- Gallagher: So women cannot keep a secret *but*, they can hold a fart. The reason I say this, I never met a woman that'd admit it was her. You go to a party, you smell a party fart. You ask around, it's never one of the girls. So, if you ever want to tell a woman a secret, whisper in her ass.
- Gallagher: I hate it when my heroes let me down! I hate it when they throw my admiration on the ground! So I'll be my own hero! I'll be my own man! I'm the only one I ever met that's really worth a damn.
- Gallagher: These companies think we're idiots, telling us soup is good food... soup isn't even food! Soup is what's left over in the dishwasher after a good meal.
- Gallagher: When the beer companies say 'know when to say when'... you don't ask a drunk to know when to say when! Why don't *you* guys say when to say when? *You're* the experts on beer! You're too drunk to drive when you can't carry a drink with you to the car.
- Gallagher: Why doesn't Madonna have a sex show, teaching kids about sex? 'Cause she's 'Like A Virgin'. Like *when*? First time I saw her dance I knew she screwed like an epileptic rabbit with the hiccups!