- Tommy Ballenger: [to a reporter] I'd like to make a deal with the Anita Bryant people. You stop telling lies about us and we'll stop telling the truth about you.
- Tommy Ballenger: What do you want?
- Alan Oakley: I want to say I'm sorry.
- Tommy Ballenger: Absolution granted, go with God. We're done.
- Tommy Ballenger: What part of fuck off, drop dead, go to Hell, you're not getting a Christmas card did you not understand, hmm?
- Beverly: So, Alan tells me you're a homosexual.
- Tommy Ballenger: Only because there was nothing good on television.
- Beverly: Well, I just find it so intriguing.
- Tommy Ballenger: Not always, Liberace for example.
- Beverly: Liberace is a homosexual?
- Tommy Ballenger: Sadly, yes.
- Tommy Ballenger: So what do you two have planned on the menu, a menage-a-trois?
- Beverly: Oh, no. Alan hates French food.
- Peter Baxter: Could you be any more of an alcoholic?
- Mary Oakley: Well I'll give it a shot, but I'm not making any promises.
- Peter Baxter: I respect all of Alan's interests, I just don't like having them shoved down my throat.
- Mary Oakley: That's the first time I've heard you complain about my son shoving anything down your throat.
- Peter Baxter: I'm not quite sure how to take that.
- Mary Oakley: Said the altar boy to the bishop.
- Tommy Ballenger: So what made you want to become a writer?
- Alan Oakley: It's always been my dream since a child. When did you first realize you were gay?
- Tommy Ballenger: It's always been my dream since a child.
- Ted Oakley: So how do the two of you know each other?
- Alan Oakley: Umm...the young republicans club.
- Tommy Ballenger: Ya, I just love Dick.
- Alan Oakley: [proceeds to spray his coffee over the kitchen table, recovers] Ah! Too much sugar!
- Mary Oakley: [in an exaggerated tone] Hey, son. I'm supposed to talk some sense into you.
- Alan Oakley: Mom, I need to get out of here.
- Mary Oakley: [in the exaggerated tone] Makes sense to me.
- [in her normal tone]
- Mary Oakley: Take care of yourself, give my love to Tommy.