Quotes

Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law

Peanut: What's that, little birdie? "Caw-caw-caw..." Loosely translated: "Polly want a beating?"

Phil Ken Sebben: Now get out of here! I have to go back to reading everyone's emails... over the P.A. system.

Harvey Birdman: Debbie, we're going to need some law books. With pictures this time.

Harvey Birdman: Hmm. It says here that if a person's not married by the time he's 35, he's got a better chance of being robbed at gunpoint by a desperate and somewhat bloated Christian Slater.

Phil Ken Sebben: [reading employees' emails over the P.A. system] TO: Birdman, Harvey! FROM: Potamus, Peter! SUBJECT: That thing I sent you! BODY: You get that thing I sent you?

Bailiff: Hear ye, hear ye! All those with business before this court, step forward and ye shall be heard.
[Mentok's theme music starts up]
Bailiff: The right honorable Mentok presiding.
Mentok: [emerging from a purple cloud] Was I announced?
[Bailiff nods]
Mentok: And now! Kicking ass, and taking minds! *Mentok! The Mindtaker!*
[music abruptly cuts dead]
Mentok: Or was it the other one; the, uh, "Now presiding," blah-de-blah-de-blah-de-blah...?
Bailiff: Uh, w - We were running late, so I just thought... Y'know, the short one... Because it's shorter.
Mentok: Uh-huh. Okay, yeah. Bigger one next time, all right? Try the scary one... next time.

[Mentok is doing a magic show for his nephew's birthday party]
Child #1: Make a rabbit disappear!
Child #2: Do a trick!
Mentok: Nope! Got something much better.
[dons fortune teller's turban]
Mentok: Byooo-weeeeeeeee-oooo...
[points to successive children in turn]
Mentok: You: You're going to die in 23 years of a coronary embolism. You? You're going to live in Tuscany with your mother... *and your boyfriend!* You: Telemarketer. You: Lite FM radio DJ. You? You will raise poodles. And not the big kind that win prizes. No, the annoying little kind that go, "Bap! bap! bap! bap! bap! bap! bap!"

Harvey Birdman: [upon learning that he's George Jetson's great-great-great-great-great-grandfather] Then that means... that I'm your... This means I finally get to have sex!
[shouts]
Harvey Birdman: With a woman!
George Jetson: No, there are other ways.

Phil Ken Sebben: While I consider myself to be a benevolent-ish dictator, I have no choice but to introduce a battery of oppressive security measures.

Secret Squirrel: Never fear, madame, Secret Squirrel has just what you need right here!
[woman screams]
Secret Squirrel: Wait! I didn't even pull it out yet.

Peter Potamus: [speaking to the jury] That thing. That thing! Ladies and gentlemen, what you... are here to answer, the question that frankly is never far from my own mind is... Did... you... get... that... thing...
[clomp]
Peter Potamus: Did you get that thing... that-uh... I sent ya?
[poot]

Harvey Birdman: Avenger! My personal digital assistant!
[Avenger gives him his palm-pilot]
Harvey Birdman: How do you make a "T" again? Do you press that and leave it down, or...?

[Mentok loses patience as Spyro conducts a particularly inane examination of a witness]
Mentok: That's enough! Ooo-weeooo!
[summoning powers]
Mentok: Cheeseburger, french fries, chocolate shake! Somebody's mind I's about to take!
[Selecting among people in the court]
Mentok: Eeny, meeny, miney... *Mind-swap!*
[an unearthy voice utters Mentok's name as the mind of Spyro and a dog exchange bodies]
Mentok: You were saying?
Spyro: [*bark!*]
Mentok: Uh-huh. And...?
Dog: Honestly, your Honor, this is juvenile, even for you.
Mentok: I'm sorry; I can't hear you over this.
[blows wet raspberry]

[Phil is looking for the keys to his office]
Phil Ken Sebben: Let's see: Gum wrapper, pocket lint, lighter... Ooo! Flamethrower! Ring of power, dunno what that is, roll of quarters... Wait, that's not a roll of... Ah! Here they are!
[tries to unlock his office door]
Phil Ken Sebben: Okay... All right... Here we go... Aaaand, opening. On one. Next time. Spatial relationships. Okie-doke! Come to papa! Male end, female end...

Harvey Birdman: I'm going to need proof!
Peanut: Proof of what?
Harvey Birdman: Um... Evolution?
[they come across an unnamed governor suspiciously-reminiscent of George Wallace at the schoolhouse gates]
Peanut: I'd look elsewhere for that...

[Harvey has just realized he's being sued by all of the villains he's injured over the years; Potamus is staring straight ahead]
Harvey Birdman: Class-action suit? And the first thing you asked was whether or not they got that thing you sent them?
Peter Potamus: [short pause] Check out the ha-has on Ms. Stenopad.

Phil Ken Sebben: I've seen things you people wouldn't believe.
[points to left eye]
Phil Ken Sebben: And from this side only! The flight of a half-man, half-bird. Dinosaurs nuzzling their young in pastures where strip malls should be. Cookies on dowels... All those moments, lost in time... like... eggs off a hooker's stomach. Time to die...
[the duplicate Phil Ken Sebben is unceremoniously jammed into a woodchipper]

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