- Jackie: I'm calling from a pay phone because I can't get my piece of sh*t cell phone to work unless I stand on my head with my fingers up my ass!
- [during a game of Pyramid with Jackie and Bret]
- Eli Wyckoff: The ex-football player who allegedly killed his wife.
- Tom: Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Allegedly? What are you, nuts?
- [last lines]
- Tom: And the thing about Rhett Butler...
- Eli Wyckoff: Yeah?
- Tom: He wasn't very fuzzy. Was he?
- [discussing the bad dates Brett's set Eli up on]
- Brett Miles Sanford: Look I know it didn't go all so, you know, that well last time with... Richard, was it?
- Eli Wyckoff: Rita! From UPS. She was a woman!
- Brett Miles Sanford: Whatever, she was still gay. That's your problem, you're so picky.
- [discussing Eli's bad date with Tom the previous night]
- Eli Wyckoff: He kept saying, "You do the math," even when it made no sense sense. What a turn-off.
- Brett Miles Sanford: What's the turn-on? According to your mother you haven't had a hard-on since she first took you to see THE NUTCRACKER at the Jewish Community Center in first grade.
- Eli Wyckoff: Stop talking to my mother about my sex life.
- Brett Miles Sanford: What sex life?
- Eli Wyckoff: I have one!
- Brett Miles Sanford: Uh huh, right.
- [makes jerking off motions]
- Eli Wyckoff: Ok, y'know, it counts. I spent 10 years learning which buttons to push, now I just have to look at myself and I cum.
- Brett Miles Sanford: Eww.
- [Eli's mother has just left an embarrassing message on his machine that Tom overheard]
- Eli Wyckoff: Oh my God, I'm gonna go to the bathroom now and hope to God that I can overdose on Tums, or Maalox, or pine-scented Glade.
- Tom: Jackie would love this bear... Fuzzy Wuzzy was a bear, Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair, Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy, was he? Was he? Was he? Was he? Was he?
- Eli Wyckoff: [interrupting him] Was he, was he, WAS he!
- Tom: That's what I said
- Eli Wyckoff: No, no. You said "Was heeeee?" It's "WAS he"
- Tom: What's the difference?
- Eli Wyckoff: You're kidding, right? You just established that Fuzzy Wuzzy had no hair; why would you then ask "Was heeee?" like a question, like you didn't know if he was fuzzy or not?
- Tom: It *is* a question, I'm asking if Fuzzy is or isn't fuzzy, what is so wrong about that?
- Eli Wyckoff: It is a rhetorical question, it's supposed to be ironic! "Fuzzy Wuzzy wasn't very fuzzy... *was* he?"
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