- [after eating dog food]
- André le Pate: I am eating this very good meats and vegetables in a very fine sauce... I will shit easy tomorrow.
- Count Thibault: I am already wealthy. I own hundreds of horses and bags of pepper, four hundred backs of wool, and fifty barrels of Spanish olives.
- Andre: And you own me, Sire.
- Count Thibault: Yes. But you have no value.
- Andre: [pause] That is true.
- Count Thibault: Run behind the chariot, peasant!
- Hunter: Yes, master!
- André le Pate: He can't run behind the car!
- Count Thibault: He cannot ride with us; he is not noble.
- Julia: Yes, but he has to ride in the car.
- Count Thibault: He is very fast!
- Hunter: We-we're taking the freeway; you can run seventy miles an hour, can you?
- André le Pate: I have good boots!
- André le Pate: [as the Count is bathing, Andre takes a bottle of Chanel and drinks some, handing it to the count] Ah! Very good flavour!
- Count Thibault: [he drinks some, then promptly spits it out] Blah! This is not wine, ignorant peasant! It is oil for the bath!
- André le Pate: [as they are dining, he whispers] Sire?
- Count Thibault: What?
- André le Pate: [whispers] I have to make pee-pee.
- Count Thibault: [aloud] Ah, you have to pee! *Outside*!
- André le Pate: But sire... the wolves! I could be eaten!
- Count Thibault: Find a torch! Idiot.
- Maitre D': [he is brandishing a raw chicken which Andre has stolen from the kitchens, skewered with an umbrella and tried to roast in the fireplace] I'm afraid I'm going to have add an order of "Chicken à la Umbrella" to your bill.
- Hunter: Do you realize the bath you just took cost over two thousand dollars? That's American dollars!
- Count Thibault: Is that a lot?
- Hunter: Yes, yes it is.
- Count Thibault: Then I will repay you with one of my swines.
- [after the wizard's apartment explodes]
- Count Thibault: Damn English Wizards. Can't do anything right.
- Count Thibault: [explaining his perplexion with the light-switch] I do not have this invention in my castle.
- Julia: You don't have power?
- Count Thibault: I have the power to judge and condemn to death any villain on my land.
- Julia: [nonplussed] Oh, really? Hunter will be so jealous.
- Narrator: You could tell from the petulant arch on his furrowed brow that he was not in route to a good deed.
- Hunter: [he notices André's table manners] Actually, the floor wasn't such a bad place for him. Easier to hose down.
- Maitre D': [at a fancy restaurant, Thibault throws bones from his plate to Andre, who is eating from the floor] Excuse me, but the gentleman can't eat off the floor.
- Count Thibault: He's not a gentleman! He is my servant
- [throws another bone]
- Count Thibault: and he is not worthy of our company.