The Ninja Squad

This has to be one of the most hilarious films I have ever watched. It consists of two stories - Billy the Ninja has to battle some gangsters, while Gordon the Ninja has to defeat some other ninja who wants to kill every other ninja to prove he's the best. There is a lot of "ninja" in this film. Highlights included the fantastic Ninja headbands (all ninjas need a headband that announces their ninja status), the ninja shell suits, the urban cameo ninja and the screamingly funny dialogue - "Bully, what are you going to do about work? I don't think your ninja skills will help you find a job." Ah yes, a common problem for young ninjas. I think this film would be best viewed while drunk.

This is awful, theres no doubt about that, its a Godfrey Ho movie so obviously it has awful acting, writing, editing, story and plots (yes there are two plots). It is still funny. Plot one is a guy called Billy, I think, who has a hilarious Aussie dubbing and he's facing a villain called Larry who has terrible dress sense. Then a ninja is killing ninjas to draw out the master ninja called Gordon (Richard Harrison) but the evil ninja is sending Gordon letters to challenge him or he'll kill ninjas. So Gordon just stays out of it.

This is something of a 'so bad its good' and will friends it will make for a great laugh, but its still dreadful

The pain I endured during the viewing of this film was unbelievable. I didn't exactly have high hopes for this film, in fact I watched it merely because I was in need of a laugh. But unfortunately for me, my brain could not have sustained worse damage had I repeatedly ran head first into a brick wall.

SPOILERS AHEAD 70% OF THE FILM RUINED(not that there's a plot anyway)

A man named Billy has not been paying his rent. Enter the rockard African Americans with bad Australian dubbed voices who proceed to get there asses kicked by the mighty Billy. They go back to their boss and.... that's where my IQ dropped 24 points. Anyway, Billy's mother is eventually killed and his sister kidnapped, so he sets out on a journey to "revenge" his mothers death (no I am not joking he really does say that).

Most of the film concentrates on Billy randomly going to sites with bad guys and pointing a gun in different directions to shoot his load. These sessions are followed by large intervals of talking. The talking seems to go on for hours, which is probably thanks to the gut wrenching dubbing, the silly looking characters and the annoying music.

The other untimely classic character this film introduces is Gordon

Gordon, the ninja, is challenged by the mighty Ivan the red. Ivan wants to kill Gordon so he may be crowned as "The Ultimate Ninja". If Gordon refuses, Ivan will go on a ninja killing spree until Gordon changes his mind. Obviously Gordon, being the intelligent man that he is, refuses and Ivan proceeds to wipeout every last ninja from the face of the earth. One thing Ivan should have considered is how can the ninjas praise him as this grandmaster if they're all dead? But oh well, none of the other characters use there brain in this film why should he be any different?

The main thing I noted about the characters in this film was that every one of them, especially the ninjas, were so superbly trained. No matter how many times a character was shot, slashed or stabbed they just wouldn't bleed. No blood was spilt in this film whatsoever.

Another notable is how every ninja in this movie is a Badass White American. Every time one of the ninjas died they would pull the stupidest face ever before keeling over at a ludicrous speed which had me in fits of laughter. It actually kept me watching to see if the next ninja's death would be funnier than the last. But the repetitive Billy scenes just kept coming back over, and over, and over, and I've just had enough of typing now. I would say more about this disgrace to planet earth,but even thinking about this film for too long could cause irreparable brain damage.

Another nugget of movie-making gold from the crazed minds of Godfrey Ho, Joseph Lai, and the must-be-fictional IFD script unit. This time our pal Richard Harrison (who is unnerving without his trademark moustache, just like a young Burt Reynolds or a post-Fawlty John Cleese) returns as Ninja Master Gordon to train a young lad named Billy in the mystical arts of ninjitsu.

Unfortunately for Billy, he hasn't reckoned on the lack of job prospects for 18th century Japanese assassins down at the local labour exchange, and finds himself returning to his home town without money or gainful employment, and facing a gang of extortionist thugs threatening his poor old mother that if she doesn't find any cash they'll "burn down your f***in' house"!!! Class.

Whilst young Billy wrestles with the domestic soap opera aspects of ninja existence, his master Gordon is entangled in conflict with the startling Ivan the Red (Dave Wheeler), who possesses an amazing costume, a ludicrously macho and husky dubbed voice, and a truly sensational bass-lead theme tune. Seriously: if they release "Ivan's Theme" i predict it as Christmas number one with full confidence. Ivan's challenge to Gordon to fight to the death for NINJA SUPREMACY is spurned, and so Mr. The Red decides to take out a number of random ninjas clad in outfits of varying ludicrousness as they "train" (jump about a bit) in various neighbouring fields. Obviously, we're all waiting for the final showdown between these two ninja colossi, and we aren't disappointed.

Well, we are, to be honest, but as with all of these movies, it's the journey , not the destination, that matters. And when we've encountered such hilariously inept dialogue, thrillingly pounding basslines, and dubbing so bad it may well make you mentally ill along the way, who can possibly complain? Only the type of person who wouldn't even "revenge" their own mother.

Having actually enjoyed a couple of Godfrey Ho's ninja movies, I had toyed with the idea of tracking down and reviewing them all, but after the travesty that is The Ninja Squad, I think I'll knock that one on the head: just the mere thought that this might not be the cruddiest of Ho's films sends a shiver right down my spine.

For The Ninja Squad, Ho once again takes an old Asian flick and splices in some totally unconnected ninja nonsense (starring Richard Harrison, naturally) to make a completely new product; as always, the result is a disjointed mess, but whereas some of his other efforts manage to entertain by either being unintentionally hilarious, downright sleazy, or both, this one is, for the most part, extremely boring.

The non-Richard Harrison material sees trained ninja Billy avenging his mother's death, not through the use of his martial arts skills, but by gunning down her killers with an assault rifle. It's non-stop action all the way, but so poorly thrown together that it quickly becomes very tiresome. These parts of the film also feature some of the worst dubbing I have ever heard—funny at first, perhaps, but it soon becomes irritating.

Meanwhile, the newer footage features Harrison as Pink Ninja (ooh ducky!), who spends his day swinging his weapon around waiting for villainous rival Ivan the Red to finish killing other assorted colour-coded ninjas (white, yellow, black and that old favourite, camouflage ninja) so the two of them can clash swords at Falcon Ridge (didn't Joan Collins used to be in that?). Moderately amusing in places (Ivan's golden boomerang and frisbee made me laugh), but not enough to make me ever want to go anywhere near this film again.