- Christopher Titus: My father thrives on fear. You know that prayer "If I should die before I wake"? I had sheets that said that!
- Christopher Titus: Fifteen years I have chosen *not* to drink. Because I'm not good at drinking. I know it. Erin knows it. The fire department that had to put me out knows it.
- Christopher Titus: According to the Los Angeles Times, 63% of families in America are now considered dysfunctional. That means that I'm in the majority. It's the people with the mom, dad, brother, sister, white picket fence, those people are the *freaks*!
- Christopher Titus: A salamander can grow a new tail in three weeks. My dad can score new tail in three minutes.
- Christopher Titus: Bad news has never been broken gently in my family. Because, breaking it gently takes a few extra seconds. And who's got that kinda time? Hey, we maybe failures, but we are very busy.
- [flashback]
- Ken Titus: I got a little story I wanna tell you. Once upon a time, your dog got hit by a truck this morning!
- [about his girlfriend, Erin]
- Christopher Titus: When we first got together, Dad thought the relationship was a *huge* mistake.
- Ken Titus: [in flashback] I think this relationship is a huge mistake. Take it from a guy who's been married a *lot*. You'll regret the day you ever moved in together. You are in for a nightmare!
- [cut to show he's talking to Erin]
- Christopher Titus: Dad is a new person. A person who has learned that forgiveness is better then revenge. Next year, we'll teach him that heart attacks are not like women. You just can't keep having them!
- [about his mother]
- Christopher Titus: Without her it would still be legal in this state to kill a man with a cappuccino machine.
- [at a self-help seminar, Dave is bawling his eyes out]
- Dave: [through tears] I... don't know what you... want from... me!
- Christopher Titus: I want you to tell me what you want.
- Dave: But I told you... What I want. I... Wanna... Get bitten by a radioactive spider and get super powers!
- Christopher Titus: My dad don't like lies. He says it hurts people in the long race. He prefers the truth. That hurts them instantly. He especially liked this one
- [imitating a sad person]
- Christopher Titus: The only way to tell my Dad something is to write it on a note, and tie it to a brick, and throw it through a window. Of course, now Dad's armed with a brick.
- Christopher Titus: Screwed-up people settle fights through violence. This can escalate into a war that can kill millions. Normal people settle disputes over cookies, cakes, and pies. Normal people are fat.
- Christopher Titus: I gave my father a heart attack. It was a practical joke. Come on, you push a guy's face in a cake he's got to clean it off. You hit a guy with a water balloon, he's got to dry off. Guy's in the hospital, you get his testicles shaved, he scratches and bleeds for a week... it's funny... you're not supposed to have a heart attack, it kills the joke.
- Christopher Titus: In a crisis, my family puts aside all its petty differences and hatreds... Because a crisis, is a perfect opportunity to create *new* petty differences and hatreds! My dad's from that era when you lived to 50, your heart exploded and that was that. You know when you cook bacon and you pour the grease into the can? My dad's the can!
- Christopher Titus: My dad's third heart attack, he'd gotten so good at them, he decided to drive himself to the hospital because 'They won't let me smoke in the ambulance!' and 'You can't make a burger run.'
- Christopher Titus: A lie is a lie... unless your friends and family are in on it. Then it's a "commonly held belief."
- Christopher Titus: There's one in every family. When the police calls in the middle of the night and says "We've got a family members of yours under arrest" and you know directly who it is. In my family we have seven of those... And they are all my *Mom*!
- Christopher Titus: After all, once you've driven your drunk father to your mom's parole hearing, what else is there?
- Christopher Titus: Everybody has hope for the perfect love. Normal people are raised to believe that there's someone out there who's your soulmate, your best friend, your lover. My dad always told me that when you find that person, "You gotta nail her"!
- Christopher Titus: My dad's full of encouragement and support. It just feels like abandonment and neglect.
- Christopher Titus: Dave's my brother, I love him with all my heart. No matter how many times I'm charged as an accessory!
- [Christopher, Dave, and Tommy have just watched a man fall to his death from jumping off a bridge]
- Dave: His helmet fell off.
- Christopher Titus: He wasn't wearing one.
- [Tommy faints]
- Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my 8 track!
- [the 8 track player is thrown at Ken]
- Ken Titus: Duck, boy!
- Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my cassette deck!
- [the cassette deck is thrown at Ken]
- Ken Titus: Duck, boy!
- Ken Titus: [flashback] You're not leaving with my CD player!
- [the CD player is thrown at Ken]
- Christopher Titus: Yeah!
- [Titus gets hit with the CD player]
- Ken Titus: What? Do I always have to say "Duck, boy"?
- Christopher Titus: Pfft, math. Who needs it? I spent my time in school memorizing things I could use. Like The California State Mental Health Code Requirement For The Declaration Of Commitment Of A Loved One, which is as follows: Causing harm to others.
- [flashback]
- Christopher Titus: [shows Juanita hitting Ken in the head with a frying pan]
- [end Flashback]
- Christopher Titus: Causing harm to self
- [flashback]
- Christopher Titus: [young Christopher knocks on bathroom door]
- 10 - Year Old Titus: Mom, Are you ready yet?
- Juanita Titus: [opens the door, having shaved a huge lock of hair off the top of her head] I'll be ready in a minute, I'm just fixing my doo. Give this to your father
- [handing young Christopher the lock of hair]
- Juanita Titus: .
- [end Flashback]
- Christopher Titus: Destruction of Property
- [flashback]
- Christopher Titus: [young Christopher and Ken Titus are looking out the window at their car on fire in the driveway]
- Ken Titus: We needed a new car anyway.
- Christopher Titus: Dad, you're safe here, you're among friends, okay? I just want you to know that I give you my - my love and my forgiveness.
- Ken Titus: Great. I'll put that in my tool shed with all the other crap I don't use.
- [bursting into a hung-over Chris' room]
- Ken Titus: You wanna tell me why my car is parked at such an odd angle on the porch across the street?
- Christopher Titus: I was raised by Ken Titus. I can see BS through eight miles of led enforced concrete through a blizzard and... hey, where are you going?
- Christopher Titus (age 5): Dad, what's gay?
- Ken Titus: Son... gay... is when, two men... make God cry!
- Young Tommy: I don't think you should hit that bee hive!
- Young Chris: Don't worry, the bee hive is nature's pinata! Olay!
- Christopher Titus: My dad's all I've ever had. When I was 3 and 4, my mom used to take me to bars. I understand why now - babysitters cost beer, beer and-a-half an hour.
- Christopher Titus: Listen, my niece has been living with us for 3 months, and she is my responsibility. If some bully is harassing her, I'm gonna do something about it! I hate bullies!
- Tommy Shafter: You're about to beat up a kid with a bat!
- Christopher Titus: Yeah, what's your point?
- Tommy Shafter: Do you remember me, Mrs. Titus?
- Grandma Titus: Of course, Tommy. Have you found a nice young man to settle down with?
- Tommy Shafter: I'm not gay.
- Grandma Titus: Oh. Then you're not the Tommy I knew.
- Christopher Titus: It should be a law. Everyone should have to own a gun. In fact, if you get caught outside your house without your gun, you get a ticket. And you get shot in the leg. Just to prove their point.
- Christopher Titus: Think about it. There'd be no more car jackings.
- Tommy Shafter: [Tommy's car is being robbed by a guy with crowbar, the carjacker shouts "Get out of the car!", Tommy shoots the carjacker] Get out of the street!
- Christopher Titus: Bag boys would be more courteous.
- Ken Titus: [Ken is at the supermarket, the bag boy puts bread in a bag, then drops a six-pack on the bread. Ken shoots the bag boy] It's canned goods first, then bread!
- Christopher Titus: And people in general would just be a lot friendlier.
- Erin Fitzpatrick: [after a guy cuts to the front of the line, Erin shoots him] No cuts!
- Christopher Titus: I want everybody to get behind this law. Because the first couple of years, a lot of us are gonna die!
- Christopher Titus: Erin is a caretaker. She takes care of everything. Stray dogs, stray cats, stray fishes. I don't know were she gets them.
- Christopher Titus: Erin starts every morning by saying the word happy ten times. Happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, pfft, urk!
- Erin (Age 5): Mommy, smoking causes cancer.
- Erins Mom: Mommy wants cancer, honey. Because of your daddy.
- Erin (Age 5): Happy, happy, happy happy...
- Ken: Jesus was laughing when I went into the light!
- Christopher Titus: He was laughing because YOU were trying to get into Heaven!
- Christopher Titus: Dad can score new tail in three minutes.
- Juanita Titus: [yelling at Ken in a bar] I want a divorce!
- Ken Titus: [turning to the woman sitting next to him] Hi.
- [Titus is encased in a block of ice - the result of trying to teach Dave independence and self-reliance...]
- Christopher Titus: The truth HURTS.
- [Mumbles unintelligible sentences and an expletive that was deleted]
- Christopher Titus: DAVE!