- Doreen: Tell us who ye've been seein'.
- Boab Snr: Dolly Parton.
- Doreen: I can't hear ye.
- Boab Snr: Dolly Parton!
- Doreen: That fuckin' slut? I knew it. Who else?
- Boab Snr: Anna Ford... and that Madonna, but just the once.
- Doreen: Scumbag. Bastard. Ya dirty fuckin' prick! You know what this means...
- Boab Snr: No, no, Doreen... not the shite. I can't eat your shite.
- Doreen: I'm gonna shite in your mouth. It's what we both want. Don't deny it.
- Boab Snr: Shite in my mouth!
- God: You fucked this one up, ya daft cunt.
- Boab: Eh? What?
- God: You. Bob Coyle. No house, no job, no bird, no mates, police record, sore ribs - all in the space of a few hours. Nice one.
- Boab: How the fuck do you know my business, eh? What the fuck's it got to do with you, eh?
- God: It's my fuckin' business to know. I'm God.
- Boab: Away to fuck, ya old radge.
- God: Fuckin' hell... another wise cunt.
- Boab: I've had a fuckin' hard time, and now I've just met God. The cunt's gonna turn us into an insect.
- Catriona: [Larry is beating Jonny] Blooter that bastard! Kill the fuckin' cunt! Ya fuckin' knob! He's got our fuckin' electricity! He's got ma fuckin' bairn! Go back to your ma! Lick your ma's fuckin' piss-flaps, ya fuckin' cunt!
- Sgt. Morrison: So, what's been happening tonight, Brian?
- PC Cochrane: Well, there's the rapist, the guy that stabbed the boy in the shopping centre, and this comedian down here.
- Sgt. Morrison: Well, I've had a wee word with our rapist. Seems a nice enough young fellow. Tells us the whore was askin' for it. It's the way of the world, Brian. As for the guy that stabbed the boy - well, silly wee bugger, but... boys will be boys. What's the story with this tube-steak?
- PC Cochrane: Caught him smashing up a telephone box.
- Sgt. Morrison: [disgusted] Tsk tsk.
- Rory: Awww, the wee Tom-Tom. Goo goo, ga ga.
- Colin 'Coco' Bryce: Shut your fuckin' mouth, you, ya specky git.
- Colin 'Coco' Bryce: [about to be breast-fed] Phwoar, ya dirty cunt, ye. You've got some set a' jugs on ye, right enough, doll. Business gear.
- Jenny: [Coco, as a baby, has just spoken] You spoke, Tom.
- Colin 'Coco' Bryce: Aye, I did. Look, sit doon. I mean sit down. Fuck... eh? You'd better not say nowt to no cunt about this, right?
- Colin 'Coco' Bryce: I'm gettin' a wee bit hungry, though, eh.
- Jenny: Oh, I'll take you home and make you something.
- Colin 'Coco' Bryce: Eh, I was thinkin' a wee bit more of the... tit.
- Rory: Just keep breathing. We don't need the whole nitrous oxide thing. It just makes the womb easy, it does nothing for babies. Just another example of patriarchal social control.