- [Ronnie attends a religious cult meeting with Jeff Goldblum]
- Cult Leader Gleh'n: What does Jeff Goldblum want?
- Jeff Goldblum: I want my money back. And I want angels to give it to me. And pixies to count it out, and a gnome or a hobbit or an elf to sleep at the foot of my bed, and have - I just want them all over my backyard. But no matter what happens with any of that, I DO want my money back.
- Lead Chimney Sweep: Oh, there are sev'ral ways to irritate a lady. You could mention that 'er 'at's gone out-a style. Oh, that's sure to get 'er miffed, It's bound to cause a tiff, But 'ere's a lit'le trick to go the extra mile: Give 'er just a lit'le kick in the cunt.
- animated squirrel: A kick in the cunt?
- Lead Chimney Sweep: A kick in the cunt! Yes a very nice kick in the cunt. You'll sure have 'er stumped, When you go for the punt, With a jolly good kick in the cunt!
- Lead Chimney Sweep: Well, you might wanna stop 'er by clockin' 'er chompers, Or shock 'er by makin' a grab at 'er knockers, But she'll call the coppers and you'll end in jail, Where you'll eat bread and water and shit in a pail. So if you've enough of a womanly guff, No need to be rough, it'll be quite enough, To call her bluff with a huff and a puff, Just stuff your foot straight into her muff!
- Mandy Patinkin: [singing as Ronnie Dobbs] I thought that my home was my castle / With no one scrutinizing me / No pigs, no lyin' bitch, no hassle / Y'all are brutalizing' me / Can't a man not drink his beer in silence? / Can't a man not crudely lie and scream? / Can't a man not control his bitch with violence? / Y'all are brutalizing me
- Birthday Woman: Oh, Ronnie Dobbs. You are brilliant. You HAVE to do me a favor.
- Robbie Dobbs: At your service.
- Birthday Woman: Tell me to fuck off.
- Ronnie Dobbs: Huh?
- Birthday Woman's Friend: Come on, it's her birthday.
- Robbie Dobbs: Alright. Fuck you, bitch.
- Terry Twillstein: Have you read the letter's I'm getting. "Dear Ronnie, my name is Maurice. I am eight years old. I am your biggest fan. How come you are not so drunk anymore? My daddy says you were never drunk, but just a Hollywood phony. I told him he was wrong and he beat the shit out of me. Love, Maurice." Ronnie, I have stacks of these back at my office.
- Dot Lancaster: The movie you're about to see is not real. It is a movie. Do not act things out from it because you're disturbed or pissed off, you crazy son of a bitch.
- Ronnie: Man, I know they talking about beer, but I can think of another pair I'd like to grab. My balls.
- Ronnie Dobbs: It's glorious, like an angel's sparkling lugie.
- Ronnie Dobbs: I'm gonna go out in this world and get everything I can get. I mean, I'm gonna be rich, super rich. I mean, I'm gonna be spending money like a chimp in a beat-off contest.
- Mary Lynn Rajskub: I want a magenta horse... and I want to fly away with it... into a reddish background... and I want pixies, ohhh I want pixies...
- Cult Leader Gleh'n: Good, good. Those are all do-able.