- [finding out he was on a gay cruise]
- Nick Ragoni: I wonder how many people made the same mistake as I did
- [looks around]
- Nick Ragoni: NO ONE! SHIT!
- [having found out they're on a gay cruise, Nick is trying to get himself and Jerry off the ship]
- Nick Ragoni: Excuse me, how do I get off really fast?
- Man on Deck: Try the Hole in One Room.
- Nick Ragoni: [to himself] I'm starting to think that's not a real driving range. In fact, I'm CONVINCED OF IT!
- Brian: Hey fuck you pal!
- Nick Ragoni: Fuck you back!
- Brian: Fuck your mother!
- Nick Ragoni: Oh yeah no one would wanna fuck my mother cause she's too damn ugly!
- [Turns to Jerry]
- Nick Ragoni: I just lost it there didn't I.
- Jerry Robinson: [while nodding] Ya.
- Game Show Host: And how about you, Bachelor #3? What's the most unusual place that *you* ever made love?
- Bachelor #3: Inside a woman.
- Lloyd Faversham: Would you like a bite of my sausage?
- [bites sausage]
- Lloyd Faversham: In England, we call them "bangers".
- Lloyd Faversham: Well then, you must try the Hole in One room.
- Jerry Robinson: They have an onboard driving range?
- Lloyd Faversham: Some of the men there do swing some very large clubs.
- Lloyd Faversham: You may think of me as simply a hard-partying old queen, but for *your information* I spent 32 years in the SAS, serving Her Majesty, the *real* Queen. I've been in five different theaters of war, done 490 jumps, 27 of them into hostile territory. I'm what you colonials might call a *bad-assed motherfucker*, who happens to be skilled in the fine art of Japanese flower-arranging!
- Nick Ragoni: [after seeing the Swedish Bikini Team on board] I must be dreaming. Somebody pinch me.
- Man on Deck: Sure, my pleasure.
- [pinchs Nick on the butt]
- Nick Ragoni: Ow! I didn't say on my ass!
- Man on Deck: You didn't *not* say it!
- Nick Ragoni: I didn't think I had to specify! Jesus!
- Lloyd Faversham: We must get together sometime. Go for a midnight swim. Do whatever feels right. That is what a gay cruise is all about.
- Nick Ragoni: [as realization sinks in] I see. Did you hear that, Jer? Whatever we feel like, we can do it. Because it's a gay cruise, Jer. Not a bi cruse, it's a gay cruise! Capital G, capital A, capital Y-M-C-A gay cruise!
- [about his controlling fiancée]
- Jerry Robinson: Now the only thing I have to decide for the rest of my life is if I want to be buried or cremated. Nope, I'm being buried next to Felicia... she told me this morning.