- Kyle: OH MY GOD! They've killed Kenny!
- [after Cartman makes a remark about Jews]
- Kyle: Don't you oppress me, fat boy!
- Cartman: Don't call me fat, buttfucker!
- Kyle: Then don't belittle my people you fuckin' fatass!
- Cartman: GODDAMMIT, DON'T CALL ME FAT, YOU BUTTFUCKING SONOFABITCH!
- Cartman: I say we help Santa Claus.
- Kyle: Your just saying that because he brings you candy.
- Cartman: Hey I don't have to take that kind of shit from a Jew.
- Kyle: Your such a fat fuck Cartman that when you walk down the street people go god damnit that kids a big fat fuck.
- Jesus: Tomorrow is my birthday, yet all is not right.
- Stan: Your birthday is on Christmas? That sucks, dude!
- Stan: Yeah. And you know? I think I learned something today, it doesn't matter if you're Christian or Jewish or Atheist or Hindu. Christmas still is about one very important thing.
- Cartman: Yeah, ham.
- Stan: No not ham, you fat fuck!
- Cartman: Fuck you!
- Stan: Christmas is about something much more important.
- Kyle: What?
- Stan: Presents.
- Kyle: Ah.
- Stan: Don't you see, Kyle? Presents.
- Santa: Ho, ho ho! We meet again, Jesus!
- Jesus: You have blemished the meaning of Christmas for the last time, Kringle!
- Santa: I bring happiness and love to children all over the world!
- Jesus: Christmas is for celebrating my birth!
- Santa: Christmas is for giving!
- Jesus: I'm here to put an end to your blasphemy!
- Santa: This time we finish it! There can be only one!
- Stan: Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here.
- Stan: Dude, we've got to think, here! What would Brian Boitano do?
- Brian Boitano: Did someone say my name?
- Stan: Hey look, it's Brian Boitano!
- Kyle: What incredible irony!
- Jesus: Behold my glory!
- Stan: Holy shit! It's Jesus!
- Jesus: I come seeking retribution!
- Stan: He's come to kill you 'cause you're Jewish, Kyle!
- Kyle: Oh, FUCK! I'm sorry Jesus, don't kill me!
- Jesus: Nay, fear not, I love all my children!
- Kyle: Whew!
- Cartman: Hey! Goddamnit, you stepped on my foot, you pig-fucker!
- Stan: Dude, don't say "pig-fucker" in front of Jesus!
- Brian Boitano: What's going on, kids?
- Stan: Okay, Brian? Who would you help in a fight, Jesus or Santa Claus?
- Brian Boitano: Kids... you shouldn't think of things like that. This is the one time of year in which we all try to get along, no matter what we believe in. This is the season just to be good to each other. Bye-eee!