- Johnny Carson: As you all know by now, this is the 51st annual Academy Awards. Two hours of sparkling entertainment, spread out over a four-hour show.
- Johnny Carson: I would like to say, for the record, that I am in favor of using more American Indians and other minorities in motion pictures, I am against polluting the oceans of the world, I am for every nationality having its own homeland, I am against whacking baby seals on the head, and I am for saving the whales.
- Johnny Carson: Remember, ladies and gentlemen, nobody goes home empty-handed tonight. The losers all receive the new Oscar home game.
- George Burns: Look, just because I happen to be up here with this lovely young lady, I don't want you to think she's my date.
- Brooke Shields: That's true, I'm not his date.
- George Burns: No, it's just that we've made a movie together. It's called "Just You and Me, Kid." And you know how the studios like to spread those stories about stars being romantically involved.
- Brooke Shields: It sells tickets.
- George Burns: Kid, if we were romantically involved, *I'd* sell tickets.