- Adam Hansen: Cellphone is to teenager what coffin is to vampire.
- Chelsea Hansen: And mom's the remote!
- Adam Hansen: Yes, grasshopper. Now help me get this downstairs.
- Chelsea Hansen: [Try to lift heavy coffin] This is where the whole cellphone-coffin analogy breaks down.
- Adam Hansen: You're Wolfsbane?
- Dimitri Denatos: I know, all the good vampire names have been taken. By teenagers...
- Taylor Hansen: I'm not going to let Dimitri turn Mom into an onion.
- Chelsea Hansen: A what?
- Adam Hansen: A minion, I told him vampires turn people into minions.
- Adam Hansen: [reading through personals' ads to find their mom a date] Currently incarcerated, what does that mean?
- Chelsea Hansen: In prison.
- Malachi Van Helsing: Where would you go around here if you wanted to dance?
- Taylor Hansen: How would I know? I'm 8.