Seth MacFarlane credited as playing...
Peter Griffin • Stewie Griffin • Brian Griffin • Glenn Quagmire • Tom Tucker • Dr. Elmer Hartman • Carter Pewterschmidt • Captain Seamus • God • Announcer • Seamus • Jake Tucker • Kool-Aid Guy • Old Man • Bill Clinton • Jesus Christ • Santa Claus • Vern • Cookie Monster • Driver • Ida Davis • Jasper • Man • Marty McFly • TV Announcer • Captain • Co-Worker • Doctor • Kermit the Frog • Kevin Swanson • Pilot • Roger the Alien • Stan Smith • Superman • Aquaman • Brian Griffin as Chewbacca • Cowardly Lion • Dick Cheney • Dog • Effeminate Cow • George Washington • Glenn Quagmire as C-3PO • Johnson • Mr. Berler • Officer • Peter Griffin as Han Solo • Police Officer • Quagmire • Shelley Boothbishop • Stewie Griffin as Darth Vader • Waiter • William Shatner • Additional Voices • Airplane Passenger • Archie Bunker • Audience Member • Bamm-Bamm Rubble • Bartender • Ben Affleck • Benjamin Franklin • Big Bird • Bill Cosby • British Announcer • British Man • Businessman • Carney • Carter Pewterschmidt as Emperor Palpatine • Charlie • Chinese Man • Cop • Customer • Dan Quagmire • Dick • Doc Brown • Don Knotts • E.T. • Elroy Jetson • Ernie • Father • Fozzie Bear • Game Show Host • George Jetson • George Takei • George W. Bush • Greg • Hitler • Horse • Ida Quagmire • Italian #2 • Jafar • Jay Leno • Jerry • Judge • Kevin • Leprechaun • Manager • Mike Tyson • Mr. Furley • Mr. Sulu • Narrator • Nate Griffin • Neil Armstrong • Obi-Wan Kenobi • Osama Bin Laden • Paddy Tanniger • Phil • Phineas • Piano Boy • Pope • Prisoner #2 • Rabbit • Ralph Kramden • Ringo Starr • Robber #1 • Ronald Reagan • Rooster • Scientist #1 • Security Guard • Sheriff • Sloth • Steve Allen • Ted Turner • The Count • Thomas Edison • Tom Hanks • Trevor • Vincent Van Gogh • Voiceover • Walt Disney • Warden • Wile E. Coyote • Wilford Brimley • Woody Allen • 50s Customer • A Live Ostrich • A Professional Man • ATM Cashier • Aaron Sorkin • Abraham Lincoln • Adam Sandler • Adolf Hitler • Adrien Beaky • Agent Harris • Airplane Pilot • Airport Manager • Al Gore • Al Michaels • Albania President • Albert Einstein • Alf • Alligator Rally Leader • Amish Man • An Onlooker • Andy Dufresne • Angel • Angry Fan • Angry Handicapped Vietnamese Guy • Angus Griffin • Animal • Antonio Monatti • Anus • Ape • Arab #2 • Arab Dad • Arabic Passenger • Armstrong Manager • Arnold Schwarzenegger • Art Museum Manager • Artist • Asian Man • Asian Manager • Asian Santa • Attendee • Auctioneer • Audience Member #3 • Bachelor #3 • Bachelorette Executive #2 • Bandit • Barack Obama • Barnaby • Barney Frank • Barney Rubble • Bartender #2 • Batman • Beach Guy • Bear • Bell's Friend • Ben • Benjamin Disraeli • Bicuspid • Bigfoot • Biker • Biker #2 • Bill • Bill Gates • Bill Pullman • Billy Ray Cyrus • Bing Crosby • Bingo Guy • Bird #1 • Bitch-Brian • Bitch-Stewie • Black Jock • Black Player • Blue M&M • Bob • Bob Baker • Bob Hope • Bob Ross • Bob Saget • Boom-Boom • Boston Student • Boy • Brain Cell • Brian Griffin as Dr. John Watson • Brian Griffin as Robby • British Air Force Leader • British Guy #2 • British Guy #4 • Broccoli • Bruce Jenner • Bugs Bunny • Bull • Burglar #2 • Burglars • Bush • Business Man #1 • Business Man #2 • Butler • Butler #2 • Cap'n Crunch • Captain Kirk • Captain Von Trapp • Carl Sagan • Carol Alt's Husband • Carson Daly • Carter Pewterschmidt as King Herod • Carter Pewterschmidt as Moriarty Imposter • Carter Pewterschmidt as Uncle Owen • Carter Redbush • Cartoonist • Cary Grant • Cashier • Cat in the Hat • Charles Epstein • Charles Lindbergh • Charles Manson • Charlotte Rae • Charlton Heston • Chef • Chemotherapy Man • Chester Cheetah • Chip • Chopper • Chris' Classmate #2 • Christopher Columbus • Church Goer #3 • Church Goer #4 • Citizen #4 • City Hall Employee • Clerk • Clint Eastwood as Josey Wales • Clint Howard • Cloud #1 • Clown • Co-Worker #1 • Cobra Commander • Colonial Tom Tucker • Commander #2 • Concert Announcer • Congressman #3 • Construction Worker • Construction Worker #2 • Corky • Costello • Count Dracula • Country Club Owner • Country Club Waiter • Cousin Earl • Craig T. Nelson • Crew Member • Crowd • Crowd Member • Cult Kid #1 • Customer #2 • DMV Tester • Daggermouth • Dagobah Man • Dallas Houston • Daniel Day-Lewis • Darrin • David James Elliott • David Leisure • David Letterman • Dead Man • Deer • Demond Wilson • Dennis De Young • Dentist • Disney World Guard • Dixie DJ • Doctor in Porn Movie #1 • Doctor on TV • Dog Race Announcer • Dog Sheriff • Doggie Daddy Stone • Doorman • Dr. Bunsen Honeydew • Dr. Elmer Hartman as General Rieekan • Dr. Katz • Dr. Kevorkian • Dr. Teeth • Driver #2 • Droopy • Droopy Dog • Drunk Driver • Drunk Guy • Drunken Clam Customer • Dyslexic Baseball Wrap-Up Announcer • Edna Garrett • Edward • Egg Spitter • Elderly Naked Priest • Elephant • Elizabeth Smart's Dad • Elliott • Elmer Fudd • Elmo • Emcee • Emeril Lagasse • Emperor Palpatine • Empire Member #2 • Ensign Ricky • Ernie Keebler • Eskimo • Eskimo Father • European Man • Evan's Father • Evil Stewie • Executioner • Eye Floater • Farnsworth • Fast Food Employee • Fat Customer • Fat Kid • Fat Twin #2 • Father Sapienza • Faun • Firetruck Announcer • Fish • Fisherman • Flappy • Flint • Fly • Foghorn Leghorn • Fonzie • Former Neighbor • Founding Father • Frank • Frank Sinatra • Frankenberry • Freddy Krueger • Frog • Frog #1 • Frosty the Snowman • Future Student • Gandhi • Gary Miller • Gas Station Owner • Gay Guy #1 • Gay Guy #2 • Gay Mailbox • Gay Poltergeist • Gazoo • Gene Shalit • General • Genuine Living Homosexual • George Bailey • George Bush • George H. W. Bush • George McFly • Geppetto • German Pilot #1 • German Security • German Tourist • Ghost Whisperer Actor • Giant Rabid Housecat • Glenn Quagmire as Prisoner • Glenn Quagmire as Wise Man • Gloop • Gnome #2 • God's Assistant • Golf • Golf Cart Driver #1 • Golf Competitor • Golfder • Golfer #1 • Goofy • Gordon Freeman • Green Shirt Guy • Greg Gumble • Gregory Peck • Griffin Peterson • Groundskeeper • Guard • Guillermo • Guy #2 • Guy Getting Tattooed • Guy in Carrot Shirt • Guy in Spider-Man Costume • Guy on Phone • Hadji • Hall Monitor XLK • Hank the Toilet • Happy Go Lucky Co-Workers • Harold Ramis • Harry • Harry Houdini • Haskell • Hawkeye • Heart Monitor • Helicopter Pilot • Henry • Henry Wickenshire • Herb • Herry Monster • Hindu God • Hipster #2 • Hipster Son #1 • Hitler Assassinator • Hitman • Homeless Guy #2 • Horse #2 • Horse Race Announcer • Hostage #3 • Hot Dog • Huck Griffin • Hugh Grant • Incisor • Indian Casino Staff #2 • Indian Puppet #1 • Inmate #1 • Inmate #2 • Inspector Gadget • Irish Guy • Irish Man • Isaac • Italian Man • Jabba the Griffin • Jack Daniels • Jack the Ripper • Jackie Chan • Jackie Gleason • Jake • Jake Ryan • James Brady • James Brolin • Janice • Jared • Jaws • Jemima's Witness • Jeremy • Jerry Seinfeld • Jester Brian • Jesus • Jewish Crooner • Jewish Dad • Jewish Slave • Jezeziah • Jim Henson • Jimmy Fallon • Job Placement Counselor • Jock #1 • John • John Edward • John Merrick • John Walton • Joseph Broadfront • Judas • Jude Law • Jury #1 • Karl • Kennedy • Kenneth • Kid #2 • Kidnapper • Kids Choice Awards Announcer • King Arthur Griffin • King Stewart III • Kirk • Klansman • Knight #3 • Kurt Cobain • Lance • Larry • Last Crucify Knight • Lawyer • Lawyer #2 • Lee Harvey Oswald • Legs Go All The Way Up Griffin • Leonardo da Vinci • Leslie • Less Successful Friend • Letter Y • Lewis • Librarian • Little Homo • Little Rich • Little Richard • Live Studio Ostrich • Log #2 • Lord Cadwallider • Lord of Darkness • Los Angeles Cop • Lucas Scott • Luigi • M.C. Escher • MacGyver • Magic Clam • Male Customer • Male Flight Attenden • Mall Clerk • Man #1 • Man #3 • Man #4 • Man During Sex • Man Freeing Slave • Man in Audience • Man in Boxing Match #1 • Man in Car • Man in Crowd • Man in Dinner Party • Man in Film #1 • Man in High Trouser #1 • Man in Nebraska • Man in Operation • Man in Sauna #2 • Man in Supermarket • Man in Theater #2 • Man on Bench • Man on Bicycle • Man on Chair • Man with Braces • Manson • Margaret's Husband • Marguerite's Lawyer • Mario • Mark • Mark Twain • Marty • Mayor Assistant • Mayor McCheese • McGruff the Crime Dog • McMurphy Brother #1 • Melanie Griffith • Meowsy McDermott • Merlin • Mexican Radio Voice • Michael Myers • Mickey McFinnegan • Mickey Mouse • Mike Brady • Mike Wallace • Mob #1 • Mobster #2 • Monk • Monkey #1 • Monty Python Voiceover • Moses Griffin • Movie Director • Mr. Burns • Mr. Hale • Mr. Lessenbee • Mr. Magoo • Mr. McCloud • Mr. Spacely • Mr. Sun • Mrs. Garrett • Mumm-Ra • Museum Guide • Music Teacher • N'Sync Member • NBC Announcer • NBC Assistant • Naked Guy • National Geographic Narrator • Ned • Neil Goldman without his retainer • Neptune • New Quahog Citizen • New Yorker in Bar #2 • Nigel Pinchley • Nikita Khruschev • Noah • Noel Coward • O'Brian • Oates • Octopus • Officer #2 • Old Attendees • Old Filmmaker • Old Guy • Old Hipster • Old Man #2 • Old Man Pressman • Old Writer • Old Yeller • Opera Singer • Orange Crayon • Orange Ghost • Orville Wright • Oscar Actor • Osias Griffin • Osmond #1 • Owl #3 • Ozzy Osbourne • PA Voiceover • Pablo Picasso • Pal • Paparazzis • Parachute Jumper • Parent #2 • Parker • Parrot • Party Host • Pasqual • Pasquel • Passenger • Passenger #1 • Pat Robertson • Paul • Paul Sheldon • Pawtucket Mill CEO • Peck Kid #3 • Pee-wee Herman • Pelican • Penguin • Peter Falk • Peter Griffin as Joseph • Peter Griffin as Professor Moriarty • Peter the Pig • Peter's Conscience • Peter's High School Friend • Peter's Sperm Donation Offspring • Petey Lachance • Phone Caller #1 • Picnic Judge • Pigeon • Pillsbury Doughboy • Pilot #1 • Pinocchio • Plumber • Political Man #2 • Ponch • Pope Manager • Pope's Assistant #1 • Popeye • Pops Racer • Porno Bogart • Praying Old Man • President Snow • Priest • Principal • Principal Shepherd • Prison Guard • Prisoner #1 • Prom Night Dumpster Baby • Protestor • Publisher • Quag Chambers • Quagmire's Son • Quahog Airport Inn Manager • Quark Griffin • Rabbi • Rabbit Doctor • Rapid Dave • Rashad • Real cartoony Gay • Red Ghost • Redneck Father • Referee • Reporter • Retep • Richard Dawson • Richard Nixon • Rick • Rick Moranis • Ricky • Ricky Martin Manager • Roach #1 • Rob Berler • Rob Schneider • Rob Schneider's Slave • Robert Baden-Powell • Robert E. Lee • Robert Kimble • Robert Mitchum • Robot • Robot Monitor • Rod Serling • Roger Chapstick • Roger as Moff Jerjerrod • Ron • Ronald McDonald • Rover Dangerfield • Rufus Griffin • Russian Rat • Ryan Lochte • Safeguard #1 • Santa • Satan • Sauron • Scarecrow • Schneider • Scientist • Scooby-Doo • Scott • Scotty • Scoutmaster • Seagull • Seagull #1 • Seamus Levine • Serf • Seth MacFarlane • Sherlock Holmes • Silas Pewterschmidt • Simon • Sipowitz • Sitting Duck • Skater • Skeleton • Skincell #1 • Smiley McGee • Smithers • Smurf #1 • Snail • Solomon Grundy • Soundwave • Speed Racer • Spider • Spider-Man • Spring Breaker #1 • Spring Breaker #2 • Spy • Statler • Stephen Gyllenhaal • Stephen Hawking's Real Voice • Stephen King • Steve • Steve Buscemi's Tooth #2 • Steve Guttenberg • Steward • Stewie Griffin as Jesus • Stewie Griffin as Sherlock Holmes • Stewie Silhouette • Stewie Wilkes • Stewie's Friend • Stink Fleaman • Store Manager • Storyteller • Strawberry Peter • Street Punk • Student • Sunny • Superfriends Announcer • Supreme Justice #3 • Swedish Chef • Sylvester • Teacher • Teen #2 • Teen in Crowd • Teenager • Teenager in Show • Telegraph Sex • Terry Fabulous • Texan Audience Member #2 • Thaddeus Griffin • The Chairman • The Don • The Ghost of Vern • The Pope • Theodore Roosevelt • Thomas Griffin • Thunder • Tim • Tim Tucker • Tim the Bear • Tim the Bear as Wickett • Timer the Cheese Guy • Todd • Toilet • Tom Green • Tom Tucker Sr. • Tom Tucker as Imperial Newscaster • Tom Tucker as Newspaper Vendor • Tony • Tony Danza • Tony Robbins • Tony the Tiger • Tooth Fairy • Toy Voiceover • Trailer Narrator • Trapper • Tree • Tree #3 • Trix Rabbit • Trooper • Tucan Sam • Turtleneck Man • Tyler • Ulysses S. Griffin • Uninjured Veteran #2 • Unknown Voice • Vagina Monologue • Van Voiceover • Vaudeville Guy • Vet • Veteran #7 • Vice President • Virgil • Voiceover in CD #2 • Warden Norton • Washington Senator • Wayne • Wellesley Shepherdson • White Guard #2 • White Runner • White Spy • Willie Tanner • Willy • Willy Wonka • Wimpy • Winston Churchill • Witnesser #1 • Witnesser #4 • Woody • Wounded Man • Writer • Yogi Bear • Yosemite Sam • Zebra
- Peter Griffin: Brian, there's a message in my Alpha Bits. It says "OOOOOO".
- Brian Griffin: Peter, those are Cheerios.
- [Stewie and Brian in the mall]
- Stewie Griffin: 10 bucks.
- Brian Griffin: Five bucks.
- Stewie Griffin: Eight bucks and I'll do it.
- Brian Griffin: Fine.
- [Stewie goes running through the center courtyard naked]
- Stewie Griffin: Help! I've escaped from Kevin Spacey's basement! Help me!
- [Stewie walks back to Brian naked]
- Stewie Griffin: Ha! I am so outrageous. Gimme the cash.
- [Stewie starts counting the money]
- Brian Griffin: Cold in here?
- Stewie Griffin: Nope, just really small.
- Interviewer: [Peter is at a job interview] So, Peter, where do you see yourself in ten years?
- Peter Griffin: [thinks] Don't say doin' your wife, don't say doin' your wife...
- [out loud]
- Peter Griffin: Doin' your, er...
- [sees photo of interviewer on the beach with his wife and son]
- Peter Griffin: ... son?
- [interviewer's shocked expression]
- Tom Tucker: And now, here's Ollie Williams, with the BlaccuWeather Forecast. Ollie!
- Ollie Williams: IT'S GON' RAIN!
- Tom Tucker: Thanks, Ollie.
- Lois Griffin: What's going on?
- Stewie Griffin: We're playing house.
- Lois Griffin: The boy is all tied up.
- Stewie Griffin: Roman Polanski's house.
- Woman Running Rehab Clinic: What's your name?
- Peter Griffin: Uh
- [looks around and sees a pea on a plate]
- Peter Griffin: Pea.
- Peter Griffin: [sees a woman crying] tear uh
- Peter Griffin: [a Griffin flys across the room] Griffin. yeah that's it, Peter Griffin.
- [pause]
- Peter Griffin: Oh crap.
- Glen Quagmire: Hi, Meg. Eighteen yet?
- Meg Griffin: No.
- Glen Quagmire: [Turns to Chris] Hey Chris, how's it going?
- Lois Griffin: [to Peter] Hey there, Sweetie! I got a wax this morning and let's just say you're cleared for landing. Huh?
- Glen Quagmire: [from afar] Giggidy!
- Peter Griffin: Huh, I wonder what Scooby and the gang are up to?
- [Scooby-Doo theme plays]
- TV Announcer: We now return to The Scooby-Doo Murder Files.
- Fred Jones: Gee whiz, gang. Looks like the killer gutted the victim, strangled him with his own intestines and then dumped the body in the river.
- Velma: Jinkies! What a mystery!
- Scooby-Doo: [jumps on Shaggy's arms] Arroo!
- Fred Jones: You're right Scoob, we're dealing with one sick son of a bitch!
- Peter Griffin: What's wrong, Stewie, don't you wanna pee in the toilet bowl like a big boy? Boy I remember when I learned to use a potty all by myself. I was so proud.
- [Flashbacks to one year ago]
- Peter Griffin: [Zips up pants] Hey Lois, I did it.
- John Edward: [Peter is in the audience of "Crossing Over with John Edward"] I'm sensing an 'A'. Does your name begin with an 'A'?
- Peter Griffin: No.
- John Edward: A 'B'?
- Peter Griffin: No.
- John Edward: C? D? E, F, G, H, I, J, K, L, M, N, O, P...
- Peter Griffin: P! Peter! My name's Peter!
- John Edward: Is your name Peter?
- Peter Griffin: Wow! You are some kind of sorcerer.
- Peter Griffin: [during a camping trip in a beautiful forest] You know, sometimes I feel like the whole world was made just for me...
- [cut to the moon control room from "The Truman Show"]
- Control Room Director: You think he's on to us, Christof?
- Christof: No, he's an idiot.
- Young Peter Griffin: Why did all the dinosaurs die out?
- Museum Curator: Because you touch yourself at night.
- [Peter looks down in shame]
- [Peter has accidentally unleashed the 10 plagues]
- Peter Griffin: There has to be some explanation for this.
- Brian Griffin: You want an explanation?
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: GOD
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: IS
- [slaps Peter]
- Brian Griffin: PISSED.
- Stewie Griffin: Mother, I come bearing a gift. I'll give you a hint: it's in my diaper and it's not a toaster.
- Lois Griffin: Meg, can you change Stewie?
- Meg Griffin: Fine, but this time if a boy calls, please don't tell him I'm wrist deep in poopy.
- Lois Griffin: Peter, why would they make you president?
- Peter Griffin: Probably because I can recite all 50 states in a quarter of a second.
- [makes a loud, yelping sound that resembles a dog bark]
- Lois Griffin: Peter, that was just a loud yelping noise.
- Peter Griffin: Oh, okay, here's another riddle. A woman has two children. Now, a homicidal maniac tells her she can only keep one. Which one does she let 'im kill?
- Brian Griffin: That's, that's not a riddle. That's, that's just terrible.
- Peter Griffin: Wrong! It's the ugly one.
- Stewie Griffin: Hey, Brian, remember me? I'm the guy you left standing at the counter at McDonald's with a bag full of burgers. You know it's funny, I tried to walk home and, um, a lot of hungry deer walking around at this hour of the night and, um, oh here's where the story gets fun, uh, you may have noticed I'm missing an ear. Managed to, uh, pull it out of the deer's mouth and put it in some ice I got at a 7-Eleven. So when you are ready to apologize, just talk into this cup.