- Eduard Christoff Philippe GÈrard Renaldi, Prince of Genovia: [voiceover] Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something is more important than fear. The brave may not live forever, but the cautious do not live at all.
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Amelia, you look so... young.
- Mia: Thank you. And you look so...
- [long pause]
- Mia: ... clean.
- Gym Teacher Harbula: [PA announcement] Will the Feng Shui Club *please* stop rearranging the tables on the lawn.
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: You are princess of Genovia.
- Mia: Me, a princess?
- [shouts]
- Mia: Shut up!
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: I beg your pardon, "Shut up"?
- Consulate Maitre'D: Oh, your majesty, in America, it doesn't always mean to be quiet. Here it could mean "Wow, gee whiz, golly wolly"...
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Where is she going?
- Helen Thermopolis: The tower.
- [getting up from the table and going after Mia]
- Helen Thermopolis: Mia, You can't run from everything!
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: She has a tower?
- [as his assistants pluck Mia's eyebrows]
- Paolo: I love your eyebrows. We'll call them Frieda and Kahlo. If Brooke Shields married Groucho Marx, their child would have your eyebrows!
- Vice Principal Gupta: [on the phone] Gupta... mmhh... mmhh... mmhh.
- [hangs up]
- Vice Principal Gupta: The Queen is coming - to Grove High School.
- Mia: [voiceover] Dear Diary, today is my first official day as Princess of Genovia. We'll land in a few hours, and I'll meet Parliament and the people before beginning my royal duties. Mom is, of course, moving to Genovia with me, and we'll continue painting - without the balloons. Lilly and Michael are planning to spend their summer vacation at our - can you believe it - palace. They're even having my Mustang brought over, which I can legally drive in two weeks. Grandma's so glad to be going home, and Joseph - well, he's watching nearby as usual. Everybody's got pre-coronation jitters, including me. Everybody that is, except Fat Louie. He's totally adapted to being a royal. I guess he was one all along.
- Joe: [voiceover] Princess, look out the window... and welcome to Genovia.
- Mia: Okay... you know what? I don't feel protected. You try living for 15 years thinking that you're one person, and then in five minutes, you find out you're a princess. Just in case I wasn't enough of a freak already, let's add a tiara!
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Helen, if Amelia refuses to accept the throne, then Genovia will cease to exist as we know it.
- Helen Thermopolis: So the future of your country is in the hands of my 15-year-old?
- Helen Thermopolis: This is getting us nowhere! Talk to me!
- Mia: I can't talk to you right now; I'm late for a meeting with my guidance counselor.
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: I'm late for a meeting with Spain and *Portugal*!
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: [teaching Mia to walk like a princess] We don't slump like this!
- [slumps past the doorway]
- Mia: Hey, Joe?
- Joe: Mm-Hmmm?
- Mia: I'm gonna turn the backseat into a dressing room so I can change into a proper outfit for Madame, OK?
- Joe: OK. And don't forget your shoes.
- Mia: Ahh, thanks.
- Joe: Strange town, San Francisco. When I purchased the pumps, they asked if I wanted them wrapped or if I was going to wear them.
- Helen Thermopolis: Mia, the-the three of us have to talk.
- Mia: Oh, OK. Um, is there maybe something else about me and my life that just maybe I might want to know about? Um-oh no, are you two waiting to take me on a talk show somewhere and to let me know I have a twin sister who's a duchess?
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: You have a cousin who's a contessa. Fondly known as Bartholomew. Actually, we call him Pookie.
- Mia: [Responding to Lilly's insults] Lilly! Just stop it, okay? Just because your hair sucks, get off mine!
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Do we have any problems?
- Charlotte Kutaway: [overly enthusiastically] No, everything's perfect. Perfect. It's wonderful.
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: You're not very good at lying, Charlotte.
- Charlotte Kutaway: No, I'm not, your Majesty.
- Mia: [on her green bathing suit] Okay I look like an asparagus.
- Helen Thermopolis: But a very, very cute asparagus!
- Mia: Now, what did you want to tell me?
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: Something that, I think, will have a very big impact upon your life.
- Mia: I already have braces.
- Queen Clarisse Renaldi: No, it's bigger than orthodontia.
- Vice Principal Gupta: [the cheerleaders freak out when a baseball bounces their way] Oh come on girls, it's a ball not a snake. Back in formation!
- Mia: Tell me, how does my mother, or any person for that matter, go into a parent/teacher conference and come out with a date?
- Lilly: Michael, don't always think you could get a ride with us and...
- [sees Mia's new look]
- Lilly: Oy. Who destroyed you?
- Mia: Oh. You-you think it looks that bad?
- Lilly: You look ridiculous. You should sue.
- Mia: Well um... I know it's a little straighter and shorter and...
- Lilly: Weirder!
- [Get's in limo]
- Michael: An attractive weirder.
- Lilly: No, it's not attractive!
- Joe: Seat belts, please.
- Lilly: What I really can't understand is that you ditched me again yesterday when I really needed your help at the greenpeace petition.
- [picks up bag]
- Lilly: These bags! You HAVE one of these bags? You know, we could hock that and feed a whole third world country!
- [Looks at Michael]
- Lilly: Am I right?
- Michael: No.
- Joe: If there are no more passengers, I think we should close the door.
- student: [PA announcement] Remember, virtual homework may not be submitted for actual credit.