- Maya Wilkes: [Talking to Toni] Kiss is a noun and a verb, so you can either give my ass a kiss or kiss my ass!
- Joan Clayton: My mother always said, "When love runs out on you, God sends you love's equivalent... or better."
- Toni Childs: I thought she said, "When you run out of love's lubricant, use butter."
- Joan Clayton: What?
- Toni Childs: What? Your momma does mumble. And we both know she's a freak.
- Maya Wilkes: Thanks for watching my little man, Toni.
- Toni Childs: No problem. Jamal is a very wise young man.
- Maya Wilkes: For the last time Toni, his name is Jabari.
- Toni Childs: But he looks like a Jamal.
- Toni Childs: Maya, how'd you get so smart?
- Maya Wilkes: Oh, girl, I'm an authoress. I gots to know stuff.
- Toni Childs: I guess you don't "gots" to know grammar.
- Maya Wilkes: At least I didn't miss my baby's first doctor's appointment!
- Toni Childs: At least I didn't leave my baby on the bus!
- Maya Wilkes: Bus *stop*! Get it right, bitch.
- Julie Fageaux: So... lunch?
- Maya Wilkes: Yeah.
- Julie Fageaux: Soho?
- Maya Wilkes: I said yeah, bitch!
- Julie Fageaux: Okay, you know what I'm just trying to do my job, I'm trying to meet your needs. I love your book and I don't know why you feel the need to come in and attack me
- Maya Wilkes: What did I do to you?
- Julie Fageaux: You called me a bitch
- Maya Wilkes: You called me a ho!
- Julie Fageaux: OK... Soho is a neighborhood.
- Maya Wilkes: Jabari, I said get up and take out the trash now.
- Jabari Wilkes: [mumbling] What, are your legs broke?
- Maya Wilkes: No, but your ass is about to be!
- Maya Wilkes: [recounting story of Jabari as a newborn] Let's just say LA Transit gets a bad rap. Because they do return lost items.
- Toni Childs: You left Jingle-Jangle on the bus?
- Maya Wilkes: No! I left Jingle-Jangle at the bus stop.
- Maya Wilkes: [Maya is accusing Darnell of cheating on her with his co-worker at the airport] Joan said she saw you down at the airport with some woman.
- Darnell Wilkes: And if Joan had stayed there she would have seen me down there with a lot of women... that didn't come out right.
- Darnell Wilkes: We're just not clicking the way we used to.
- Maya Wilkes: Maybe we should pray about it.
- Darnell Wilkes: What?
- Maya Wilkes: A family that prays together, stays together.
- Darnell Wilkes: All right, you pray, I'm going to bed.
- Maya Wilkes: Baby, be angry at me. Don't be angry at the Lord.
- [reciting a poem to make the girls forgive him for something he did]
- William Dent: This Charlie can't fly without his angels.
- Maya Wilkes: See, Joan, I told you. Actors aren't smart... and they steal... Winona Ryder... I rest my case.
- Maya Wilkes: [to Darnell] You know there was a time when I did think you were controlling, but now I think you just love too hard. You try to protect the people you love from life when you just need to let them live it with you.
- Toni Childs: [on converting to Judaism] I'm already on standby for heaven as it is. I'm not straying from the path I've chosen.
- Toni Childs: Where's my phone sheet?
- Shelby Girard: On your zip disk.
- Toni Childs: Nuh-uh, I don't zip-a-dee-do that. I want my phone sheet on paper.
- Shelby Girard: Has Enron taught you nothing?
- Toni Childs: Hey, Jolly Rancher
- Jabari Wilkes: It's *Jabari*!
- Toni Childs: Why is he yelling at me in gibberish?