Charlie Sheen credited as playing...
Tom
- George: Sue's teacher, Brenda. She's... She's dead.
- Tom: Oh. I better tell her.
- George: No, no, no. I can do it. Sue?
- Sue: Yes?
- George: You know your teacher, Miss Brenda?
- Sue: Yeah.
- George: She's dead!
- Sue: Aah!
- George: Gone forever! Died a horrible, painful death! Gone, gone, gone, just like your dog!
- Sue: My dog's dead?
- George: I just ran him over with the car when I drove in! Everyone you love around you is dying!
- Annie: Promise me you'll never remarry.
- Tom: I promise.
- Annie: And no sex, either.
- Tom: I'm sorry. I didn't catch that.
- Annie: No sex.
- Tom: Honey, you're not speaking clearly. Your injuries must be awful.
- Annie: No sex.
- Tom: Oh, cruel fate to shroud my wife's dying words in mystery.
- Annie: [shouts] No sex!
- Tom: Poor Annie. We hardly knew her. She'll be missed terribly.
- Annie: Oh, Jesus.
- Tom: That's right, honey. Go into the light.
- Annie: Look! Just tell George, swing away.
- Tom: Right. Swing away.
- Annie: Oh, sure. That you understand.
- [Gasps and dies]
- U-God: You stepped on my shoe, bitch!
- Redman: Man, call me a bitch again and I'll park your truck... dead in yo ass!
- Macy Gray: DAMN, HOMEY!
- CJ: [to the rappers] Hey yo, they comin! Over here!
- RZA: If I was you, son, I'd bust this shit right now!
- Method Man: Yo Momma!
- U-God: I got your number too, homey.
- Master P: He ain't gonna bust nuthin. I got nuts bigger than him.
- RZA: Oh, yeah? I'll roll up on you too... you country ass maple syrup biscuit eatin' nigga!
- Master P: Ya'll want some biscuits? You want some biscuits?
- [a shootout happens between all the gangster rappers; Macy Gray fires a rocket launcher killing all of them and herself]
- Tom: I cannot believe what just happened!
- President Harris: These men all died for their country. Send flowers to their bitches and hos.
- Alien #1: Wait please, we mean you no harm. We travel to your planet to find an evil little girl. We must destroy her before seven days.
- George: You mean... You watched the video tape?
- Alien #1: Our satellite caught up what we thought was Pootie Tang, that was a week ago. And now our entire race will die, unless the girl is destroyed.
- Tom: Aw, you see, they are peaceful.
- Mahalik: If they so peaceful, man, why were they choking us a few minutes ago?
- Alien #1: Oh... that's how we say hello.
- George: Well how do you guys say goodbye?
- [an alien kicks George in the groin]
- George: [in pain] I had to ask.
- Tom: [opening door] Sue?
- Sue: I can't sleep.
- Tom: Well, it's way past your bedtime.
- Sue: Won't you rock me to sleep in your big, strong arms? There's plenty of room under the covers. It's a hot night. You don't need to wear pajamas.
- Tom: Where is my daughter?
- Sue: Are you mad? I am your daughter.
- Tom: No you're not.
- [removes dress from daughter revealing it is really Michael Jackson]
- Trooper Champlin: It's your wife, Father. She's hurt.
- Tom: Annie?
- Trooper Champlin: She was hit by a truck and she's pinned against a tree.
- Tom: I don't understand.
- Trooper Champlin: As long as the truck has her pinned, she'll stay alive.
- Tom: I still don't get it.
- Trooper Champlin: [shows Tom hot dog] This... is your wife.
- [breaks hot dog in half]
- Tom: She broke her wiener?
- Trooper Champlin: Your faith will return. Just as sure as the sun will rise.
- Tom: Sounds like a long shot.
- Sayaman: I'm sorry about that night. If I hadn't fallen asleep while driving for that exact 20 minutes. If I hadn't drank that exact whole bottle of Jaegermeister. If only I hadn't killed that hooker.
- Tom: Sayaman. I don't see what any of this has to do with Annie.
- Sayaman: I'm sorry. Those were other nights. But if it had been that night, I might have missed her.
- Tom: [while in front of the door] Quick, we can get that plank of wood to jam underneath the door.
- [is hit in the balls by the plank of wood]
- Tom: [in pain] Oh, my balls.
- [George gives bowling balls to Tom and is hit in the balls again]
- Tom: [in pain] No, not those! Jesus!
- Tom: [Jesus is being bought to him, but Tom pushes George away] NO!
- Tom: I want to see Annie.
- Trooper Champlin: She's split in half.
- Tom: You mean like down-the-middle in half?
- [Holds up a sandwich and separates its halves]
- Trooper Champlin: At the waist.
- Tom: You mean this is the last time I can talk to the top half?
- Trooper Champlin: Yes. The truck is the only thing that is holding her together.
- Tom: Let's say this is her bottom half.
- [Holds up a doughnut]
- Tom: Can I squeeze in a few minutes with that?
- Trooper Champlin: I'm not sure what you mean.
- Tom: Let me explain.
- [Holds up a sausage]
- Tom: George, all you've done is chase adolescent fantasies. "I want to be an astronaut. A cowboy. Gynecologist to the stars."