- Kiki: [imitating Gwen] "Oh, Kiki, my butter has touched another food. I need new butter." "Anything you want, honey." That's the way it goes, Lee. Right? You're a publicist, you know. Anything they want, right? She's got a green dress. Looks like crap on her. Brings out the circles under her eyes, she knows it, I know it. She gave it to me. It actually looks pretty nice on me. Then she said, well, maybe she wanted it back, you know? She doesn't want it, she just doesn't want me to have it. That's the truth.
- Danny: You like Eddie, don't you?
- Lee: I love him.
- Danny: But you leaked the tape.
- Lee: Survival rule number three, kid: You're not here to love anybody. You're here to promote a movie. That's it. Period. Say you're here and you get word that your mother died. You know, like, hit by a bus or something. You go downstairs, you shed a tear, and you say, "It's a shame. She would have loved this movie."
- Kingman: I spent eighty-six million dollars of the studio's money on twenty seconds of titles. That's all he sent me. The *titles*! And a note: "Dave, we could also do these in blue."
- [angrily crumples the note and hurls it to the floor]
- Kingman: We *had* to make a Hal Weidmann picture!
- Davis: The man's won three Oscars. He's a genius.
- Kingman: No! There's only been one genius in this business, and that was Señor Wences! A little lipstick, some hair, and his hand, and the guy had a career for eighty-five years!
- Hal Weidmann: Love is a bridge built between two people. We want what exists between them to be real. My name is Hal Weidmann. The film you're about to see is "Time Over Time", or is it? The details are unimportant. Simply put, the script was shit. I tossed it. I instead decided to let the camera capture real life. I filmed my actors without their knowledge. I let the camera run after takes. I placed hidden cameras around the set. The end result is a story far more involving than anything manufactured by actors and writers. This is real life. The juice. The stink. The glory.
- Kiki: [imitating Gwen] Kiki? Kiki-kins? Who's smoking? I smell smoke. Is someone smoking within a six mile radius of where I'm standing? Stop them, Kiki, stop them!
- Wellness Guide: We have a saying, Edward: "Mecka lecka halava, beem sala beem."
- Eddie: What is that? Bean salad?
- Wellness Guide: "Mecka lecka halava, beem sala beem."
- Eddie: What does that mean?
- Wellness Guide: I don't know what it means, it's very old.
- Lee: [on the phone] Hello, darling, can I have Holly Golightly's cottage, please?
- Danny: Who's that?
- Lee: It's Gwen's code name. It's from "Breakfast at Tiffany's".
- Danny: Oh. What's that?
- Lee: It's a movie, it's a great movie. Hepburn?
- Danny: Right. Katharine.
- [pause]
- Lee: Let me tell you something. Don't tell anybody you're in the movie business. Okay? Thank you.
- Kiki: You know what this is? This is high school all over again. Nothing has changed. You wanted to break up with one of your boyfriends in high school, did you do it? No! You made me do it.
- Gwen: I did not!
- Kiki: Oh, please! Let's just refresh your memory. Robert Mancuta?
- Gwen: Eww!
- Kiki: Kyle Hassler?
- Gwen: Oh, God...
- Kiki: Toby Franks? Half the lacrosse team? Ring a bell? Huh? By the end of the year, I was the most hated girl in school.
- Gwen: That's not true.
- Kiki: My quote in the yearbook was, "Hey, we have to talk." I was despised.
- Lee: They liked the movie. The press actually liked this crazy movie. They're calling it the "Blair Bitch Project".
- Wellness Guide: This letter, Edward, is a very important part of the healing process. By writing to your mother, you afford yourself the opportunity to thank her, or forgive her, or to ask her why she did the things she did. Now we don't mail the letter, but the simple act of putting it on paper frees you, allows you to let go. Now... what did you say to your mother?
- Eddie: [reading] "Dear Mom, Fuck you."
- Wellness Guide: Okay. We'll try the letter some other time.
- Lee: You look fabulous!
- Kiki: Thank you.
- Lee: Look at you! What did you do? Is it your hair? What is it?
- Kiki: It's my hair, and, uh... I had a little sun...
- Gwen: [bored] She lost sixty pounds.
- [pause]
- Kiki: And... And... And I lost a little weight.
- Lee: I see that. Yeah. You look terrific!
- Kiki: Thank you.
- Lee: Sixty pounds?
- Kiki: Yeah.
- Lee: That's a Backstreet Boy!
- Leaf Weidmann: Can I defend my father's work?
- Gwen: No, you cannot. Who's her father?
- Lee: Hal.
- Gwen: No, you cannot!
- Leaf Weidmann: Well, at least let me defend Hector. I only slept with him once, but I know his penis is bigger than a roll of quarters.
- [crowd gasps]
- Gwen: [to Hector] You slept with her?
- Hector: No! I did not...
- Gwen: You slept with her!
- Hector: No! No, she is lying!
- [grabs the microphone]
- Hector: Except for the part about my penis. That's true. It's bigger than coins.
- Eddie: [at the Junket Interview] Look, Byron, I want to be honest with you. Before I came down from the room, I took a half a pound of Vicodin, so I'm going to be really comfortable until about late March.
- Narrator: Eddie Thomas and Gwen Harrison: America's Sweethearts.
- Eddie: I blew it. I lost her.
- Lee: Guy goes to his rabbi. He says, "I think my wife's trying to poison me." Rabbi says, "Let me talk to her." Comes back a little later and says, "Listen, I spoke to your wife for three hours. Take the poison." You get it? You and Gwen are over.
- Eddie: I don't care about Gwen! I'm talking about Kiki.
- Hector: I really want to play a character like the Terminator, you know, because I think the Hispanic people are crying out to see a deadly, destructive, killing machine that they can embrace as their own, you know, that they can relate to...
- Eddie: Kiki! Hold on, hold on, I want to talk. Come on...
- Kiki: Let go of me!
- Eddie: Just... I want to talk to you!
- Kiki: I don't want to talk to you!
- Eddie: Why not?
- Kiki: Because you're an idiot!
- Eddie: Well?
- Kiki: You know what? For that matter, I'm an idiot, too. In that respect, we're actually quite perfect for each other.
- Eddie: This is a very complicated situation...
- Kiki: Well, let me uncomplicate it for you, huh? Forget about what happened between us, Eddie. It's not going to work, all right? I mean, last night... last night was great. But then she calls you this morning, and you just cannot wait to get out the door to get to her! What is that? It's just not going to work, 'cause you will probably always be thinking about her, and I will probably always be wondering if you were thinking about her. I just... I just need you to know one thing.
- Eddie: What?
- Kiki: That woman that you saw by the pool the other night...
- Eddie: Forget about that.
- Kiki: No, that woman that you just have to spend the rest of your life with...
- [beat]
- Kiki: That was me.
- Kiki: [Eddie has just told Gwen he's "not technically" seeing anyone] Well, that's fascinating. "Not technically"... hmm. That's, uh, that's sad, really. That's, uh... that's a shame.
- [Kiki slams her frying pan on the table in front of Gwen]
- Kiki: Here are your eggs, my darling sister, I hope that's runny enough for you. And you, you son of a bitch!
- [Kiki dumps the eggs in Eddie's lap]
- Kiki: Here are your eggs! There you go!
- Gwen: What the hell is wrong with you, Kiki?
- Kiki: A lot, actually, and you know, I cannot believe that it's taken me this long to figure it out! And... and... and I'm going to go for a long walk now, just to simmer down. But before I do, I would just like to cut through the bullshit. You see, sister, the reason why he's not *technically* seeing anyone is because he's still *technically* hung up on you.
- [turns to Eddie]
- Kiki: And you, you... moron! The only reason she's here, besides trying to salvage her precious career, is to serve you with divorce papers. There, I've said it! I've done all I can do here. I'm going for a walk because that's, you know... leaving is just something that I've really perfected over the years. And so, once more, with feeling!
- [Kiki storms out]
- Gwen: She was so much more fun when she was fat.
- Maura Klein: [laughing] Oh, you are funny! How do you live with him, Gwen?
- Eddie: [laughing] She doesn't! She lives with someone else!
- Lee: [on the phone] Hello? Hey, Gwen, it's Lee. Listen, I'm at the restaurant, and guess what? You're not! Are you okay?... Oh, that's too bad... No, no, Eddie's fine. He's with Kiki, and she looks unbelievable. It may be a little "hello, young lovers" for me, and I may have some fires to put out later, but hey, that's my problem, isn't it?... Have a nice night. Feel better. Okay. Bye.
- [hangs up]
- Lee: Five minutes.
- Danny: You're amazing.
- Lee: Take notes, kid.
- Kingman: [on the phone] Hi, Hal? How are you, darling? I've been thinking about you cause I... I wanted to... to... to send you a basket or something. How's the movie?
- Hal Weidmann: It's finding its way.
- Kingman: Well, do you think it could find its way to the studio? Because we have a few little things to do with it, like *finish* it.
- Hal Weidmann: It's finished, Dave.
- Kingman: Oh. Great! How is it?
- Hal Weidmann: My mother thinks it's the best thing I've ever done.
- Kingman: Can I speak with her?
- Hal Weidmann: No, Dave.
- Kingman: Can we send someone to pick it up, Hal?
- Hal Weidmann: You know, Dave, you haven't said anything yet about the titles.
- Kingman: Oh. Oh, I love them. I have no notes.
- Hal Weidmann: When's the press junket?
- Kingman: [apprehensively] Weekend of the 21st. Why?
- Hal Weidmann: Cause I want the press to be the first to see it.
- Kingman: No...
- Hal Weidmann: I'll bring it to the junket. We'll all experience it together.
- Kingman: No, Hal! No, no, no! No, no, I'm the head of the studio! I don't experience things with the press!
- Hal Weidmann: I'm hanging up now, Dave.
- Gwen: You love me.
- Eddie: Yes, I do. I do love you. I love that beautiful, bright, sexy woman up on the screen...
- Gwen: [to the crowd] See? He loves me.
- Eddie: Yeah, the girl I used to make movies with. But that's not the real you. That's you pretending to be real, which you're really good at. So when I'm with you in real life, I think I'm going to be with the real you, but I'm not. I'm with the real you that's with me right now, not the real you from the movies, and I don't want to be with... *you*.
- Lee: He's going to get through this thing okay, right?
- Wellness Guide: [hesitates] Life is a cookie.
- Lee: I'm going to take that as a yes.
- Dave: Remember the crazy guy in the woods?
- Davis: Ted Kaczynski.
- Dave: Who, the guy at Fox?
- Lee: The Unabomber.
- Dave: Yeah, the Unabomber. Okay? Remember how he lived in that little cabin?
- Lee: So?
- Dave: Hal Weidmann bought that cabin from the government and had it moved onto his property. That is where he edits his movies. That is his little, twisted, sicko office.
- Hector: Can I just say something please? Excuse me. What was said about my penis on the screen... that is completely false. Completely! I am extremely well hung. I will submit to a physical inspection right now.