- Patrick: The inner machinations of my mind are an enigma.
- [thought bubble for Patrick shows a carton of milk tipping over and spilling]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm every bit as good as Larry, and if I'm not, then may I be struck by...
- [rumble of thunder]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: ... a flying ice cream truck.
- [a shadow forms over SpongeBob; chimes play]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: And live!
- [the flying ice cream truck stops short of crushing Spongebob]
- Larry the Lobster: [on megaphone] Please do not land flying ice cream trucks on the bathers.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I guess Grampa SquarePants was right: Never run for a bus...
- [Imitates Grampa SquarePants]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: ... especially one that's going up at a 90 degree angle.
- [SpongeBob appears on the horizon]
- Sandy Cheeks: Here, Patrick. Have a Krabby Patty.
- [whispers]
- Sandy Cheeks: Psst. There he is Patrick, say your line.
- Patrick: [picks up paper] Why thank you, Sandy. Take Patty. Too bad SpongeBob isn't here to enjoy this. These are his favorite.
- [on the verge of tears]
- Patrick: Take bite.
- [opening sequence]
- Painting: Are you ready kids?
- Kids: Aye Aye Captain!
- Painting: I can't hear you!
- Kids: Aye Aye Captain!
- Painting, Kids: Ohhhh... Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?
- Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Painting: Absorbent and yellow and porous is he!
- Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Painting: If nautical nonsense be somethin' you wish.
- Kids: SpongeBob SquarePants!
- Painting: Then drop on the deck and flop like a fish!
- Painting, Kids: Ready? SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePants! SpongeBob SquarePannnnnts!
- [Hearty laugh]
- Painting, Kids: [SpongeBob plays flute using his nose]
- Squidward: Okay i want everyone to stand in straight rows of five.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Is this the part where we start kicking?
- Squidward: No SpongeBob. That's a chorus line.
- Patrick: Kicking? I wanna do some kicking!
- [kicks Sandy]
- Sandy Cheeks: Ow! Why you...
- [gets into a fight with Patrick]
- Patrick: [screams loudly]
- Patrick: Who ever's the owner of the white sedan you left your lights on.
- Mermaid Man: That guy over there used to be the Atomic Flounder. I know he doesn't look like much now, but he could go back to crime
- [snaps fingers]
- Mermaid Man: just like that
- [Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy chuckle; SpongeBob suddenly tackles the Atomic Flounder]
- Atomic Flounder: Help, somebody there!
- SpongeBob: You're under arrest, Atomic Flounder!
- Mermaid Man: No, lad! Don't!
- SpongeBob: But you said he could turn back to crime
- [snaps fingers]
- SpongeBob: like that.
- Atomic Flounder: What? Get off me! If I weren't retired I'd... I'd... Roar!
- [Breathes radiation on Barnacle Boy's face, burning it]
- Atomic Flounder: ... do that.
- Plankton: [yells] Lady, someone should put you in a box to drift in the river!
- Elderly lady: [pauses, sadly] ... you're right.
- Barnacle Boy: Uh Mermaid Man?
- Mermaid Man: Yes Barnacle Boy?
- Barnacle Boy: We're not in the invisible boat mobile are we?
- Mermaid Man: Uh. Nope.
- Personified Krabby Patty: Just remember SpongeBob, I'll always be right here.
- [points to SpongeBob's Chest]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: In my heart?
- Personified Krabby Patty: Actually in your arteries.
- Plankton: SpongeBob what do you want?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Well it's just that it's Tuesday again sir and i was wondering if i can have my weekly performance review.
- Plankton: Review?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh yes please sir please!
- Plankton: But i've never reviewed anything. Except those foreign exercise videos my cousin sent me.
- Squidward: SpongeBob do you remember that talk we had about personal space?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: It's okay Squidward i'm official look!
- Squidward: Co-Cashier?
- Plankton: So have you two known each other long?
- Squidward: You can't do this to me Mr. Plankton! If you think i'm gonna stand out there all day listening to...
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.
- Squidward: Then you must have coral wasted in your frontal lobe!
- Plankton: So what do you want me to do about it?
- Squidward: I'd like my view to be a little less yellow if you know what i mean.
- Plankton: Hope you like grey.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey Squidward, i can see you though this little window.
- Patrick: Listen up SpongeBob Secret Stealer Pants! If you ever come near my secret box again, we won't be friends anymore!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: But we're supposed to be friends forever.
- Squidward: I was trying to take a nap over here!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hang on Squidward. Patrick was just about to figure out where this last piece of this puzzle goes. Weren't you Patrick?
- Patrick: Who's the green guy?
- Squidward: It's the last piece of the puzzle! There's only one place it can go right here!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward! It wasn't your turn! That's cheating.
- Squidward: Cheating? It's a jigsaw puzzle you can't cheat!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: He didn't call them Mr. Krabs. We did. I needed some help investigating the accident. Right buddy?
- Patrick: Breakfast. Green. Finland.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Mega Bucket? You've used me for land development! That wasn't nice!
- Plankton: Haven't you heard SpongeBob? Nice guys finish last. Only aggressive people conquer the world!
- [laughs evilly]
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Could you show me how to tie my shoes?
- Painting: Arrgh! I'd just be a painting of a head.
- Patrick: Oh boy that was some party! Oh hey SpongeBob! Hey Junior! What? What?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh nothing.
- Patrick: Oh what a relive for a second there I thought you'd be mad at me.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Do you remember what you said to me this morning?
- Patrick: Something about root beer right?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: No.
- Patrick: Oh wait let me guess let me guess! I give up!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Does you can take the night off pal ring a bell?
- Patrick: I don't need this.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: What? Where do you think you're going?
- Patrick: I'm going back to work!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Work?
- Patrick: He got hit in the head with two coconuts!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: So this is work?
- Patrick: You know it's not as easy as it looks. Sometimes i gotta move the antenna, sometimes i lose the remote and sometimes my butt itches real bad.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh you poor poor thing. By the way you forgot you briefcase!
- [opens up the briefcase showing sweet desserts and dumps them on Patrick]
- Patrick: Oh. So this is the thanks i get for working overtime!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Overtime?
- Patrick: Yeah overtime pal! You know what that means? It means working when you're too tired to work! You just keep going on working and working!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Oh boy yeah you're working ! And that's the kind of work you're doing? Show me where to sign up for it because i've been working my fingers to the bone! You never helped! Never!
- Patrick: Do i get my reward yet?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: You have to work for it remember?
- Patrick: Tarter sauce!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Why are you here to rescue little old me?
- Barnacle Boy: Pipe Down! You're gonna wake Mermaid Man and he's ornery when his nap is disturbed.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Ever alert Mermaid Man has trained himself to sleep with his eyes open.
- Barnacle Boy: Con funded! Get away from him!
- Mermaid Man: Stop shouting i'm napping!
- Barnacle Boy: It's not me you old coot!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey Mr. Krabs!
- Mr. Krabs: What is it boy?
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward just told me a hilarious joke and i thought you might like to hear it.
- Mr. Krabs: Is it true Squidward? Is it hilarious?
- Squidward: Um yeah sure.
- Mr. Krabs: Well let's hear it lad.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Okay here it goes. Um how did it go Squidward?
- Squidward: Um it went um let's see ah Why couldn't the eleven year old get into the new pirate movie?
- Mr. Krabs: Why?
- Squidward: It was rated Arr!
- [laughs]
- Squidward: Arr! Because it's about pirates.
- Mr. Krabs: I'm not paying you to do stand up Mr. Squidward! Now get back to work!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward's father never hugged him. Isn't that sad?
- [cries]
- Mr. Krabs: Yes i suppose that is rather sad but Squidward can hug himself during his break. Now get back to work!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Just like the robot in the movie! He couldn't cry either.
- Squidward: SpongeBob this is getting ridiculous. I'll have you know my father loved me very much.
- Squidward: All right you two! Out! And don't even think about jogging your empty skulls for the rest of the day! Or tomorrow or next week
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Squidward does that include...
- Squidward: Yes it does!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee Patrick. Do you think Squidward was trying to tell us something?
- Squidward: Yes i was! You call yourselves good neighbors? You're the worst neighbors ever! You don't deserve to wear these fezzes!
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Gee Pat. Maybe President Squidward's right.
- Patrick: Yeah. I guess we're not good neighbors after all.
- Squidward: No you aren't! You're horrible neighbors! And stop calling me president!
- Gary The Snail: Meow.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Gary! Squidward is not a free loader and he will never take advantage of me!
- French Narrator: Three weeks later.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: He's just having a hard time getting his confidence back.
- French Narrator: Many months later.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I'm sure he's close to a break through.
- French Narrator: So much later that the old narrator got tired of waiting and they had to hire a new one.
- Gary The Snail: Meow meow meow.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: I know he still isn't looking for work! Don't rub it in!
- French Narrator: A slow day at the Krusty Krab.
- SpongeBob SquarePants: Hey Squidward check this out. Two ordinary krabby patties but when expertly tossed with the skill of a champ they become...
- Patrick: A one-way ticket to pain!