- Edward Hitler: Right, so your philosophy is... bollocks?
- Richard Richard: Yes!
- Edward Hitler: Well that's a great view on life isn't it?
- Richard Richard: Oh who cares about views on life, I thought we were talking philosophy?
- Edward Hitler: But your philosophy is bollocks
- Richard Richard: So let's talk bollocks!
- Edward Hitler: BUT THAT'S ALL WE EVER DO!
- Richard Richard: So let's do what we always do!
- Edward Hitler: Oh god, and so it goes on, day after day, year in year out, slime in this ear, slime in that ear, don't you ever yearn for change?
- [huge applause from the audience]
- Edward Hitler: Alan Rickman eat your heart out!
- [to Richie]
- Edward Hitler: And cue
- Richard Richard: [Looks at the audience who seems to have taken Eddie's side] Right. Wanna give me the feedline again in front of all your friends?
- Edward Hitler: [Laughs to himself] Yea, sorry. I... I forgot to mention I was actually born in Southampton! It's my only home!
- [another huge applause]
- Richard Richard: Oh Eddie Eddie Eddie you were born in Southampton? Wow! Why did you ever leave?
- Edward Hitler: That was a bit below the belt
- [thinks of a comeback]
- Edward Hitler: Because... I found the railway station!
- [another HUGE applause]
- Richard Richard: [to the audience] Stop fucking clapping!
- [imitates them]
- Richard Richard: Bastards!
- [to someone in the audience]
- Richard Richard: Especially you! You oughtta fucking jump!
- Edward Hitler: That's no way to speak to my mother
- [to the audeince]
- Edward Hitler: Sorry mum
- Richard Richard: Eddie, did you get the Sundays?
- Edward Hitler: Phwoar! You know I think I did! I dropped a floater this morning, it looked like it come straight from a Canadian logging camp! I tell ya, when that gets out into the channel it's going to be a danger to shipping!
- Richard Richard: [Disgusted] Nice to know, Eddie and jolly interesting information, but, what I really meant was did you get the Sunday papers?
- Edward Hitler: No.
- Richard Richard: Oh, never mind, I'll go scrap them off the mat.
- [holds up his half of Special K]
- Richard Richard: And don't touch my brick while I'm gone.
- [Eddie reacts]
- Richard Richard: I said "Brick"! Not penis!
- Richard Richard: Eddie I have decided to kill myself because I'm so heavily in debt!
- Edward Hitler: Fucking Hell! A line from the play!
- [Punches Rik playfully on the arm, Rik slides off his chair and sits in the floor, dejectedly]
- Richard Richard: [to audience] Just shut up and watch the play, alright?
- [to Eddie]
- Richard Richard: YOU leave me alone or we're never going to get out of South-Fucking-Hampton!
- Edward Hitler: Richie, no! I told you to never sniff the milk, you crazy, mad fool!
- [slaps Richie at each cheek repeatedly until he comes conscious]
- Edward Hitler: Oh good!
- [to audience]
- Edward Hitler: He's coming round!
- [punches Richie repeatedly]
- Richard Richard: Where am I?
- Edward Hitler: It's alright, you're safe at home with me!
- Richard Richard: Oh, fuck, give me the milk!
- Edward Hitler: No! It's too dangerous!
- [snatches milk bottle from Richie's hands]
- Edward Hitler: JUST SAY NO!
- Richard Richard: But I love being unconscious!
- Edward Hitler: Very well.
- [punches Richie]
- Edward Hitler: Come on, admit it, me old mucker! You've gone and accidentally Superglued a Sex Doll to your privates, haven't you?
- Richard Richard: Prove it!
- Edward Hitler: Ta-da!
- Richard Richard: [after an incident involving a blow-up doll named Monica and some superglue, Richard has, apparently, lost his penis] Ah, Monica. You were the first, and you'll be the last. You took my cherry... right off!
- Richard Richard: Eddie, have you got the pump?
- Edward Hitler: It's just the way I'm standing.
- Richard Richard: No, it's not a euphemism. God, on and on it goes. It's no double entendre, it's just a straight question. Have you got the pump?
- Edward Hitler: [Thinks carefully] No. The only pump we've got is that big electric one, that Gusty O'Windflap had installed, when he was rehearsing his adult variety act. The Human Balloon.
- Richard Richard: Gusty O'Windflap. Whatever happened to him?
- Edward Hitler: He was spread over four counties, remember? When the nozzle got accidentally lodge in his rectum.
- Richard Richard: So he was, so he was! What dreadfully sad thing to happen to anyone. How we laughed! He was a one off.
- Edward Hitler: I've heard of being blown off but that took some beating! They had to close the high street!
- Richard Richard: You remember? Gusty, Gusty, Gusty, Gusty.
- [Happy sigh]
- Richard Richard: Oh who gives a fuck about him, the cunt's dead anyway.