- Kyle: We're guys, dude. We find something about all our friends to rip on. We made fun of you for being rich for the same reason we rip on Butters for being wimpy.
- Stan: And we rip on Kyle for being a Jew.
- Kyle: And Stan for being in love with Wendy. And Cartman for being fat. And Cartman for being stupid. And Cartman for having a whore for a mom. And Cartman for being a sadistic asshole.
- Cartman: Hey. You did me already.
- Man #1: [after a crowd tramples Kenny] Oh my God, I found a penny.
- Man #2: You bastard.
- Eric Cartman: I'm not fat, I just haven't grown into my body yet you skinny bitch.
- Mr. Garrison: Eric. If you call Wendy a bitch one more time I'm sending you to the principal's office.
- [beat]
- Eric Cartman: Bitch.
- Mr. Garrison: That's it Eric, you...
- Eric Cartman: I'm going.
- Stan: Jimmy, will you go talk to Wendy for me?
- Jimmy: F-F-for wh-what?
- Stan: Just go talk to her, and be poetic. Tell her she's my muse. No, tell her... tell her... she's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
- Jimmy: She's what?
- Stan: She's a continuing source of inspiration to me.
- Jimmy: Okay. Hey, W- Hey, Wendy.
- Wendy: Yeah?
- Jimmy: Stan says you're a cont... you're a cont... Stan says you're a cont- cont...
- [sounds like "cunt"]
- Wendy: Well, tell Stan to fuck off!
- [walks away]
- Jimmy: [continues] ... cont... You're a continuing source of inspiration to him.
- Stan: We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch.
- Mrs. Crabtree: [shouting] What did you say?
- Stan: I said, "We're not getting on, you fat ugly bitch."
- Mrs. Crabtree: Oh.
- Kyle: Whoa, dude.
- Stan: I always wondered if that would work.
- Priest Maxi: Boys, I haven't seen you in church lately.
- Kyle: Well, I'm Jewish.
- Priest Maxi: You're not too Jewish to worship Jesus, are you?
- Kyle: I guess not.
- Cartman: Naw dude, independent films are those black and white hippy movies. They're always about gay cowboys eating pudding.
- Newscaster Ned: If irony was made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.
- MTV announcer: You're watching MTV, the cool, brainwashing, 12-year-old-and-younger station that hides behind a slick image. We're so cool that we decide what's cool. And now MTV News. The News that is single-handedly dumbing-down our country, which is cool.
- Fat Abbot: Hey! Hey! Hey! What's goin' on Rudy?
- Rudy: Man, Fat Abbot, you need to lose weight!
- Fat Abbot: I lose weight when I feel like it, bitch! Shut your bitch-ass mouth, ho!
- Rudy: Bitch, I'll kick yo' ass!
- Fat Abbot: You think you slick, you punk ass blasphemous dope fiend bitch! I had my jimmy whacked 7 times last week, I'll bust a cap in your mother fuckin' ass.
- Leopold 'Butters' Stotch: [Butters is holding a Barbie doll] "Hey there, Butters, wanna slap my titties around?" Uh, no thanks, ma'am. I might get in trouble again.
- [he puts the doll away and begins whistling]
- [gay and straight protesters get a hearing from the Governor of South Park on gay marriage]
- Governor: I believe that I might have come up with a compromise to this whole problem that will make everyone happy! People in the gay community want the same rights as married couples, but dissenters don't want the word "marriage" corrupted. So how about we let gay people get married, but call it something else?
- [everyone listens quietly]
- Governor: You homosexuals will have all the exact same rights as married couples, but, instead of referring to you as "married", you can be... butt buddies.
- [long silence]
- Governor: Instead of being "man and wife", you'll be... butt buddies. You won't be "betrothed", you'll be...
- [makes quote with his fingers]
- Governor: ... butt buddies. Get it? Instead of a "bride and groom", you'd be...
- [makes quote with his fingers again]
- Governor: ... butt buddies.
- Mr. Slave: We wanna be treated equally!
- Governor: You *are* equal. It's just that, instead of getting engaged, you would be... butt buddies. And everyone is happy!
- Woman: [from the lesbian crowd] Well, what about lesbians?
- Governor: Well, like anyone cares about fuckin' dykes!
- [the crowd goes into an uproar]
- Governor: [embarrassed] Oh, God, I was sure that would work.
- KKK Leader: White power! White power!
- Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] White power!
- [as Mr. Garrison]
- Mr. Garrison: Oh, I'm sorry, Chef, Mr. Hat is a racist son of a bitch.
- [as Mr. Hat]
- Mr. Garrison: Don't apologize for me to that spear chucker.
- [as Mr. Garrison; gasps]
- Mr. Garrison: Mr. Hat!
- [runs]
- Mr. Garrison: Aaah!
- Chef: James Taylor, what the hell are you doing singing about prostitutes to these children? Get outta here!
- Mrs. Marsh: Hello, Mrs. Brovlowski, this is Stan's mom. I was wondering if you might know why my son is trying to split his head open with an ice pick.
- Stan: Aaaah. I have to get it out.
- Cartman: Well God, I guess you got me again, didn't you? Yeah, that was a good one, God. Hope it made you laugh, you sick bastard.
- Cartman: Oh, look what I did with Kyle's money. I had it changed into singles so I could roll around in it like this. Oh, Kyle's money.
- Kyle: All animals kill, and the animals that don't kill are stupid ones like cows and turtles and stuff.
- Cartman: The rest of you go get the goods on Stan. His mom grounded him once for setting something on fire. Let's find out what that something was and then lie and say it was a puppy.