- [reading patients' comment cards in the family-planning clinic]
- Mickie Hendrie: [smirking] We've got some really good comments.
- Donna Jackson: "I never knew you could get free condoms here. Now I won't have to re-use my old ones." How gross is that?
- Zubin Khan: For the first time ever, the NHS has more managers than beds. Did you know that?
- Helen Grant: Your point?
- Zubin Khan: I've got a rather revolutionary idea. You can take it to your next Trust meeting if you like. Get the managers down on all-fours, throw blankets over them - and hey presto!
- Ric Griffin: [to Helen Grant] People management. Not really your forté, is it?
- Connie Beauchamp: Do you get altitude sickness?
- Will Curtis: What?
- Connie Beauchamp: From your moral high ground.
- [Will and Mubbs are carrying out an operation that Connie has specifically ordered them not to carry out]
- Will Curtis: We need to get through this as quickly as possible - every minute on the table is putting an extra strain on her heart.
- Mubbs Hussein: It's not something I can rush. If I deliver too much fluid or too quickly it may cause the placenta to detach.
- Will Curtis: It's Connie detaching my testicles that I'm concerned about.
- Zubin Khan: Mrs Beauchamp, I have to admit that you have the leadership skills of an eight-year-old with a Kalashnikov.
- [gossiping about Connie]
- Lisa Fox: Her husband's just been made chairman of the board.
- Donna Jackson: Husband? I thought they just plugged her into the mains at the end of each day.
- [to Matt who has just terrified a patient by using lots of incomprehensible medical terms when she asked "What's wrong with me"]
- Zubin Khan: Next time you go anywhere near a reference book, look up the term "layman".
- [to Matt, after a patient has disappeared from her bed to give herself a fix of morphine]
- Lola Griffin: Matthew... Ever played Hunt-the-Patient?
- Lola Griffin: As my grandma used to say, "If you look for a peck of trouble, don't gripe when you find a bushel."
- Ric Griffin: [sarcastically] As ever, your grandma's wisdom astounds me.
- Lola Griffin: As Grandma used to say, "All mouth and no trousers makes Jack a dull boy".
- Ric Griffin: Is it possible your grandma was a little confused?
- Connie Beauchamp: And if you ever speak to me like that again, I'll make sure the closest theatre you get to is a box office.
- Dan Clifford: Oh, Percy, could I have a word?
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: I'm very busy.
- Dan Clifford: Uh, it's rather pressing.
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: My tummy's very rumbly.
- [Dan closes the door to Abra's office]
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: So? What now? Are you going to take me roughly over the desk?
- Dan Clifford: You do the stent trial, I give you Keller theatre at night.
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: [feigns ignorance] I really have no idea what you're talking about.
- Dan Clifford: [smirks] Ric tends to leave things lying around in the office... files.
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: All this over a stent trial? Seems a little OTT.
- Dan Clifford: [sighs] Connie's sulking. We got into a bit of a penis-measuring contest which, naturally, she lost, and so she won't play ball. So I need your help.
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: So this won't make me especially popular with Connie?
- Dan Clifford: Whereas an unauthorised operation in her theatre would? And does she like you especially, anyway?
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: Not apart from sexually.
- Dan Clifford: She'd be a lot rougher than I would.
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: [laughs]
- Dan Clifford: So? Is that "yes"?
- Percy 'Abra' Durant: What's a hospital like ours without a little research and development?
- Dan Clifford: Excellent.
- Schizophrenic: I pity you, not having feelings.