When you set a very low standard for yourself, that doesn't mean you will automatically reach or surpass it. Such is the case with I AM ALWAYS READY, a zero effort porn exercise from Carlos Tobalina/aka Troy Benny, in which a single in-joke is stretched to excruciating 74 minutes duration.
Stupid gag is that Fernando Fortes, Carlos's mini-me or perhaps Guillermo to his Jimmy Kimmel, is horny and whether by design (when he was Peter Principled into the leading role of COME UNDER MY SPELL) or accident, he is wont to join in on the XXX humping before the camera. Only Jake Jacobs aka Jay Crew in mainstream porn fits this dubious hyphenate category.
Most of the dialog and action is reported in inter-titles, just as was done during the Silent Era of cinema, or more appropriate to the content here, for ancient silent stag films. Like much of Tobalina's work, this feature resembles a stag film though is less entertaining or stimulating.
Supposedly a matronly Ronnie Ross is directing pornography, with FF as her trusty cameraman. This permits the real director CT to sloppily included clapper-boards on screen, have Ronnie pretend to be telling performers what to do, and other devices which owe less to Berthold Brecht and more to Andy Warhol. A second camera is often shooting the movie, as FF's on-screen camera may just be a prop. Either way, Carlos's primitive cinematic technique emphasizes master shots and poor framing as usual.
One sequence with Frisco talent is a bit tongue-in-cheek as familiar face (and cock) Ken Scudder identifies himself in a supposed interview with Ronnie as Karl Johnasson AKA Peter Locke. Peter Locke was a big-time film and TV producer who also made porn and is notable for his early work with Wes Craven, so this is perhaps an in-joke on him. More coincidence than in-joke is Mike Horner appearing using the stage name Roy Clarki Jr., no relation to the country music star.
Film is so pointless it verges at times on cryptic. Ronnie sits in her director's canvas chair with "Mercedes-Benz" emblazoned on the back of her blouse - perhaps in a parallel world she could be up for directing Vin Diesel Jr. in FURIOUS DRIFT #43. Of the cast a loops superstar is saddled, almost alone, with her correct name credit Connie Pefersen; so is Tobalina regular John Holmes, humping for a few bucks and top billing on the marquee.
Other porn stars in need of a paycheck pop up in a worthless orgy, including Paul Thomas who gets one line in edgewise on the soundtrack. Most of the film is shot MOS.
My least favorite sequence, among many contenders, is an orgy where a guy dressed with a brown paper bag over his head (with holes to permit cunnilingus) looking just like The Unknown Comic is trying to hump Connie, when Fernando jumps into the fray to replace him and deliver a feeble cum shot. I'm guessing it was Carlos himself in the bag.
Like a broken record (and I unfortunately own many of them in my 78rpm jazz collection) I once again suggest this Troy Benny movie and all its surviving artifacts whether VHS or DVD, be sent to reside in a landfill.
