- Drew Latham: Please! Please, let me stay here!
- Tom Valco: No!
- Drew Latham: I'll pay you.
- Tom Valco: My family's not for sale, pal.
- Drew Latham: I'll pay you $250,000!
- Tom Valco: Welcome home, son.
- [last lines]
- Missy Vanglider: Daddy, stop the car! Oh, my God!
- Letitia Vanglider: Oh, my God!
- Horace Vanglider: He's kissing his sister.
- Letitia Vanglider: That is open mouth!
- Horace Vanglider: 'Tis the season to be jolly, honey.
- Letitia Vanglider: Oh, God! Get us out of here!
- Horace Vanglider: Maybe they're trying to keep warm.
- Letitia Vanglider: Let's get out of here! Come on!
- Christine Valco: Tom, that guy is still here.
- Tom Valco: Yeah, I know.
- Christine Valco: Why is he still here?
- Tom Valco: He's giving us $250,000 to be his family for Christmas.
- Christine Valco: And you agreed to this without asking me?
- Tom Valco: Of course I did, he's giving us $250,000!
- Christine Valco: And how would you like it if I agreed to something like this without asking you?
- Tom Valco: Well, that would depend. Would we be getting $250,000?
- Drew Latham: Hey, Dad.
- Christine Valco: He's talking to you, genius.
- Tom Valco: Yeah, Drew?
- Drew Latham: Would you do me a kindness? Put this hat on. My dad always used to wear a Santa hat when we went Christmas tree shopping.
- Tom Valco: [laughs] In public?
- Drew Latham: Yeah.
- Tom Valco: Yeah, that would be no. And in private, that would be no, too.
- Drew Latham: Please wear the hat.
- Tom Valco: No. I'm not wearing the hat.
- Drew Latham: Tom, you gotta wear the hat.
- Tom Valco: I'm not wearing the hat.
- Drew Latham: Wear the hat, Tom.
- Tom Valco: I'm not wearing the hat. Now get it away from me before I shove it up your ass!
- Drew Latham: Tom, are you familiar with the phrase "breach of contract"?
- Tom Valco: Give me the hat!
- Tom Valco: [shouts] Brian, get down here and eat your dinner, will you?
- Brian Valco: I'm not hungry!
- Tom Valco: Yeah, you are!
- Christine Valco: Stop yelling at me.
- Tom Valco: I'm not yelling at you. Brian!
- Christine Valco: [shouts] Brian! Get down here please, so your father can stop not yelling at me!
- Brian Valco: I'm busy!
- Tom Valco: I told you, we shouldn't have put the computer up in his room. He's gonna spend all his time there.
- Christine Valco: Oh, Tom. Welcome to the future, dear. He's advancing his skills. One day that computer's gonna get our baby a good job.
- Tom Valco: Trust me. What he's doing up there, nobody's gonna pay him for, 'cause if they did, I'd have retired at seventeen.
- Doo-Dah: Holy cow. What are you looking at?
- Brian Valco: [nervously] This is just, it's research.
- Doo-Dah: When I was young, we didn't sit in our rooms drooling over nude ladies on computers. No, sir., we had to go behind the barn with the dirty girl and pay her a quarter so she could show us her goodies.
- [looks at the mouse]
- Doo-Dah: How does this work?
- Brian Valco: Oh, well. Here, let me... What are you into? Hot Cheerleaders, Three-Way Fun?
- Doo-Dah: Uh-uh.
- Brian Valco: Middle-Aged Hotties?
- Doo-Dah: [after Brian shows him an online link to "Middle Aged Hotties] Now you're talking my language. Old enough to know how it's done and young enough to still want to do it.
- Brian Valco: That's gross.
- Doo-Dah: [as the image on the computer is slowly loading] Ooh. Come to papa. That's not bad, right?
- [Brian and Doo-Dah realize the woman in the picture on the website is Christine]
- Doo-Dah: Dude, it's your mom!
- Brian Valco: [horrified at what he just saw before slipping into a catatonic state] Oh, my God!
- Tom Valco: I think your mom's starting to like your grandfather hitting on her.
- Drew Latham: There's a sentence you don't often hear on Christmas Eve.
- [first lines]
- Drew Latham: Folks, my firm's done a tremendous amount of marketing research and we've discovered two critical things, one; most Americans feel that Christmas is a time for family. Two; most Americans feel that in order to stand being around their family, for even one or two days, they need to swill as much alcohol as humanly possible.
- Drew Latham: Wow, I can't believe it. This is amazing. This is exactly how I remember it.
- Brian Valco: You mean, you're saying it was always a shithole?
- Drew Latham: Hey, Alicia! Want to go toboganning with me?
- Alicia Valco: Oh, I'm sorry Drew. Have I been sending you mixed signals?
- Drew Latham: [laughs] You know, I just thought instead of maybe laying around the house all day, you might actually wanna have some fun.
- Alicia Valco: No thanks.
- Drew Latham: Oh, I see. You're afraid of fun. You don't like having fun!
- Alicia Valco: Of course I like fun. Everybody likes fun... it's fun!
- Drew Latham: So then, why won't you go with me?
- Alicia Valco: Because it'll be with you.
- Alicia Valco: You know what? There's nothing that you can do about those Christmases, but the one that you can do something about, the one that's here and now, you just spent that destroying my family.
- Drew Latham: Alicia, just for the record, I didn't destroy your family.
- Alicia Valco: What are you talking about?
- Drew Latham: Your parents are splitting up. It's obvious. Brian knows it. That's why he spends all his time in his room on his computer. You just didn't wanna see it. I can understand that.
- [Brian comes out of his catatonic state by throwing his computer monitor from the top of the stairs]
- Brian Valco: [about seeing Christine on a pornography website] Some things cannot be unseen!
- Drew Latham: Did you hear that? That stair squeaked. You know what we used to call that squeaky stair? The squeaky stair!
- Drew Latham: Mom, you wanna stick with Doo-Dah?
- Christine Valco: Why me?
- Drew Latham: He's your father.
- Doo-Dah: How come you never call?
- Drew Latham: You do know that's a bra you're putting in Brian's drawer, right?
- Christine Valco: Yeah, that's your brother. He's 15, he likes to experiment. We still love him though.
- Doo-Dah: [performing "A Christmas Carol" onstage] But how can we go? I'm liable to fall out the window.
- Christmas Present: Then we go another way. We fly!
- Doo-Dah: [cables are hoisting both up] Wedgie! Wedgie!
- Tom Valco: [at the play watching Doo-Dah] Christine.
- Christine Valco: Hm?
- Tom Valco: If I were to leave, I wouldn't know where to go.
- Christine Valco: So why leave?
- Tom Valco: That's what I'm saying, I don't want to leave.
- Christine Valco: Then don't.
- Tom Valco: Okay, I won't. Is that all right with you?
- Christine Valco: [turns to him and smiles] Yeah. It's fine with me.
- [they take each other's hands during the play]
- [Everyone gathers into Brian's room, as he is on his computer, unaware of their presence]
- Christine Valco: This was little Drew's room, now, it's Brian's.
- [yells at Brian, who is catatonic]
- Christine Valco: Brian, don't be rude. We have guests.
- [turns to everyone]
- Christine Valco: He'd live in front of the screen if we'd let him right, Tom? It's that insatiable appetite for knowledge.
- [Christine gets closer and sees a catatonic Brian staring at her glamour shot on a pornography website]
- Christine Valco: [embarrassed at the sight] Oh shit! Brian!, what have you done!
- [Christine's embarrassment turns to panic after she realizes Tom is looking at it too]
- Christine Valco: Tom, I don't know what that is!
- Tom Valco: I do, it's my wife on my son's computer shooting a "V" for victory with her legs.
- Drew Latham: [trying to coax the Vangliders into staying] Wait a minute! There's more of Mom's Christmas buffet.
- Letitia Vanglider: If you think we're staying after that display, think again. Trollops who pose for dirty pictures, various incestuous overtones and old, unexplained men. This is without a doubt the worst Christmas I've...
- Horace Vanglider: [interrupts] Oh, shut up, Letitia!
- Letitia Vanglider: What?
- Horace Vanglider: I'll tell you what. I've put up with your high and mighty act for years but they don't have to. I don't remember you being superior when you got knocked up by Skippy Altsheller and then tricked me into marrying you.
- Missy Vanglider: [shocked at the revelation] Oh, my God!
- Horace Vanglider: I'm sorry, Missy.
- Letitia Vanglider: Missy, darling, it's not true. You were premature.
- Horace Vanglider: Oh, come on, Letitia!
- [looks at Drew]
- Horace Vanglider: Tell your mother thanks, Drew and Merry Christmas.
- [Missy shows Alicia the bracelet she got from Drew]
- Missy Vanglider: I want you to see the bracelet Drew got me.
- Alicia Valco: [sarcastically] Ooh, Cartier, huh? Wow. Look at that. That's just beautiful.
- [Alicia looks over at Drew in disgust]
- Alicia Valco: Well, that's my brother, just never afraid to put a price tag on his feelings.
- Drew Latham: [annoyed] Ah. That's my sister. Never understanding there's love, you can care and want to show it in a big way, and you shouldn't be put down and mocked, and made hurt feelings.
- Alicia Valco: When you love somebody, you don't have to show it in a big way.
- Drew Latham: So you were slumming when you were making out with me in the kitchen?
- [the room goes quiet after Drew's revelation to Alicia in front of Missy]
- [Christine tries to explain about getting her glamour shots, which in turn wound up being on a pornography website seen by everyone]
- Christine Valco: Lighten up, it's just a picture. I had pictures taken for fun.
- Tom Valco: [angrily] And where would you get such a stupid idea?
- [Christine and Tom both glance at Drew angrily , after realizing it was his idea]
- [Drew is feeling overwhelmed at the Vangliders impromptu Christmas visit]
- Drew Latham: [in an exhausted voice] I can't do it. I cannot do it.
- Christine Valco: My family's this close to $350,000, You're not gonna weasel out now! Put some maple syrup on the ham.
- Missy Vanglider: I would love to see pictures of Drew when he was small.
- Drew Latham: Oh, we're not gonna bore everyone, that's embarrassing.
- Christine Valco: Good idea.
- [Christine passes over what is obviously a picture of Alicia as a baby]
- Christine Valco: Bath time for baby.
- Drew Latham: Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Missy Vanglider: Look at him.
- Letitia Vanglider: [realizing the baby in the picture is Alicia and not Drew] Drew, are you sure that's you?
- Drew Latham: Oh, that's me all right. I remember it well. That was in autumn and the photographer...
- Letitia Vanglider: No, I don't think so, there's no little dingle.
- Christine Valco: Drew wants a family Christmas, so we're gonna be his family.
- Alicia Valco: That's insane.
- Drew Latham: Tell me about it. I never had a sister, so this is bullshit right here.
- Christine Valco: [to Alicia] Okay. You are my illegitimate love child.
- Alicia Valco: [disgusted] Mom!
- Christine Valco: [to Drew] And you had no idea about her.