hurts' better.
- Felix Ungar: What freeway are we supposed to be on?
- Oscar Madison: The 405.
- Felix Ungar: I think that sign back there said 101.
- Oscar Madison: If you didn't have the brains to pee back at the airport, how could you possibly read that sign?
- Felix Ungar: Reading and peeing are two different things!
- Oscar Madison: At your age you're lucky you can do either one.
- Oscar Madison: Don't you take them with water?
- Felix Ungar: The local water?
- [Very loudly]
- Felix Ungar: Don't you know how many pesticides there are in the local water?
- Oscar Madison: Lower your voice, will you? People in here don't know they're gonna be dead in a week.
- [In the middle of the desert]
- Oscar Madison: Look instead of complaining, why don't you look around for a telephone.
- Felix Ungar: What the hell makes you think there'd be a telephone anywhere out here? This is probably where they test those nuclear bombs.
- Oscar Madison: Well they would have to call somebody to find out if they went off wouldn't they?
- Brucey Madison: You thinking about moving out here, Pop?
- Oscar Madison: To where? Santa Yosinta-Malienta-Poliguenta? I'm not gonna learn another language just to find my way home at night.
- [in the desert]
- Oscar Madison: I think I figured out where we are.
- Felix Ungar: Where?
- Oscar Madison: In a Clint Eastwood movie.
- [the Sheriff has sent Oscar and Felix away for the third and final time]
- Sheriff: Andy, if those guys commit a triple-murder or rob a bank, just let them go.
- [Felix and Oscar are arrested and having to sit before the sheriff a second time around]
- Sheriff: So the man is dead, and you have his wallet, riding in an antique car that's worth over $150,000. How do you think this looks?
- Oscar Madison: To you it looks terrible. My mother, she wouldn't be all that upset.
- Felix Ungar: Look, we didn't murder him and we didn't rob him. Now, you believed us before, so why don't you believe us now?
- Sheriff: Because I didn't expect the two of you to keep bouncing back in here like a beachball.
- Oscar Madison: What does that make, three divorces now?
- Felix Ungar: Three divorces, two broken engagements and five women who disappeared on the first date - went to the ladies' room, never came back.
- Oscar Madison: I guess you had some bad luck with your personality.
- Felix Ungar: That may be, but I haven't given up, because somewhere out there, there is a right woman for me.
- Oscar Madison: Want me to stop the car and go and look?
- Felix Ungar: I wonder if I might change my seat into the nonsmoking section?
- Stewardess: Well, the entire plane is nonsmoking, sir. There's no one smoking on this aircraft.
- Felix Ungar: I understand, but possibly the attendants who cleaned the planes at the airport were smoking.
- Stewardess: Well, I'm sorry, sir, but the entire plane is full.
- Felix Ungar: See, it's not just the smoke. The woman next to me is wearing a perfume that I have a definite allergy to.
- Stewardess: I've already moved you once.
- Felix Ungar: That was because of hairspray. Now... I just happen to be one of those hypoallergenic cases. Can't you at least try?
- Stewardess: You mean sniff every woman on this plane until you find a perfume you're not allergic to?
- Oscar Madison: What's the matter, don't you look at a good ass anymore?
- Abe: I'm not allowed to look at Pastrami, why should I look at an ass?
- Wanda: He's like my third husband, he should rest in peace.
- Oscar Madison: How do you know he's dead? Maybe he's just bluffing.
- Oscar Madison: Felix, I haven't seen you in what, 8, 9 years?
- Felix Ungar: Seventeen! Seventeen years, Oscar, you couldn't remember that we haven't seen each other for seventeen years?
- Oscar Madison: To tell you the truth I didn't dwell on it. Alright, seventeen years, so your hair got whiter, your ears got bigger, your nose got longer, but you still retain that unique, elusive pain in the ass quality that drives me berserk.
- Felix Ungar: Oh really?
- Felix Ungar: Look at these shorts. I feel like I could be a cocktail waitress at a crap game.
- Oscar Madison: Yeah, if you wiggle your fanny right you can make double sixes.
- Thelma: Oscar, what are two wide-awake girls going to do with one hunky, funny guy?
- Oscar Madison: Why don't we all write a suggestion on a piece of paper?
- Oscar Madison: Blanche, would you stop pointing your finger at me and yelling. You got two other husbands here to do that with.
- [last lines]
- Oscar Madison: This is the biggest, goddamnest deja vu anybody has ever had. Can we please play cards here, for crying out loud?
- Felix Ungar: Maybe we can stop somewhere and get a pair of crutches.
- Oscar Madison: Yeah I'll keep my eye open for crutch stores, I'm sure there's a lot of them on the freeway.
- Felix Ungar: [in a wheelchair Oscar is pushing] We haven't even said hello yet and already I've got a sprained ankle. Let me know when we come to a bump.
- [They roll over a bump]
- Felix Ungar: Ow!
- Oscar Madison: That's one.
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