- Hiwayne Suggs: Did I ever show you a picture of my sweet thing, Mr. Wilder? There she is, that's her.
- Webb Wilder: [narrating] I didn't think even Mars needed women *that* bad. Pristine Suggs was un-volumptuous.
- Webb Wilder: "URGENT!", the letter read. But it wasn't the same urgent as the one on all my bills. This letter read S.O.S.; somebody needed Webb Wilder.
- Webb Wilder: My destination was Wakefield, a one chiropracter town that seemed peaceful enough, but an ant bed is peaceful, 'till ya' step in it.
- Webb Wilder: Homer Greenspan had science fair written all over him. I first figured he was kin to Mrs. Moorefish, but upon talkin' to him, I found out he was just a junior college. Homer; I don't think he coulda' been kin to anybody.
- Webb Wilder: I'm like that Greek hobo with the lamp, you know, the one who wandered from Hades to Yogoslovakia looking for an honest man. Well, I've got my own quest. What it is, is, I'm looking for the dishonest man. 'Cause where there's crime there's a web to snag the crook and I'm the net. I am Webb Wilder, private eye.