- Yzma: So, is everything ready for tonight?
- Kronk: Oh, yeah. I thought we'd start off with soup and a light salad, and then see how we feel after that.
- Yzma: Not the dinner. You know...
- Kronk: Oh, right. The poison. The poison for Kuzco, the poison chosen especially to kill Kuzco, Kuzco's poison. That poison?
- Yzma: Yes! That poison.
- Kronk: Got you covered.
- Yzma: Excellent. A few drops in his drink, and then I'll propose a toast, and he will be dead before dessert.
- Kronk: Which is a real shame, because it's gonna be delicious.
- [plotting ways to kill Kuzco]
- Yzma: Ah, how shall I do it? Oh, I know. I'll turn him into a flea, a harmless, little flea, and then I'll put that flea in a box, and then I'll put that box inside of another box, and then I'll mail that box to myself, and when it arrives...
- [laughs]
- Yzma: ...I'll smash it with a hammer! It's brilliant, brilliant, brilliant, I tell you! Genius, I say!
- [knocks over bottle of poison on flower, which shrivels up and dies]
- Yzma: Or, to save on postage, I'll just poison him with this!
- Kuzco: Okay, I admit it. Maybe I wasn't as nice as I should have been. But, Yzma, do you really want to kill me?
- Yzma: Just think of it as you're being let go, that your life's going in a different direction, that your body's part of a permanent outplacement.
- Kronk: Hey, that's kinda like what he said to you when you got fired.
- Yzma: I know. It's called a "cruel irony", like my dependence on you.
- Waitress: Ordering. Three pork combos, extra bacon on the side, two chili cheese samplers, a basket of liver and onion rings, a catch of the day, and a steak cut in the shape of a trout. You got all that, honey?
- Kronk: Three oinkers wearing pants, plate of hot air, basket of Grandma's breakfast and change the bull to a gill, got it.
- [Yzma and Kuzco never see each other. When one exits, the other enters]
- Yzma: Make me the special. And hold the gravy!
- Kronk: Check. Pickup!
- Kuzco: You know what? On second thought, make my omelette a meat pie.
- Kronk: Meat pie. Check.
- Yzma: Kronk! Can I order the potatoes as a side dish?
- Kronk: I'll have to charge you full price.
- Yzma: [annoyed] Ooh.
- Kuzco: Hey, how about a side of potatoes, my buddy?
- Kronk: You got it. Want cheese on those potatoes?
- Yzma: Thank you, Kronk. Cheddar will be fine.
- Kronk: Cheddar spuds coming up.
- Kuzco: Spuds yes, cheese no.
- Kronk: Hold the cheese.
- Yzma: No, I want the cheese.
- Kronk: Cheese it is.
- Kuzco: Cheese me no "likee."
- Kronk: Cheese out.
- Yzma: Cheese in!
- Kronk: Ah, come on. Make up your mind!
- Kuzco: Okay, okay, on second thought...
- Yzma, Kuzco: ...make my potatoes a salad.
- [Having accidentally turned Kuzco into a Llama instead of having him assassinated as planned]
- Yzma: Take him out of town and finish the job now!
- Kronk: What about dinner?
- Yzma: Kronk, this is kind of important.
- Kronk: How about dessert?
- Yzma: Well, I suppose there's time for dessert.
- Kronk: And coffee?
- Yzma: All right. A quick cup of coffee. THEN TAKE HIM OUT OF TOWN AND FINISH THE JOB!
- [Kronk's Shoulder Angel and Devil debate saving Kuzco]
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Listen up, big guy. I got three good reasons why you should just walk away. Number one. Look at that guy! He's got that sissy stringy music thing.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: We've been through this. It's a harp, and you know it.
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Oh, right. That's a harp, and that's a dress.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Robe!
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Reason number two. Look what I can do. Ha-ha, ha!
- [does one-armed handstand]
- Kronk: But what does that have to do with anything?
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: No, no. He's got a point.
- Kronk: Listen, you guys. You're sort of confusing me, so, uh, begone... or, uh, y'know, however I get rid of you guys.
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk's Shoulder Angel: That'll work.
- [Angel and devil disappear]
- Yzma: Looking for this?
- Yzma: [holds up the vial of human extract]
- [Kuzco and Pacha gasp]
- Kuzco: No! It can't be! How did you get back here before us?
- Yzma: Uh...
- [pauses]
- Yzma: ...how *did* we, Kronk?
- Kronk: Well, ya got me. By all accounts, it doesn't make sense.
- [Kronk holds up a map of the two parties' trails, showing Yzma's and Kronk's falling down a canyon halfway through]
- Yzma: Oh, well. Back to business.
- Yzma: Kronk! Why did I think you could do this? This one simple thing! It's like I'm talking to a monkey.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Whoa now!
- Yzma: A really, really big stupid monkey named Kronk!
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Ouch.
- Yzma: And do you want to know something else? I've never liked your spinach puffs!
- [Kronk, Shoulder Angel, and Shoulder Devil all simultaneously gasp]
- Yzma: Never!
- [Kronk begins to cry]
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: That's it.
- [cocks pitchfork like a gun]
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: She's goin' down.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Now, now, remember, guys. From above, the wicked shall receive their just reward.
- [they look up at the chandelier which is illuminated with heavenly light while angelic music plays]
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel, Kronk's Shoulder Devil, Kronk: That'll work.
- [Kronk cuts the rope to the chandelier, but it falls around Yzma, instead of on her]
- Kronk: Strange. That usually works.
- Yzma: And so does *this*!
- [pulls lever for trap door]
- Kronk: Ah. Should've seen that coming. Whoa!
- Kuzco: And let's not forget Yzma's right-hand man. Every decade or so she gets a new one. This year's model is called Kronk.
- [last lines]
- Kronk: My acorn is missing.
- Junior Chipmunk Class: Squeak, squeakin', squeak, squeakity.
- Kronk: Did you eat the acorn?
- Junior Chipmunk Class: Squeaker, squeak, squeak, squeakin'?
- Kronk: You owe me a new acorn.
- Junior Chipmunk Class: Squeak squeak squeak, squeak, squeaker...
- [one boy nudges Yzma]
- Yzma Kitty: [sulky] Squeakin'.
- Kronk: I'm so proud of you guys.
- Kuzco: Oh, and by the way, you're fired.
- Yzma: Fired? W-W-What do you mean, "fired"?
- [Kuzco snaps his finger and a servant comes in and writes down Yzma's "pink slip"]
- Kuzco: Um, how else can I say it? "You're being let go." "Your department's being downsized." "You're part of an outplacement." "We're going in a different direction." "We're not picking up your option." Take your pick. I got more.
- Kuzko: [after throwing a rock at Pacha's head, acting innocent] Huh? What? I didn't do anything. I didn't... Somebody's throwin' stuff. You gonna build a fire or what?
- [after getting hit in the head with a frying pan]
- Kuzco: You have a lovely wife. They're both very pretty.
- Kuzco: So, you lied to me.
- Pacha: I did?
- Kuzco: Yeah. You said when the sun hits this ridge just right, these hills sing. Well, pal, I was dragged all over those hills and I did not hear any singing.
- [takes Kuzcotopia]
- Kuzco: So, I'll be building my summer home on a more *magical* hill. Thank you.
- Pacha: Heh. Couldn't pull the wool over your eyes, huh?
- Kuzco: No, no, I'm sharp. I'm on it.
- [puts the model of Pacha's house back on the hilltop]
- Kuzco: Looks like you and your family are stuck on the tuneless hilltop forever, pal.
- [Kuzco and Pacha sit in silence]
- Pacha: You know, I'm pretty sure I heard some singing on the hill next to us. In case you're interested.
- Pacha: Why did I risk my life for a selfish brat like you? I was always taught that there was some good in everyone, but, oh, you proved me wrong.
- Kuzco: Oh, boo-hoo. Now I feel really bad. Bad llama.
- Pacha: I could've let you die out there in that jungle, and then all my problems would be over.
- Kuzco: Well, that makes you ugly *and* stupid.
- Pacha: Let's end this.
- Kuzco: Ladies first.
- Yzma Kitty: [having turned into a cat whilst trying to stop Kuzco from turning back into a human] Looking for this?
- [clutching her throat]
- Yzma Kitty: Is that my voice?
- [coughs]
- Yzma Kitty: Is that *my* voice? Oh, well.
- [Yzma is sleeping in a huge tent, while Kronk is in a tent so small it only covers his waist. Suddenly Kronk jerks awake]
- Kronk: The peasant, at the diner!
- [pause]
- Kronk: He didn't pay his check.
- [falls back asleep, but then jerks back up]
- Kronk: It's the peasant who I saw leaving the city who disappeared into the crowd with Kuzco in the back of his cart. He must have taken him back to his village, so if we find the village, we find him, and if we find him, we find Kuzco. Oh, yeah, it's all comin' together. Yzma!
- [runs into her tent]
- Yzma: What?
- [Yzma sits up with cold cream on her face and cucumbers on her eyes]
- Kronk: [recoiling] Aah!
- Yzma: This had better be good!
- [Yzma and Kronk are trapped in a dark locked room in Pacha's house]
- ChiCha: What do you mean the door's stuck? Try jiggling the handle.
- Yzma: There is no handle in here.
- ChiCha: [holding the door handle] There's not? Are you sure?
- Yzma: All right, I've had enough of this. Tell us where the talking llama is and we'll burn your house to the ground.
- Kronk: Er, don't you mean or?
- Yzma: [even more angrily] Grr, tell us where the talking llama is *or* we'll burn your house to the ground.
- Chaca: Well, which is it? That sounds like a pretty crucial conjunction.
- [the drink is poisoned]
- Yzma: Kronk, the emperor needs his... drink!
- Kronk: Right. Oh...
- [winks at Yzma]
- Kronk: ...riiiiiiggghhht.
- [goes to grab drink and realizes that he doesn't know which one it is; takes the drinks away to pour the poison again]
- Kuzco: Hey, Kronky, everything okay back there?
- Kronk: [mixing the drinks together before refilling all the cups] Oh, uh, the drinks were a bit on the, uh...
- [small explosion from each of the cups]
- Kronk: ...warm side. Hehe. Hey, did ya see that sky today? Talk about blue.
- Yzma: Yes, Kronk. Riveting. A toast, to the emperor! Long live Kuzco!
- Kronk: [to Yzma trying to make it sound like he's coughing] Don't drink the wine. Poison.
- Kuzco: [walking back to his palace, alone, in the jungle] Scary jungle. Right.
- [in mocking voice]
- Kuzco: Oh, a leaf! Oh, it might attack me. Oh, it's a scary tree! I'm afraid. Please. Never find my way? I'm the Emperor, and as such, I'm born with an innate sense of direction. Okay, where am I?
- [a fly buzzes nearby and gets caught in spiderweb]
- Bug in jungle: Help me! Help me!
- [Spider comes and eats the fly off-screen]
- Bug in jungle: Too late...
- Kuzco: Ok... that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen...
- Yzma: [about the potion they used on Kuzco] Let me see that vial.
- [the Death Label was actually that of a Llama folded up slightly, causing confusion]
- Yzma: This isn't poison. This is extract of... llama!
- Kronk: You know, in my defense, your poisons all look alike. You might think about relabeling some of them.
- Guard: For the last time, we did not order a giant trampoline.
- Delivery Person: You know what, pal, you could have told me that before I set it up.
- [Pacha has gotten himself and Kuzco tied to a dead tree branch]
- Kuzco: Maybe I'm just new to this whole rescuing thing, but this, to me, might be considered kind of a step backwards, wouldn't you say?
- Pacha: No, no, no. It's... It's okay. This is all right. We can figure this out.
- [the branch cracks]
- Kuzco: I hate you.
- [first lines]
- Kuzco: [Narrating] Will you take a look at that? Pretty pathetic, huh? Well, you'll never believe this, but that llama you're looking at was once a human being. And not just any human being. That guy was an emperor. A rich, powerful ball of charisma. Oh, yeah! This is his story. Well, actually, my story. That's right... I'm that llama. The name is Kuzco... Emperor Kuzco. I was the world's nicest guy and they ruined my life for no reason. Oh, is that hard to believe? Look, I'll tell you what. You go back a ways, you know, before I was a llama, and this will all make sense.
- [cut to Kuzco as an infant]
- Kuzco: All right, now see. That's a little too far back. Ooh! Look at me! That's me as a baby.
- [breaks doll and begins to cry, immediately, all nearby servants offer him replacement dolls]
- Kuzco: Ahem! All right, let's move ahead.
- Yzma: Kuzco is dead, right? Tell me Kuzco's dead. I need to hear these words.
- Kronk: [nervously] Uh, do you need to hear all those words exactly?
- Yzma: [angry] He's still *alive*?
- Kronk: Well, he's not as dead as we would have hoped.
- Yzma: Kronk!
- Kronk: Just thought I'd give you a heads-up in case Kuzco ever came back.
- Yzma: He can't come back!
- Kronk: Yeah, that would be kinda awkward, especially after that lovely eulogy.
- Yzma: You think? You and I are going out to find him. If he talks, we're through. Now let's move!
- Kuzco: Wait a minute. I remember you. I remember telling you that I was building my pool where your house was, and then you got mad at me. Oh! And you turned me into a llama!
- Pacha: What? No, I did not.
- Kuzco: Yes, and then you kidnapped me!
- Pacha: Why would I kidnap a llama?
- Kuzco: I have no idea. You're the criminal mastermind, not me.
- Pacha: What?
- Kuzco: You're right. That's giving you way too much credit.
- ChiCha: So, remind me again how you're related to Pacha?
- Yzma: Why, I'm his third cousin's brother's wife's step-niece's great aunt. Twice removed.
- ChiCha: Uh-huh.
- Yzma: Isn't that right, Kronk?
- [Kronk is playing jump rope with Chaca and Tipo]
- Chaca: Ninety-nine monkeys jumping on the bed.
- Kronk: One fell off and bumped his head.
- Yzma: Are you talking to that squirrel?
- Kronk: I was a junior chipmunk, uh, and I had to be versed in all the woodland creatures.
- [to squirrel]
- Kronk: Please continue.
- [squirrel talks to Kronk]
- Yzma: [walking away] Why me? Why me? Why me? Why...?
- Kronk: Hey, it doesn't always have to be about you. This poor little guy's had it rough. Seems a talking llama gave him a hard time the other day.
- [Yzma rushes over to them]
- Yzma: Oh, a talking llama? Do tell.
- [squirrel whispers to Kronk]
- Kronk: Uh, he doesn't really wanna talk to you.
- Yzma: Well, then *you* ask him.
- Kronk: [sigh] Hate being in the middle.
- Kronk: [speaking squirrel] Squeaky, uh, squeak, squeaker, squeakin'.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You're not just gonna let him die like that, are you?
- Kronk: My shoulder angel.
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: Don't listen to that guy. He's trying to lead you down the path of righteousness. I'm gonna lead you down the path that *rocks*.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: Oh, come off it.
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: *You* come off it.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You.
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You.
- Kronk's Shoulder Angel: You.
- Kronk's Shoulder Devil: You infinity.
- [Shoulder Angel grrs]