- Dr. Grace Goode: Is there some small way I can help you?
- Mr. Gross: I don't talk to secretaries. I want to talk to the guy that runs this place.
- Dr. Grace Goode: I'm Grace Goode, MD, SST, DDS, RSVP, director of operations.
- Mr. Gross: A woman? I should have known!
- Nurse Ratchitt: Watch it, buster!
- Mr. Gross: Look, Doc. I've been waiting here all day. The little woman, my wife, was supposed to have her gallbladder operation already and nothing's been done. So, how about it?
- Nurse Ratchitt: All orderlies to the front desk, stat!
- Orderly Stubby: Damn! We never have any fun around here!
- Orderly Arnold: Come on, Stubby! Let's go. I'll bet it's that pizza we ordered!
- Barry Moore: My dark suit is so shinny that if I tear it, I might get seven years of bad luck. Speaking of bad luck, take my wives; my first wife left me, my second wife won't! The only thing that I've become an expert at collecting is dandruff.
- Dr. Harvey Harvey: Haven't you considered another occupation besides being an undertaker?
- Barry Moore: What? And give failure a bad name?
- Barry Moore: Yesterday I dictated to my cigar and lit my secretary, which is kind of interesting since my cigar is a better typist.
- Barry Moore: I used to be a tree surgeon, but I kept falling out of my patients. So, I branched out.
- Barry Moore: Well, I've gone over each corpse with a fine tooth comb... but I lost my comb. This is all that's left of Mrs. Gross.
- Dr. Harvey Harvey: This bucket?
- Barry Moore: And this.
- [holds up a bag full of marijuana]
- Barry Moore: AHH! Sorry, this is my stash.
- Dr. Harvey Harvey: What did you find out about the other corpses?
- Barry Moore: You wouldn't believe the day I had today. I spent hours looking in a mirror trying to figure out where I'd seen myself before.