- Edmund Blackadder: Sire, this is a matter of life and death!
- King Charles I: Nonsense Blackadder, I don't think there is a jury in England that would bring in a verdict of guilty against me.
- [knocking, a guard enters]
- Guard: Your majesty, the verdict of the jury.
- [hands Blackadder a document and exits]
- King Charles I: So, what does it say? Guilty or not guilty?
- Edmund Blackadder: [reads the document] I'll give you two guesses.
- King Charles I: Not guilty.
- Edmund Blackadder: One more guess.
- Baldrick: I have a cunning plan to save the king.
- Edmund Blackadder: Ha! Well forgive me if a don't do a cartwheel of joy; your family's history in the department of cunning planning is about as impressive as Stumpy O'Leg McNolegs' personal best in the Market Harborough marathon.
- Edmund Blackadder: Baldrick, your brain is like the four-headed, man-eating haddock fish-beast of Aberdeen.
- Baldrick: In what way?
- Edmund Blackadder: It doesn't exist.
- Edmund Blackadder: We will enter a hideous age of Puritanism. They'll close all the theaters... lace handkerchiefs for men will be illegal... and I won't be able to find a friendly face to sit on this side of Boulogne!
- Edmund Blackadder: Oh damn! One measly civil war in the entire history of England and I'm on the wrong bloody side!
- Edmund Blackadder: [to Baldrick] I am a busy man and I can't be bothered to punch you at the moment: here is my fist, kindly run towards it as fast as you can.
- [a man concealed in a brown robe reveals himself]
- King Charles I: Blackadder, you're disguised as a priest! How dangerously stupid and perverted. It's just like school!
- Edmund Blackadder: They've had hundreds of volunteers to cut Cromwell's head off, he's such an ugly devil. He's got so many warts on his face, it's only when he sneezes that you find out which one is his nose.
- King Charles I: Ah, Mr. Cromwell, sir. How delightful to meet you. Have you come far?
- Oliver Cromwell: I have, sir! From country squire, to Lord Protector of England.
- King Charles I: Fascinating! Absolutely fascinating. Tell me, what exactly does a Lord Protector do?
- Oliver Cromwell: In your case, sir? He spells your doom!
- King Charles I: Spells my doom? Wonderful! That's particularly exciting, because so many people these days don't know how to spell at all.
- Edmund Blackadder: The Earl he had a thousand sovereigns, hey-nonny-no / He gave them all to the man with the ax-oh...