- Ben: So that's what I was, huh? I was a guinea pig. Somebody you can test your theories on?
- Andie: Yeah, and I was just a girl somebody picked out in a bar.
- Ben: Yeah, you know what? Big deal. Hell, now you can even use it as a little twist in your story.
- Andie: That's a good idea. Maybe we should bet on it.
- Ben: You know what, you did your job now, Andie.
- Andie: Yes, I did.
- Ben: You wanted to lose a guy in ten days, congratulations, you did it. You just lost him.
- [walks away]
- Andie: No I didn't Ben, 'cause you can't lose something you never had!
- Andie: [thrusts herself onto Ben] Does Princess Sophia want to come out and play?
- Ben: Who's Princess Sophia?
- [Andie points at his crotch]
- Ben: Nah-nah-nah, nah! Whoa, whoa, you're kidding me, right? Princess Sophia?
- Andie: Little, big, little, big? I don't know. We will find out!
- Ben: Alright listen, you can't name my... my member Princess Sophia.
- Andie: Yes, I can!
- Ben: Listen, if you are gonna name m... my member, alright, you gotta name it something hyper masculine, okay? Something like a Spike, a Butch, a Krull the Warrior King!
- Thayer: Is she on something?
- Ben: God I hope so.
- [Moves his finger in circles next to his head, to indicate that he thinks Andie is crazy]
- Andie: Are you saying I'm some kind of mental person?
- [Andie is holding a platter of veggies and flings them at the guys and the middle of the poker table, then tosses the platter onto the table]
- Ben: Excuse me, ma'am.
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Holy crap!
- Ben: Where's Andie Anderson?
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Uh, she's not here.
- Ben: Where is she?
- Michelle Rubin: She quit.
- Jeannie Ashcroft: She's got an interview in Washington.
- Ben: When is she leaving?
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Today.
- Ben: When?
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Well, like, now.
- Ben: You're not a therapist, are you?
- Michelle Rubin: Oh, haha... no.
- Ben: Good job, though. You owe me three hundred bucks.
- Glenda: Now Andie, I hope you know that we expect you to come back here because you have held Ben to his lowest bullshit score since his tonsillectomy and we are thrilled!
- Jack: LOWEST!
- Andie: Why, were all his other girlfriends bullshit losers?
- Glenda: What other girlfriends? You are the first girl he ever brought home! Don't you break his heart now!
- Michelle Rubin: So, tell me, how long have you guys been seeing each other?
- Andie: Seven days.
- Michelle Rubin: Seven days. Interesting.
- Ben: Is that too soon to be seeing a therapist?
- Andie: Well, Ben, seven days isn't like a lifetime, or anything...
- Ben: It's like a week.
- Thayer: That it?
- Tony: That's it?
- Ben: [points to purse on desk] That's it.
- Tony: Have you looked inside?
- Ben: No.
- Thayer: Do you have an ethical problem with rifling through a woman's purse?
- Ben: Uhh, yeah, I guess I do.
- Tony: Well, it's hardly a purse, dude, it's more like a... clutch or something.
- Ben: Guys, a woman's purse, alright, it's her secret source of power. Alright? There are many dark and dangerous things in there, that we, the male species, should know nothing about.
- DeLauer Security: Look, just give me back the necklace, then you guys can go on and kill each other.
- Ben: Look, look, look, wait a minute. The one night we even thought about having sex, all right, she up and decides she's going to nickname my...
- Michelle Rubin: Penis?
- Ben: Yeah. "Princess Sophia." You want to talk about shooting a man's horse? Whop! Come on!
- Michelle Rubin: Oh, you are never going to pull this off.
- Andie: Watch me. Tonight, I'll hook a guy. Tomorrow, pull the switch. Before the ten days are up, I'm going to have this guy running for his life.
- Jeannie Ashcroft: You're not going to burn his apartment down or bite him, or anything?
- Andie: No! I'm going to limit myself to doing everything girls do wrong in relationships. Basically, everything we know guys hate. I'll be clingy, needy...
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Be touchy-feely.
- Andie: Yeah.
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Ooh, call him in the middle of the night and tell him everything you had to eat that day.
- Michelle Rubin: What's wrong with that?
- [Andie & Jeanie stare at Michelle]
- Michelle Rubin: I'm kidding.
- Ben: That's what I'm talking about. Where's the sexy, cool, fun, smart, beautiful Andie that I knew? The one that wanted to be a serious journalist? You're up, you're down, you're here, you're there, you're like a frickin' one woman circus.
- [Andie is making Ben's place girly, putting "chick" CDs in his CD player]
- Andie: Sheryl, Tori, Sinead, Jewel, Fiona, Carly... Gang's all here!
- [Andie starts crying when Ben places food in front of her]
- Ben: Hey, what's wrong?
- Andie: Nothing. It's beautiful.
- Ben: Thank you.
- Andie: You're beautiful. The game, the whole thing. It's just... I wish I ate meat. Mary had a little lamb, little lamb... You have to take it away before I gag.
- [Andie dry heaves]
- Andie: [crying at restaurant after waitress asks if everything is okay] My boyfriend thinks I'm fat!
- [flicks food at Ben]
- Andie: And I can't eat in front of him! I can't eat in front of you! I have to go to the bathroom.
- Ben: [receives dirty looks from other customers] Honey, I don't think you're fat! I don't think she's fat!
- Andie: I don't think I can be with someone who doesn't like animals and thinks I'm a mental person
- [waves her fingers and goes cross eyed]
- Sensitive Moviegoer: Now, I'm going to go back inside and finish watching "Sleepless in Seattle". Nobody screw with me.
- [repeated line]
- Several characters: Bullshit!
- Andie: Why do they always forget my bacon?
- Jeannie Ashcroft: I can't believe you got that guy knocked out.
- Andie: Only for a few seconds.
- Lana Jong: Andie, I am loving your notes on this piece.
- Andie: [with her mouth full] Thank you, Lana.
- Lana Jong: When are you seeing him again?
- Andie: Tonight. He's inviting me over to his house for dinner.
- Lana Jong: Excellent! I've got a feeling about this one.
- Michelle Rubin: I hate it when she pops her head in like that.
- Andie: I never noticed it.
- Lana Jong: A-hem. I heard that. And Andie, tonight take smaller bites.
- Andie: Thank you, Lana.
- Michelle Rubin: Oh, my God!
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Disgusting! I can barely eat over here.
- [Andie takes an even bigger bite]
- Andie: I have to crack this guy. I mean this is Defcon 5, and I have to do something truly appalling. It's not funny.
- [Michelle and Jeanie laugh even harder]
- Lana Jong: Who's that chic Buddhist Richard Gere is always cavorting with?
- Jeannie Ashcroft: The Dali Lama?
- Lana Jong: He's fabulous!
- Jack: [Jack is introducing Andie to the family] You gotta watch him, he farts like a howitzer. But he's family, what are you gonna do?
- Uncle Arnold: Intestinal complication!
- [first lines]
- Jeannie Ashcroft: [reading] "And only then will the people of Tajikistan know true and lasting peace." Andie, it's brilliant. It's really moving. But it's never going to appear in Composure Magazine.
- Michelle Rubin: Why this place?
- Jeannie Ashcroft: It's perfect. Hi, Ingrid.
- Mullen's Hostess: Hi.
- Jeannie Ashcroft: Mullen's is the apres-work watering hole for the upwardly mobile.
- Andie: [wraps a diamond chocker around her wrist] This is real?
- Mr. DeLauer: Oh, no, no, no, no. I insist. Such beauty should be celebrated.
- [referring to the necklace he's holding up]
- Mr. DeLauer: Isadora.
- Andie: Oh no, I'm Andie.
- Mr. DeLauer: And a pleasure to meet you, Andie, but this is Isadora. Turn.
- [puts the necklace around Andie's neck]
- Mr. DeLauer: 84 karats, named for Isadora Duncan.
- Green: [referring to Andie] Congratulations. You got her here.
- Ben: Yup.
- Green: But the question remains.
- Spears: Does she or doesn't she?
- Ben: We're gonna find out.
- Mr. DeLauer: An angel of God.
- Andie: Thanks.
- Mr. DeLauer: I am Frederic.
- Andie: [shakes hand] Andie Anderson.
- Spears: Well, it looks like you've got some competition, anyway.
- Mr. DeLauer: Miss Anderson will be wearing Isadora for the evening. Enjoy the party, Andie.
- [kisses her hand]
- Andie: Merci beaucoup.