- [Jack Taylor introduces his pet owl]
- Jack Taylor: This is O.J.
- Tom Stansfield: O.J.? Like the murderer?
- Jack Taylor: No, like the football player. O.J. Simpson.
- Jack Taylor: What's this I hear about you threatening to spray this play with an AK-47?
- Tom Stansfield: Oh... well, I was just making a joke.
- Jack Taylor: Oh that's funny to you? People dying? And what's this I hear about you making fun of midgets?
- Tom Stansfield: I never make fun of midgets!
- Jack Taylor: You said, it would be fun to date one because then you could rest your beer on their head, now I have a sense of humour, but that's just sick.
- T.J.: You rat me out, I'm gonna carve you like a turkey and beat your kids with what's left of you.
- Tom Stansfield: I don't have any kids.
- T.J.: I can wait.
- Tom Stansfield: I appreciate all your help, but could you make sure that your friends stay out of the house?
- Audrey Bennett: All of them or just the colored guy?
- Tom Stansfield: No, all of them.
- Audrey Bennett: Oh, that's smart. That way the colored guy won't take it personal.
- Audrey Bennett: Speed, tell Tom about Kennedy's assassination. This is so cool, Tom, Speed knows who killed JFK. No ask him, Tom, ask him! Ask him who killed him!
- Tom Stansfield: Alright, alright. Who killed JFK?
- Speed: Desi... Arnaz.
- [Tom sees a mouse running loose, runs away to catch it]
- Speed: [to Audrey] His life just changed.
- Jack Taylor: [to Audrey, his secretary] Are you retarded?
- [She stares at him]
- Jack Taylor: It's not a rhetorical question. Are you retarded?
- Jack Taylor: [opens door] Very good. Right on time.
- Tom Stansfield: Oh. Sir. Uh, ah, is that a bear-trap?
- Jack Taylor: Yes. It's to keep the neighbours' kids out of my yard.
- Audrey Bennett: Was that an owl?
- Tom Stansfield: Yes! O.J. got out! How is he flying?
- Audrey Bennett: Well, he is a bird.
- Lisa Taylor: [discovered Tom in compromising position] We're done. You must think I'm a complete idiot.
- Tom Stansfield: No! No! I'm telling you, I was just checking these girls for breast cancer!
- Lisa Taylor: You make me sick!
- Red Taylor: Look, the important thing is *somebody* has got to help Tom. You know that nothing that happened here tonight was any of his fault.
- [smirks]
- Red Taylor: It's funny, the nicest guy in the world is the only one with enough balls to stand up to Dad. All he wanted to do was to spend some time with you. Look what it gets him. Classic Dad. I'm not allowed in the house, you're not allowed out of it. He doesn't care about us. Only that stupid bird.
- Lisa Taylor: Can I tell you something?
- Red Taylor: Sure.
- Lisa Taylor: [shakes her head] I know this is gonna sound weird, but... ever since I was a little kid... I used to always wish that *I* was that stupid bird.
- [sobs]